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Annoyed w/myself.....(long)
I have had jealousy issues with my in-law family for quite some time. I never act on anything, I?m always polite etc. I know I?m not the favorite and I ?think? I?m okay with that. However, it seems I?m not and I'm tired of thinking about things and want advice on how to get this out of my system - it is so not worth it! (The logical side of me totally gets this - the emotional side doesn't want to let go).
My husband?s family does more things with the other DIL (we married brothers).
I just find it tiring when I get on FB and find that things are being planned w/sis-in-law and I?m not invited. My MIL even listed SIL as a ?daughter? on her FB page.
Am I close w/MIL? Not as close as the two of them are obviously but we do get along. It hurts my feelings to see it out there like that.
I?m just tired of it. I know, I tell myself ?get over it, you don?t have to like everyone, not everyone has to like you.? But I can?t seem to get past it. It annoys me how I let this affect me.
A concern I have is that my daughter will have no real relationship w/MIL, SIL and BIL. She is going to grow up as an only child and I want a good support system for her. I?m not very social anyway ? I don?t have many friends that I go hang out with. It would be nice for her and us to have a closer relationship w/H?s family.
I?m looking for real input. I understand there is jealousy and disappointment on my end. How do I just deal with it and make it go away?
And yes, I have asked MIL/SIL to go do things. Not just with me, but with all of us (husbands and child) and I continuously get turned down. The invites do not come our way unless it?s a big holiday ? Thanksgiving, Christmas, MIL?s birthday?.
Re: Annoyed w/myself.....(long)
1- you don't have enough other people in your life! I'm thinking that if you had more friends and other people to focus on, you wouldn't focus so much on them.
Then at the same time,
2- because you aren't very social, this probably has an impact on how they perceive you and how much they feel they have in common with you.
You seem to expect that marrying into this family means that automatically, you should be included. But "families" are just made up of the same kind of people we run into in our normal, regular lives - meaning that some people click and get along really well and become close, and other people do not. Being "family" isn't some magical elixir that makes us all get along and be really close to one another.
But I think that's what you wish were the case!
It sucks that their relationship is so in your face. I can totally understand being hurt. And a part of me thinks "why can't they invite you?", but then that even goes back to what I just wrote - if the two of them are just really close and click, they are allowed that and they are allowed to do things w/ just the two of them.
However, I would say that sometimes they could extend themselves and include you. And to always turn down your invitations? That's kind of crappy too.
It's one thing for them to be close and want to do stuff sometimes w/ just the two of them, but it's another for them to be a "clique" that isn't open at all to beign around other people.
There ultimately really isn't anything you can do here, though. To talk to them, and/or to have your DH ask them to include you - all you're doing is forcing them to do something they may not want to do.
My suggestion is to either remove them from FB or at least hide their posts so that you can't see their messages to one another.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To start, you could hide them from your FB feed, so at least you don't have a painful reminder of this.
Is MIL intentionally being hurtful to you or is it just that she has a better relationship with the other DIL?
Work on expanding your social circle outside of your ILs, as well.
i totally get how you're sad about this and how it could hurt your feelings but you're right-you really do just ahve to get over it. why do you equate your relationship with mil based on her relationship with someone else? you are not the same person as SIL and therefore the relationships will not be the same-ever.
what does your DH say about all this? and if it bothers you that much defriend or block their posts on FB. if they ignore you as much as you say they won't even notice.
While it's understandable to feel hurt or jealous, you are also right that it would be much better for you to accept and get over it. I do not mean anything I say to be harsh or snarky, but I feel like this needs to just be stated frankly.
Your husband chose to marry you, his family did not. Marrying into someone's family does not mean that everyone in that family now has to be your best friend. For whatever reason, your MIL just meshes better with your SIL, and that's completely fine. It sounds like she is still nice to you, and that's really all that is required of her. If seeing things on Facebook upsets you, then adjust your settings so you don't see their updates.
It's also not their responsibility to fill in for your lack of friends. If you want a better support system and people to hang out with, then join a club or ask people from work to hang out.
Just because you are not best friends with your ILs, that does not mean that your daughter won't have a relationship with them. They (your MIL especially) can absolutely have a closer relationship with your daughter than they do with you.
Finally, I would take the opportunity to take an honset look at yourself. It may very well be that your personalities just don't mesh. However, since you say you are not very social, is it possible that your MIL and SIL just don't find you very fun to be around? Are you difficult to talk to, or are you socially awkward? Also, when you invite them to do things, do you make sure that you ask them to do things you know they would enjoy doing?
