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My Husband Won't Have Sex With Me
My husband and I have been together for a long time. Obviously the passion starts to fade after sometime but getting my husband to have sex with me has been almost impossible. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around 
We have two little ones but the problems began before they were born, actually.
I have talked to him about it many times over the past few years (yes, it's been going on that long) and the gaps between when we "get it on" seem to be getting longer. His excuse at first was that he was afraid to get me pregnant (we had a pregnancy scare in the beginning). Now we use birth control and he has other excuses. I've tried damn near everything to spice it up for us and nothing works. He acts like being intimate is a chore...and I have to initiate EVERY TIME. My self-esteem is getting lower and lower because I feel like he isn't attracted to me and that's why he won't touch me. And, even worse, I'm tempted to cheat on him. I feel so bad even saying that, but I can't go without sex - I'm still young! I need to feel wanted! I don't want to leave my husband, but I don't think there is anything else I can do (honestly, we've tried toys, counseling, lingerie, massages, date nights, mini-vacations, everything).
Sorry for such a long vent, but I almost want someone to tell me this is normal and not to feel bad.
Re: My Husband Won't Have Sex With Me
I am sorry that this is your situation.
How is your husband relieving his sexual needs? Is he masturbating? Is he having an affair? Is he just not a sexual person?
If he is masturbating, you guys need to have a very serious talk about how BOTH of your sexual needs are to be met. If he is having an affair, you can decide if you want to stay or have an affair yourself (if everything else in your marriage is working). Or if his sex drive has truly just plummeted, it is time to go to the doctor to see if there is a physical cause.
WTF kind of advice is that?
Something's not right here.
He is either:
Having an affair
Decided the sex department is closed for good when it comes to you
Closeted gay and on his way out of the closet.
If everything has been tried, I'd consider this disconnect in sex as a dealbreaker and file --- they used to call this alienation of affection. Does he expect you to continue in a marriage and go without sex?
You could give him a deadline to start anteing up in the bedroom and tell him that by date X if he doesn't start giving it up, you file --- but I very much doubt an ultimatum is going to faze this guy. Do what you think is right for you; I would not blame you if you file for divorce.
It is honest advice. Some couples choose to stay married but have their sexual needs met elsewhere. If a couple wants to "stay together for the children" or doesn't want to get divorced due to money issues, having outside lovers is a reasonable option. Been done for centuries. Not my style, but if I am covering all the bases, it has to be mentioned.
You said that you've tried everything, is it that you're not intimate or that you're not having sex? If you're intimate, engaging in foreplay, and then when it comes to the actual act, he doesn't want to (or can't) I would have to agree with PP that he needs to go to the doctor.
If it's that he doesn't want to be intimate, touch you, etc, then clearly something else is going on, whether he's cheating, gay, asexual, whatever. Either way, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this & I hope you find out what is going on with your DH.
Ditto this.
He does know that I'm seriously considering leaving him, and everytime we talk about it he swears that he DOES want to have sex with me, blah, blah, blah...but then nothing. He might have pity-sex with me that one night, and then we're right back to me being the aggressor and asking for sex. I swear, it's gone almost several months with no sex before I get mad and bring it up, and then he acts surprised that I'm upset, like I should have made a move on him sooner. Um, it takes two!
I'm sure he's not gay, and I would bet money he isn't having an affair. He functions just fine when we have sex (sorry for TMI, but it doesn't even take that long for him to get "in the mood" when I initiate sex). And he's attentive and loving and affectionate with me in every other area. I'm completely confused. I really don't even think it's a medical thing. I just think he doesn't want to have sex with me. And sometimes I honestly think he must not even be attracted to me anymore. I should also add that when we do have sex, it's SOOOO boring. Mostly because he acts like he's just doing it to keep me from complaining.
I am tempted to cheat, but I think I would just leave him first. Except that every other area of our lives together is perfect! I just wish there was an easy answer.
