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SIL Drama
A couple of months ago, SIL & I had a argumentative battle through email. I don't know that I would've even 'classified' it as a 'fight' because...well, it was through email. Things were said (and I'm sure mistaken), feelings were hurt and overall I'm ashamed that I was a part of such a thing. Little background on the email - I had a horrific surgery and felt that SIL (DH's sister) was not their for us - moreso, DH. This is just the icing on the cake as to numerous, legitimate reasons that I do not particularly care for SIL. She picked a bad time & probably the worst time to push my buttons. BUT, as usual, she's very well rehearsed at playing victim and flipped things around to make me look like the bad guy.
I'm angry with myself for even responding to her trap, but as mentioned, she picked (my worst time) which was her most opportune time. I was barely out of the woods with my recovery and she had not one clue what DH and I had been through with that and decides to cause us stress by causing commotion over a ridiculous scenario.
Fast forward a bit - DH and I are invited to a wedding this Summer. SIL is in the wedding. The only people that DH and I will know there is his parents, BIL, SIL and the couple getting married. I am a peacemaker and not a fighter - I plan on being cordial to SIL, however, this is not a day to reconcile our differences - it's the Bride & Groom's day. If approached, I plan on saying something very vague like, "SIL, today is B & G's day, let's make it about them and put the problems to rest." This would not however, make things "OK" in my book with SIL. Basically, bottom line is that I do not want to be portrayed as resisting an apology/makeup/giving an apology or the 'bad guy' to DH's family. I know they are 'aware' of what happened, although I don't think they know the extent of it.
WWYD?
Re: SIL Drama
So you expected her to be something she wasn't/couldn't be during a time that was stressful to you and you're mad at her? What other legitimate reasons do you have for not liking her?
Honestly, I went through two foot surgeries last year that were both very painful and had a very long recovery. My family didn't visit, rarely called or hardly talked about them with me as I was going through them. It was very sad and disappointing to me, but I have never known them to be there for me through hard times. Is your case the same? Are you expecting her to be there for you when she never has before?
IMO it sounds like you're the one being overly dramatic here. Calling out your SIL because she didn't act the way you wanted her to act seems immature to me.
Thank you for your response, Doglove. It made me reevaluate the way that I phrased my post. Please, let me be clear - the main reason at hand that SIL and I had the "email fight" was NOT because of her nonexistence through my surgery/recovery. That was just one more reason to add to the batch of "SIL dislikes" for me.
The reason was over something completely ridiculous that I didn't want to go into because then the post would get extremely lengthy (and boring!), ha. But, to give you the snag - it was over SIL "being very hurt & angry with DH and I" over not accomodating our lives to hers. This has happened SEVERAL times over the years and normally I would've responded to her a little more strategically, however, under the circumstances, I was not "in my head" if that makes sense
I'm sorry to hear that your family was not there for you during your surgery/s! It is not an easy thing to go through alone, that's for sure. I guess I am blessed because my side of the family was there through my surgery (luckily), visiting and such.
Well, if she is in the wedding do you expect her to say much of anything to you? She will likely be busy the whole time at least until after dinner. If she comes to confront you about something when she has some free time, you could say that today your both here for the bride and groom and you can talk about it another time.
To be honest with you, Ness, I have no desire
SIL lives in another state, so 'casually bumping' into her wouldn't happen and to have a talk w/her, I would have to be the bigger person and pick up the phone...which I'm not going to do.
I just want advice how to go about taking the higher road at the wedding when I see her. Do I approach her? Wait and see if she approaches me? Ultimately, I don't want to be portrayed as the 'bad guy' to DH's family.
In that case, I would be impeccably polite. Don't go out of your way to speak to her, but don't ignore her either. If she tries to come at you, use the "let's talk about this later" approach. Then it should be obvious to DH's family that she is the one instigating the drama.
But really, I think with several months having passed and with her being a bridesmaid it is unlikely that she'll try to start anything.
Do your ILs really have to lend you support during a surgery? Isn't that what spouses are for?
I guess my family biases my opinion, but I've never done anything for my ILs during medical problems and vice-versa. Maybe if you gave a bit more detail I'd feel differently about your situation.
I don't think you need to use the entire phrase you listed above. A simple, "lovely wedding" and head nod is enough. Don't say you are putting problems to rest, as this sounds like you are forgiving and forgetting.
But I'm going to push you a bit on your expectations around her. Her lack of support is being added to your list of reasons to dislike her. Why? Why are you expecting something of her that you know isn't possible and then using it against her? I think the sooner you accept her for who she is (and you aren't doing that at this point), the less drama in your lives she can cause.
As long as you keep finding things to 'add to your list', the more power you continue to hand over to her. If you just stop expecting and stop caring, that's when you take the power from her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you for your response, Zest.
No, I expect nothing from my IL's or DH's side as a whole. I have learned over the years that he was brought up very different than I was. My family is not perfect by any means (no family is! ha) but we are there for eachother, especially at a time of need when you are vulnerable. DH exceeded my highest hopes of how he would be during my surgery/recovery time. I guess, I was just *hoping* that SIL would at least call him to see how *he* was holding up through it. I endured a 9-hour brain surgery and to me...well, I guess I just *thought* SIL had some humanity in her to at least send a card to her brother, call, anything...even for her if that makes any sense.