Wow, I am sorry to hear this. I don't have any real advice for you, but I feel for ya. My future IL's don't like me at all and it makes me sad. They don't like my parents and for some reason they have decided to take it out on me, so now they have decided I don't like them. His mom thinks I am rude for not involving her more in the wedding planning, but when I tried, she is never interested in anything wedding related. Whenever she talks to FI, she never asks about the wedding. The one thhing she did agree to do, which is the RD, she tried to cancel it because she didn't want my parents to be there. I know that is all petty stuff but it really hurts. They also totally have the wrong idea about me. They think I am a controlling b*tch and that my family and I are trying to manipulate FI. Ok, my family can be crazy but if you knew me you would know I would NEVER try to change him or tell him what to do. I love him for who he is. I give him my opinion, but I never try to make him do something he doesn't want to do. Finally, you will probably think this is really stupid that I even care about this, but his little brother deleated me on FB. Not only that, he BLOCKED me, so I couldn't even see his page if I wanted to. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but that hurt my feelings. Apparently FMIL was using his account to spy on my page and she read some of my statuses when I was upset and just assumed they were about her.
Anyway, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make this into a pity party, I just wanted to let you know that I can see where you're coming from. My only advice is to maybe talk to them and ask them why they don't include you in anything. Maybe they don't know they are upsetting you? What does DH think about this?
Sorry I don't have better advice. Good luck- hope things get better!
Have you ever tried to actively become more involved with them? Invite them to things, say you saw something on FB about an event and wondered if you and LO could come? It kinda just sounds like they aren't doing this inspite or that they don't have anything in common, but you get what you give when it comes to relationship with normal healthy people. Maybe SIL invites MIL to these events, maybe she added MIL as a MIL on her FB but since you haven't reached out MIL thinks you don't want to, because you don't reach out.
BF is certain that his aunt doesn't like him because she invites his brothers out to events (Mostly sports and timeshares) but not BF. I asked that aunt about those events and she told me how much fun they are and they would invite BF but he never has liked any sport of any kind and can never get time off. She was actually a little sad about it, because she feels guilty when she sees him so stressed working his butt off and not getting any downtime. She actually invited me if I wanted to go alone or with them, but I really am not a fan of sports either.
My point is make a better effort. Go out there and get social. With your family and with others. Take some trips, try out new places and events you have wanted to find. You might find some people that you really enjoy spending time with. Bond with some other parents, they feel your pain, and if they have good kids, they can play together, making new strong relationship with them. Those kids can become like adopted family.
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Well I hate to be all rainy on your parade, but come on. You're not social; you admit that. I don't seek out unsocial people; it's hard to be around quiet people. And you say the invitations never come; how many times have you invited THEM to do something fun you planned?
If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend. I say this starts with the girl in the mirror; get off your pity pot and plan a fun outing and call the people you want to be closer to.
Thank you all for your input!
Funny enough - I have adjusted my FB settings but apparently I am sadistic and like to torture myself - I end up going to their pages anyway.
My H's perspective, he'd rather not deal with it. And I realize he married me and we are happy and as long as when we are with his family things are fine, that is good enough. So I try not to bring it up.
I do need to see about creating/extending my social network. I don't consider myself socially awkward - I can definitely chat it up with my co-workers.
You are all right as well - MIL and SIL get along better and that is their right. Would I like to be more involved? Yes, but that isn't how it is....
Thanks again, I feel a bit more normal.
and when you do this? Call them up and make them part of the planning. "HEY I was wanting to go Easter Dress Shopping and would love to have you along, when works for you? " or some such thing, instead of saying "I'm going shopping on Friday" and have them be busy.
And really, you have to know your attitude is visible. The not being social, the jealousy, the hurt feelings. Are there other past events that have conspired to make this like this? Did you puke on your MIL at your reception? Have you beaten up your SIL?
Sue_sue - when I say I'm not social, it doesn't mean I can't carry on a conversation. I don't just sit there and be quiet. I do interact. I just don't have 500 friends.
I have invited them to do things. In fact I just invited them a couple of weeks ago to go to the Tulip fields - My MIL completely ingored me until I e-mailed a 2nd time and SIL responded w/"I'll pass, I'm going w my BFF." I used to invite them (and BIL) all the time to things but how many times do I have to keep inviting when it isn't reciprocated?
