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FSIL Problem
So I'm seething and need to rant. My FSIL is planning her and my brothers wedding- it is a destination wedding. Well she decided to plan a girls weekend there to do some wedding planning (un-necessary really, shes already been there to do this once and just wanted an excuse to plan a girls weekend). She wanted all the bridesmaids to go (at own expense), my sis and I are bridesmaids by brothers request.
Well I was unable to go for many reasons- A very long story short, H was in severe accident last summer (traumatic brain injury) and has a large brain tumor and my life currently revolves around his medical needs. Because of my job, his medical needs and our current financial situation, there was just no way I could go. She seemed annoyed I was not willing to drop everything for her trip but never said so flat out.
So they just got back and apparently she spent the trip complaining of me, making up untrue stories (juvenile I know) about how I'm stressing her out because I'm telling all thing things she "should" be doing- ie: I "told' her she has to have 2 wedding showers while she only wants one combined one. The thing is this isnt true- like not even slightly. She's often called me to complain of wedding planning issues (I'm the only one in the fam married) and I ALWAYS reply- It's your wedding and you should plan things however you want them. I've said that so many times I sound like a broken record. And the thing is I really mean that when I say it. I've been through a wedding so I know what its like to have everyone slamming you with their opinion so I'm careful not to do that.
I am completely stumped on why she would spend the trip bashing me with untrue stories and the more I think about it, the more I get madder and madder. I dont even know why I'm so bothered by this because its so juvenile. I am generally not sensitive/petty and could care less about what people say at all but I have a lot on my plate (also having major MIL problems) so this just kinda sent me over the edge. I'm to the point I want nothing to do with this wedding, I dont even care to go. And I was very excited about it before this ordeal. I don't intend to say anything, I just feel like being pissed off and b!tch!ng and needed to vent. Thanks for reading. And I will DD cause she is on the knot and may venture over here-
Re: FSIL Problem
Wow. I am so sorry!
Honestly, I want to provide some constructive advice here, but if I was you I really think I'd flip out in a rage of fury and drop out of her wedding and probably not even go. If this biitch can't recognize that your plate is full without adding her BS drama to it, she doesn't deserve you.
Again, so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better soon - and I hope some other poster can provide you something more helpful than I could.
Wow, I am so sorry. You are handling this incredibly well. I would have done what PP said and dropped out of the wedding. Good for you for keeping your cool and not doing anything irrational like I would have done. Kudos to you!
My only solution would be to have a frank conversation with your Brother. Explain calmly what you heard from reliable sources (I am going to assume that one would be your other sister) and how you are flummoxed (I love that word).
I mean, you THOUGHT you had a great relationship with her before this...you KNOW you never said those things...and you are just POSITIVE that your FSIL would understand that your DH's lifethreatening and extremely expensive medical conditions procluded you from most of the non-essential to marriage celebrations.
You just want to know if there is something else that was done or said, to percipitate this. Because if there is a valid missunderstanding somewhere, you want to correct it, but if there is NO valid reason for the vitriol, you are really hurt.
If you WORD it correctly (polite, straight to the point and not defensive, but hurt), your Brother will be neatly painted into a corner of having to defend his future wife.
In the end, he WILL support her. But you will have the moral win, will have put it out there for him to see, and then when you drop it but continue to be cool towards her, will not have to defend yourself either.
This. Groomsmaids are becoming more common nowadays and you have more to worry about other than her troubles. If you just state it as being the best for all parties involved I think your brother will get the clue without having to defend her. T&P for your DH, I am sorry you have to go through this.
Check us out
It never occurred to me to drop out but maybe that would be a good idea. I am very close to my brother which is where I'm torn. My H is also in the wedding as he and my brother are close but I could just claim we are both to stressed out to deal with wedding plans. The bridezilla is very unappreciative, this destination wedding is costing a lot and I am scraping together the money to afford to go, making payments to my mom (shes fronted the money for me) so that we can be part of their {what I thought would be} fun and happy day.
