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Abusive and toxic relationships
Out of curiosity, how many of you would say that you've been in either an abusive or toxic relationship?
My grade 8s are in health right now and keep coming back with these healthy relationship questionnaires. I got to reading one of them and realized that, while as a teen I totally considered myself a responsible, head-screwed-on-straight individual, I still had a couple of relationships that were definitely not positive for me. My grade 13/1st year university BF, for example, came very close to sexually assaulting me before stopping himself (we broke up three days later). It was terrifying and awful and I stopped trusting for a long time after that.
I'll make it a clicky poll so that it can remain anonymous. If you want, feel free to share your experiences.
[Poll]
Re: Abusive and toxic relationships
I think it's really interesting to see that the vast majority of us have been in unhealthy relationships at some point in our lives.
Do you think there's anything you could have done differently? If you could give advice to your younger self, what would it be?
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
My advice to myself would be don't date the guy with the over-inflated ego that still lives with his mom at 25 years old.
I would've definitely told my younger self that my parents were right and to stop trying to be so defiant. My mom used to always tell me that there would be plenty of other boys, and I never wanted to listen. Everything always seemed like the end of the world. It would've been nice to know what the future was going to hold. My DH is nothing like the boys I dated growing up. I think that's why it's always worked so amazing with him in comparison.
I do have to say that it wasn't always the boys making my relationships toxic or abusive. I was a big culprit in a lot of that. I always wanted to be so independent and never rely on the boys, making it difficult for anyone to want to be close to me. I also was very verbally abusive sometimes, making them act that way in return. I have to say that I've definitely come a long way since then, but DH and I still make it an effort to make sure that doesn't happen in our relationship. Sometimes we still have mean spurts, and we have to stop and breathe and get away from each other for a while.
I think for me, I didn't really realize the relationship was unhealthy until well after the fact. I think some part of me felt that the arguments and lacking sex life, etc, were normal, while the other part of me felt that it was my fault (in no small part to how ex made me feel). I thought if I could only fix these things about me, we would be happy forever.
So I just wish that I had gotten out sooner. We broke up numerous times over the 4 years we were together - and I even started dating some other people - but he was a smooth talker and always seemed to woo me back. I wish that I had been stronger and stayed away. And that's the advice I would give to my younger self, because with all the friends I had around me, none of them had the guts to tell me at the time that I was better without him. Quite frustrating, because after we broke up for good (and that was mostly because I moved away to business school), so many of them agreed that it was an unhealthy relationship.
Cecilia arrived 12 October 2012
My advice would be to look at the reality of the situation. My ex was an alcoholic and I stayed with him for 7 years. About 6 months into our relationship he was hammered, and raised his hand to me. He never hit me, and never did the entire time we dated. I wish I would have left then. Instead I stayed, and was mentally abused for years. I have to remeind myself that it was nothing that I did, he had the addiction and it does crazy things to the individual.
It is ok to be alone, you don't have to have a boyfriend or significant other to grow. After I finally called it quits, I rediscovered myself, and that is the best thing I could have done for me. Today, I speak up if I have an issue, and when DH and I started dating, he knew that I wouldn't put up with any of the crap I did with ex. Thankfully, DH is nothing like the ex.
My Blogs - Signed in Ink
Cloth Diaper World
I was a an abusive relationship in the middle of junior high till my sophmore year of high school. and as much as I would love to say I would advice myself to get out quicker. I can't say that i would.
Did he do horrible things to me yes. do i think in retrospect he did not love me like he said he did yes. but I wouldn't be the person i am today if I had not been with and then subsiquintly had to get away from him.
I mean I never would have experinced the joys of pregnancy with and saw how wonderful my little angel baby Destiny was. that is my only regret is that I did tell him I was pregnant and ended up having to get the crap kicked and beat out of me at 13 when i was at full term in my pregnancy.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
It didn't seem like a toxic relationship at the time. Now when I look back on it it definitely was. My last BF before DH was living with my family after his step mom kicked him out of the house. He lived with us rent free because of the situation. We had been friends for years and all of my friends always saw us dating during that point but it didn't happen.
We started dating right after he moved in. About 3 or 4 months into the relationship he lost his job, stopped going to school and started mooching off of whoever he could. He had his best friend over all the time, who also got fired from the same job at about the same time. They would spend money that they didn't have and I was stupid enough to give it to them.
We started talking about getting an apartment together if he could find a job. He sat on his ass and played computer games instead of looking for jobs. So basically at 18 I was solely funding his gaming addiction. Finally after 6 months of a relationship and 2-3 months of supporting him and dealing with his bullshit I told him it was over.
It was the best feeling to finally get out from underneath that. I hate to think about what it would have been like had we actually moved out and gotten our own apartment and stayed together.