And that is an excellent suggestion about inviting the people I want to be closer too - I just also thought it would be nice to include them - I keep trying but....
Edit - hahahaha - no, I did not puke on MIL at my reception - didn't even drink. I didn't beat up SIL either - she could easily take me out.
I think you've described a bit of what my MIL feels with me. We get a long well and have a nice relationship. She and FIL are snow birds, so they are in town for July and August. So we spend a lot of time with them in the summer.
She has often complained to DH that we aren't "closer". She'd love if I called and we chatted and planned things together, went shopping and had lunch. But the thing is - SHE is not like that with me. She's often unavailable and too busy in her own projects. She does not call me. I think she has an idea in her mind of this warm, close mother-daughter relationship and she's bothered that I haven't made it happen better. Like its my job to make it happen.
To my mind, we have a great relationship. And we do. And DH reminds her of this when she complains. So as far as I am conserned, I am not doing anything differently to meet this need of HERS to have someone in her life that is some great, close friend of hers.
If she wants a better, closer relationship with me, then she needs to make it happen. It's kind of like - If you want a friend, be a friend.
I suggest the same thing to you. Have you really reached out to them on their terms? What have they declined? And maybe you shouldn't be thinking of this as "Well, I'd really like to be closer with my MIL so she can meet my needs of friendship". And then you get jealous that she has it with someone else. Maybe you get that by thinking, "How can I be a better friend to MIL, so that she can trust me and have my support and friendship in her life."
I also have to ask - was your husband close with his mother or brother before you got married? If not, it's not surprising that they all wouldn't feel the need to be close to you now.
Since you have tried and been rejected multiple times, I would just accept that this is how it will be, and work on building more friendships.
Well, that's just rude. What would happen if you said, "Oh you are already going with BFF? Can I come, too?"
Anyway, I invited my SIL to stuff and she was always a "yeah, sure" but never ever followed-through. I found new friends.
Really, it was a blessing to just see her occassionally at family events. She's prone to drama and while I was hurt she didn't want to be my friend, I am glad I never got close enough to get caught-up in her antics.
There are plenty of people out there who will appreciate you just as you are. Take a class, join a book club, take up a group exercise program, join a local organization, volunteer at a community event - I promise you'll find friends who value the same things you do, and who will give you the courtesy you deserve.
Each time you start thinking about your relationship with your MIL and SIL, make yourself think of something else. Eventually you'll train yourself to stop thinking about it altogether.
Don't allow their actions to negatively influence the way you feel about yourself.
WOW this was a really awesome post to read (and all of the advice). I completely relate. I've been with FI for almost 7 years now, and by now I thought I'd be super close with his mom. We like each other very much. But I live in NYC and she lives in CT. Both FI and I have really hectic lives, and I know he'd like to visit more, but we just don't have all that much free time. When we see each other it's very pleasant. But I always envisioned talking to my future MIL on the phone. And having that mother-daughter relationship. We are friendly and cordial. Honestly, if it werent for the other future daughter in law, I'd be perfectly happy.
But other girlfriend's lifestyle is different, and she has a lot more time to spend with MIL. She's actually spent weeks straight at MIL's house because my future BIL still lived at home with his parents. So his girlfriend would just stay there for a long time it was like she lived there. I think the biggest blow to my ego was when suddenly she had a Christmas stocking at their house and I didn't. I've been dating FI longer than she's been dating BIL, so I found this pretty hurtful. BUT FI explained that she comes from a broken family and MIL feels bad for the girl cause she never had a real Christmas. And eventualy I got my own stocking there too. It just took longer.
A wake up call for me was when BIL and his girlfriend briefly broke up. MIL was DEVASTATED. Hysterically crying and everything. I had to wonder if she would be that upset if we broke up. Hrmmm. I called MIL to comfort her and she told me that this girl used to write her cute little notes and call her all the time and send her little gifts randomly. Ouch. It hurt to hear that, cause I don't have that kind of relationship with MIL to write little notes to each other. Maybe if I had done those things, we'd be closer. So in part, I do blame myself.
The lesson I learned is just to accept how it is. We obviously have a different vibe than MIL has with the other girlfriend. And that's ok. I'm just super thankful that she likes me, and knows I make her son super happy. Plus, I was there for him when he went through very serious medical issues a few years back, and have proven my loyalty.
You have time to build the relationship with these women. Don't stop putting in the effort, but also take it for what it is at the current time. It could definitely be worse!