But anyways...that wasn't the point of the "email battle"...it's just another reason that I do not particularly care for her character or respect her. I could not imagine not being there for my brother had he gone through something that scary with his wife, but that's just me. I don't expect other's to 'drop their lives' but I don't think asking as much as a phone call, email, text, write on FB, etc. is too much of a hassle.
BUT, that's just typical SIL...princess can't be bothered with anything not pertaining directly to her life. That's where the "disagreement" happened. My brother, neice & SIL (brother's side) wanted to visit me when I was umm...'coherent', haha...and able to function, so we arranged for a weekend for them to come in (they're out of town). Next thing, out of the blue - SIL texts DH saying she will be in town (same weekend as my brother) and would like to stay at our house. DH was polite (and even tried to call her rather than text & she wouldn't answer her phone) and he said that we had company already coming in and she wouldn't be able to stay with us. SIL hates staying at IL's house so that's why she wanted to stay with us. SIL blew up at DH and that's when things went South. PLUS, since she had not 'checked in' with DH at all in the past few months, she had NO idea what kind of condition I was in we felt that was inconsiderate of her adding another house guest to our list.
Thank you, ECB!
Wow, that last piece of advice was powerful..thank you for that. ECB, I think you are spot on! I think that's my downfall, is that I care too much. DH is just so laid back and doesn't give into her and that's why I am so frustrated & angry with myself that I did. I need to just accept that this is who she is & I can't change her/make her see my POV.
I remember your story from when you posted about the schedule conflict.
Your SIL is angry b/c you set boundries and pushed back. If I remember, that is not something that she is used to. He just ignores her, but obviously if she is throwing a tantrum, she hasn't heard him say "no" to her too many times.
What is your relationship now? Has your H cut her off? Is she "not speaking to you?" Are you supposed to get along when mommy and daddy are around?
Just b/c she is your SIL doesn't mean you have to like her. Also, just b/c you speak to her at a wedding in order to avoid drama on the bride and groom's day doesn't mean you are friends (for example, if you are seated at the same table). During the cocktail hour she'll probably be busy getting photos, etc. Either hang with the ILS or make new friends then, so that you can avoid her later.
You say you don't know anyone else at the wedding. But many people at weddings are pretty friendly. You'll probably sit at another table b/c the bms may be together. If she approaches you, I'd tell her "I'm not interested in discussing X with you." Also, have an exit plan with dh so that you can duck out and leave if she stirs up drama (at least temporarily). She can't MAKE you speak with her. You can just walk away. If she follows you screaming, she is going to look like the freak. Find DH (or arrangethat he is never far away when she is around), and stand together, or walk away to another place (outdoors, parking lot, car) together.
I would also not share a car with the ILS, and would not book a hotel room with them either. Keep your distance so that you don't have to deal with her.
Thank you, Wahoo...I appreciate this!
Yes, I did write that post back when this was happening. I like that, that you remembered
You're absolutely right about her not being used to the word "no" and flipping out when things don't go her way. IL's have raised her to be a 'pretty-pretty princess' and she's used to the world revolving around her. DH does make the effort to take a stand (although IMO not a strong one) and I think she's just so conditioned to hearing what she wants that it's basically in one ear, out the other.
To answer your questions - No, H and myself have not 'officially' cut her out of our lives but she lives in another state and unless we call, text, email, FB her - we don't hear from her...SO, the fact that we haven't, we (of course) haven't heard from her. She did block me from FB (laughs at immaturity) and I am fine with that. Whatever she has to do to make her point.
I honestly don't know how things will go when I see her. She is a very fake person but at the same time, to her defense, she's very simple-minded and the relationships (if you want to call them that) that she keeps in her life aren't sincere and I can see her acting like things are dandy between us. I don't intend on being fake, although it isn't my nature to stir up trouble, so I will be cordial. It isn't that I want to 'play nice' around IL's, I just don't want them to give see a sneer from me and just reassure them that their daughter is an innocent, infallible angel, know what I mean?
But, thank you for your advice. That was very helpful. I will definitely have to discuss an exit-plan with DH prior to the reception as a 'just-in-case'. That would not be a bad idea in the least. Luckily, the wedding is local for us, so no hotel and we will end up driving separate from IL's.
Haven't read further than the above quoted postings - you know how your SIL is and you admit that despite it being her norm, that you did not react with your norm which would have been better off for all involved and would have avoided this whole email fight. So, it doesn't matter, really, if she was inconsiderate or inappropriate. That could have been dealt with then but, understandably, you had your own weak moment. At this point, you really need to apologize for what you did wrong and let it be that, and because you know things went south when you acted out, you need to do it before the wedding - to wait would be a juvenile procrastination tactic (I'm not saying that unkindly...avoidance will only make your side look more petty, and as you said, the day of the wedding is not your day or your SILs day to hash things out.) So you weren't strategic then, be strategic now and apologize for the tone and argument you threw her way without including all the tit-for-tat explanations. If she wants to itemize things from there, or restart the argument...well, that too is a juvenile tactic and all you have to do is let her have her say and respond with something along the lines of "Well, I can certainly understand why it appeared that way/why you felt that way. Now that we've both said our piece, I'd like us both to be mature and put this behind us."