At very best this guy has checked out of the marriag emotionally.
Is he Fing kidding? He wants to have sex but blah blah blah.... followed by more excuses and more lip service: whyyyy are you standing for sh!tty treatment from him?
If he's not having an affair and he's not gay and if he hasn't decided no more sex with you, something is very wrong with this picture. What is happening isn't healthy and is not normal. You decide where YOU want to go from here -- put yourself first. GL
Have you guys gone to counselling? Cause it's calling out to me in this situation.
It is actually more normal than you think. I have a very similiar problem, and we don't even have kids yet. I don't have any advice that works, or I wouldn't still be in this situation, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I don't know how old you are, I have three close friends that also have this same problem. We all just ordered the book "The Sex Starved Wife", you may want to check it out as well.
All that said I am sorry you are in this situation and I hope things get better soon. I also hope you are able to take comfort in the fact that you are not the only one.
I read all the posts and it may not be a bad idea to have him have a complete physical. Perhaps his hormones are off or he is suffering from some other medical problem. You cannot assume that he doesn't have a physical problem you need to get it checked out. Although since you've had counseling, I would hope the counselor suggested this, and if so, you had this done.
If it truely isn't physical then you need to let him know that no sex is a deal breaker for you.
I am sooo sorry and the only thing I can say is I am in a boat right next to yours. We dont go months at the time, but my H doesnt touch me or kiss me or anything that often and I always initiate. I have a much higher "need" than he does, but I know your frustration.
I am sorry that this has been going on so long and had such a hard impact on you and your self esteem. I am also in the same boat. I have only been married 7 months and we don't have any children. So, it isn't just you. A few things...
1. I have heard that at certain ages men experience drops in level of testosterone that makes their sex drives go away. It really might be worth a check up, if it is important enough to him he will talk to his doctor even if it might be a bit embarassing.
2. Remember that it isn't your problem alone. There are two people in the bed at night. I understand self esteem issues too, I miss my husband initiating too. I started working out and dressing nicer, doing make up, he doesn't notice anything. Not saying you need to do those things, but I really don't think this is a big factor for our husbands.
I hope that the problem improves and I hope that you can work it out. I understand though that we can't make people do what we want. 6 years and I still can't get my hubby to wash a dish...so I get it. Hugs from CA!
Also in the same boat as you, and like a couple others we don't have children yet. We were having problems with sex before we got married, and I told him I wouldn't go through with it unless we went to see a sex therapist. The one thing I really came out of it with is that some people just aren't wired that way. For the longest time I thought he just wasn't attracted to me or that he was embarrased of his lack of experience (I had plenty before we got married, thank goodness). So, it was good to know that some people just don't find sex as stimulating or have a need for it like you or I...and it wasn't anything I was doing wrong.
I know it's hard not to have resentment issues, I feel like he's 'robbing me of my sex life' from time to time, but I have to check myself. I'm just glad that I knew about this before we got married and went into it with eyes wide open. I made a consious decision that the marriage was worth it, even in spite of the lack of sex.
I would definitely second what the others said about buying The Sex Starved Wife.
My husband and I have run into the same problem. We don't have children yet, but since we have been married, I have been the main initiator of all things sexual. We just found out, a couple months ago, that he has low testosterone. We did it on advice from the book The Sex Starved Wife. I honestly thought it was going to be something emotional that was going on, but it's just that his hormones aren't right.
My advice - get him a physical, first and foremost. If it isn't something physical, then work through the book and try to figure it out from there.
To everyone who is saying that it is not 'normal' or he must be gay or having an affair, you need a reality check.
Some people (men and women) just have naturally low libidos. They simply do not desire nor miss sex when it is absent. There is nothing instrinsically wrong with it, it just is.
To the OP: counseling may help. But in the end, your sexual incompatibility may spell the end of your marriage. Only you and your DH can figure that out.
Dear LilMzThang,
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