If I went to my brother with this he would no doubt ream her out for it as he's very defensive of us, but then she would guilt him into taking her side and then she would just try to keep him from spending time with us so I dont want to put him in that situation. I've seen this happen with my mom so I know her tactics. I will also admit I'm not great with confrontation and would rather take the easy way out and ignore her. I can avoid her for the most part. She works mostly hours where she cant do things with us so we spend most of our time with him without her... thankfully.
The source was indeed my sis- she approached me by saying~ I'd stop discussing wedding plans with {FSIL}, she's complaining to everyone about every piece of advice you give her saying your stressing her out and too pushy about all the things you expect her to do. I was like WTF are you talking about, my only advice has ever been do what you want its your wedding, over and over, and she started giving me examples. The really funny thing is my sis actually thinks bridezilla is in the wrong in all the things she was complaining about and defended me by saying my advice (assuming then I had actually said those things) was correct and she should follow it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I like this. Make it seem like you stepping out is doing her a favor. If your brother asks you what's up, I would tell him the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I agree with this, you should say it this way.
I'm with eastcoast on this.... it sounds like if you go to your brother and talk to him about it.... even though she is clearly being a bee bee.... she will most likely try and turn him against you and start driving a wedge between you.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Another vote for stepping down.
And, honestly, given all the crap that is going on here and your medical and financial issues, I wouldn't blame you one bit if you decided not to go to the wedding at all.
I had a DW and the reality is that when you pick this, not everyone that you loves will be able to make it. The B/G have to realize this upfront.
Can I request that you keep us posted on this one? I'm curious as to how this shakes out.
I think this is the best way to go.
If you approach it from a place of anger (not saying you would) it's easy for her to get angry in response. If you approach it from a sad place she really can't get pissy with you in response.
Regardless of how you decide to go about things, you do not need the stress of her or this wedding. Do not feel bad about stepping down.
Well, I have to wonder who's feeding you all the gossip that you were a frequent and negative topic of conversation.
And why they would tell you this?
Correct me if I am wrong, but you weren't on the trip, so how did all of the details get dished to you?
This was my first thought, too. But the more I thought about it, the less inclined I am to suggest a private conversation with your brother. When your brother goes back to his FI with this information, of course she will deny it. She will paint you even more as the bad guy and could even insist that since his family is obviously ganging up on her, they should spend every holiday and family event with HER side of the family. If you want to never see your brother again, put him in the middle of a situation where he has to side with his FI.
Instead, and this is kind of an extreme way to handle it, I would approach it when you have witnesses around so she can't twist things. Perhaps even at Easter, if you happen to be in a group with FSIL, your sister (assuming she is the one who heard the bashing), and any other female relatives on your side who happen to be there, such as your mom. When the talk turns to her wedding planning, which of course it will, you can mention that you were confused when it got back to you that she has been telling people that you said XYZ when in fact you told her ABC. Make sure you play dumb and sound as though you are just genuinely confused and must have misunderstood what she said to the other bridemaids because of COURSE she wouldn't have lied about it. Then watch her trip all over herself as she backpedals. If she's putting you in such a difficult spot then I see nothing wrong with making her defend her lies in fron of her future inlaws. Bonus points if your brother is around so he can see her get caught in her lies.
If you go this route, I would tell your sister in advance that this is what you are planning to do so she doesn't feel you threw her under the bus. When you mention to your FSIL your utter confusion about what you heard, of course you won't mention your sister's name at all. But it won't be hard for your FSIL to figure out who told you about the bashing. Chances are, she'll be pretty upset with your sister but that's ok. She'll realize that when she bashes her future inlaws, they won't just sit there and take it.
And from here on out, since you know what your FSIL is like, you and your sister should form a pact. When FSIL bashes one of you to the other, you should each speak up and say, "That's not true. I know Sister told you XYZ."