And in the meantime spend time trying to make other friends too.
Thanks everyone for the input and making me feel normal.
I liked the advice about anytime I think of them - to switch the topic in my head and think of something else. And or course to develop a (more active) circle of friends.
I am thankful that at least I don't have a horrible relationship w/DH's family. I will take polite over angry and bitter.
I would stop focusing on your MIL and SIL, and find some other friends that you can click with. Invite THEM to the events that you have invited your MIL and SIL to. If you have someone else to go with and other friends, their relationship won't bother you as much. Stop wasting your time with MIL/SIL.
Don't worry about your dd. It's not your ILS job to be the best friends she never had. THEY did not choose to be a grandma or aunt. Get dd involved with activities when she starts school (soccer, scouting, ballet) and she'll make her own friends. If you can chat up co-workers, you can chat up the other mommies watching the soccer games!
I had a hard time meeting neighborhood friends (I had friends from school, work) until dd was in pre-K. However, kids can be a great magnet for moms! (Not that it should be her job to find you friends, but it does tend to happen naturally, even with shyier people). Now that ds is in kindergarten, I'm meeting a whole new crop of people.
No real advice, but I have been where you are and understand the emotional side of things. Other than to say that nothing good will come out of acting on your emotions in an emotional manner, sometimes just the accepting things are the way that they are and that they are not necessarily a reflection of you personally. Some people just jive/click better than others.
My DH is the eldest of three kids, and the 2nd one to be married. Our kids (mine by previous marriage, but toddlers when we were married and DH legally adopted them) were never treated the same as the other grandkids. Oh, they explained things away rather than actually changing anything - and other than that, I'd say that they were really great people...just lousy in-laws and even lousier grandparents. We just chose to allow our geographical distance (roughly an hour) remain distant.
Enter new SIL of my much younger BIL roughly seven years ago (by that time we were married 10 years). Every year we spend Christmas Eve with his folks, and every year I see that our wedding picture is this itty bitty thing, and all the other kids are splashed all over. Every year, I stress over what I'm going to give them, to find something meaningful, etc. Every year I get hot chocolate, because they don't really know me (twice I received cast-iron cookware that I loved so I can't complain). Well, new SIL brings in this huge gilded framed picture with a scripture written on it (describing the Proverbs 31 woman - in other words, what a wonderful woman is) and my MIL wept. She literally wept. (After that, I just baked cookies or knit scarves).
When new SILs babies came along, both ILs became uber involved in their lives (as they had my older SILs kids). And I was very jealous - and my kids who were nearly adults by that time, had zero interest in their grandparents because even though we tried to cover it up and didn't ill-talk, they knew what was going on. Last year my MIL became their full-time babysitter (they live near one another) to infant twins. I tried not to allow it to click on the emotional comparison in me, but it did. Like you, I don't give it voice, except to my husband because there's nothing to be done for it.
Yet a month ago, just a month after my SIL/BIL made a change in their lifestyles which did away with MIL needing to babysit...something changed. Again, we don't see DHs extended family often and as a result of this and the arm's length relationship, I am not close to any of them. (Again, they are all great people, I can see where I would like them if just this one thing were different.) Anyway, my DH was speaking with his brother via phone (twice a month is what they usually manage) and my BIL let it slip that his wife really did not care for MIL. I was astounded. As close and as involved as they appeared to be, as my MIL let on that they were, and as my SIL (I guess out of politeness and honoring her husband?) allowed it to be seen...but because they have been so close and so time involved my SIL doesn't want to spend any time with her and resents an awful lot of what is said/done/implied.
That made me feel badly for my MIL, because I think this goes again to my ILs cluelessness about how they make people feel...but, too, it made me feel a bit more realistic about the relationship I had perceived them having. That helped me with some of the emotional "jealousies" as you've put it.
Chava! I had the exact same experience; thought MIL was loved by all but me; that she disliked only me, etc. Then it came out that POOF she had worked to alienate everyone around her, and had done a great job of tearing apart family relationships all around.
It was kind of a relief to find this out; that it was nothing personal, that this is who she is and what she does.
and the framed picture thign? omg. I gave one to my MIL one year, a poem that my friend helped me write, that was so tongue in cheek over the top that I was sure she'd kill me for the sarcasm; but no, she CRIED and hung it up in her bedroom adn it's the first thing she sees when she wakes up. lol. My husband just gave me a huge side eye; and I told him well, it's how I WISH things were. lol