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Mama Drama
As most of you know, we are closing on our house next Friday. Well my mom called me and was wondering if she could live with us. Her dad lives in Minneapolis and isn't doing so well and she wants to be there for him until he dies. She lives in ND, 8 hours away (just recently moved up there about 6 months ago). My grandpa hasn't been "doing well" for the last 4-5 years, diabetes, heart attacks, recently broke his hip, etc.
The problem is, she wants to move in in like 2 weeks. We won't even be moved into our new house yet since we have to paint and remodel some things. Right now we live in a 1 bedroom condo so she would be sleeping on the couch there while we are moving our stuff out. We really want to enjoy our new house just us as a newly married couple but I feel if I say no to my mom, she will always hold that above my head. My mom NEVER forgets anything and hold grudges for a really long time. DH and I have no idea what to do or what to say to her.
[Poll]
Re: Mama Drama
It sounds like you don't want to let her live with you... and I can't say that I blame you! As hard as it can be, I think you need to set boundaries. It sucks that she'd hold a grudge over it - but I know people that can be like that so I 'get it.'
If you decide to let her stay for a few evenings if she's in town and wants to avoid getting a hotel room, I'd set clear boundaries. Tell her that you love her, but that you need to have your own space with your husband in your new house and it would be hard to have your own space if you had a roommate of any kind, especially if the roommate is your mom.
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
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I would offer her a place to stay in town for short-term visits, but not let her move in permanently. Maybe like one week out of each month or something?? Even that would be be tough if it went out too long... but the point is that maybe some kind of regular schedule of visits would help her feel like she's there for her dad.
But really, if she wants to move here indefinitely to take care of your grandpa, she should find an apartment to rent. Maybe you could offer to help her find a place to rent here?
Her dad is in a nursing home so she can't live there.
Ick. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Like others said, maybe she could stay with you Tues-Thurs or something each week. If she drives from ND to MN each Teusday she would be able to see her Dad Tuesday-Friday (drive home Friday, stop by and see him before she leaves for ND).
Or she stays with you Tues & Weds, she'd see her Dad Tues-Thurs and your committment to her would be less.
You and your DH would have your weekends to yourself in your new house, but you're still helping your Mom.
I'd be upfront with her and tell her that you need to compromise on this and that living in your first home with your Husband is a special time. I would tell her that she can't stay with you for a month or two. That gives you time to remodel, decorate, paint and enjoy your home a little before she comes to live with you.
Do you have a really good relationship with your Mom or kind of so-so? I'm getting the so-so vibe.
What are your DH's immediate thoughts?
If you were honest with your mom, do you think she'd get it? If she moves in, it should really be on YOUR terms and there should be a sunset on it. Maybe try something like:
"Mom, we love you and we understand that you want to be here for grandpa. But we do not know for sure how long grandpa is going to be with us. While we hope it will be for a while, that could mean that you would be living with us for a while. If you needed to stay for a few weeks, you would be welcome but as a newlywed couple who is excited to venture out into owning our first home and actually have some space, we would not want this to be a long term thing. If you were to move-in for a few weeks, you could move in on (insert date) but not earlier because we need to get settled into our new home ourselves. I have heard that it can be difficult to live with relatives and I value our relationship too much to want to sign up for any potential strain on it. That said, have you considered other options?"
PPs gave some good creative solutions. I'd grab onto one of those solutions where you compromise a bit - one week per month or something. Otherwise, can she get a small, cheap studio apartment around here for a while? Ugh, I feel for you. You got a bigger house for a reason, and it wasn't so that your mom could move in.
We had my BIL live with us for 3 months and it was tough. We were so used to having our own space. There's too much stupid drama that comes with living with family. People just value different things. Unless the family member is reallly, really in need, I wouldn't do it again.
Why did she move to ND so recently?
Why can't she move back here and live on her own?
These answers may impact my opinion.
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She moved up to ND because her husband got a really good job up there.
She can't really move down here without her husband and pay two rents each month.
FWIW, that is MORE than a great starter home. it's a beautiful house. don't let miss debbie downer ruin that for you. you're going to make great memories there!
I put other because I would not like the idea at all and would advise you against it. But my mom is pushy and good at the guilt trips and if I couldn?t get her to listen to reason, I am not sure I could actually say no ? even though I know it would be a terrible idea. Hope you are stronger!
I can understand why she would want to be close to her dad, but I can't imagine wanting to live apart from DH.
I agree with PPs idea of offering her a place to stay for 3-4 days per week, but making it clear that it is not permanent. Perhaps once she's doing the drive twice a week, she'll realize that it's not worth it and may cut the time down even more.
I love my mom dearly, but I'm not sure I could ever live with her again.
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Are you my twin? Do we have the same mother? haha
I'm actually really surprised at the percentage of people who said "absolutely not". The way I see it is, its not permanent so suck it up. It is not easy to lose a parent and anything I could do to make my mother more comfortable while she goes through that process I would do. Definitely far from ideal but its what family does for one another. I have clue what your relationship is like with your mom but for me, my parents have done a lot and made a lot of sacrifices for me and my sister and if this how I return the favor than it is what it is.
Does she have a definite plan? Is she going to just live with you until her dad passes, or is she just coming for certain days out of the week?
Is she coming to settle financial/legal affairs for her dad?
What about her own financial responsibilities? Does she have a job to worry about? Will she be helping you with any costs associated with her living with you?
It sounds like either you will resent her or she will resent you. Which outcome can you live with?
I don't envy your situation. I hope your family can find some peace with whatever happens.
How critical is your grandfather? Would it be a short stay for your mom?
My choice may be opposite of most here, but I would allow her to stay with me. I just lost my grandpa at the beginning of the month and those last weeks we spent with him were heart wrenching, but I would be so upset if I wasn't there with him. I would want to enjoy my new home, but to me family comes first. My house will be there to enjoy for a long time to come, but the time spent with a family member will not.
It sounds like your mom may be difficult to deal with, so I would set up house rules before allowing her to stay.
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If it were MY mom or MIL, I would let them stay with me. But we have really good relationships with our moms--they don't bring any negative energy to our lives, and we would trust them to be good, helpful, thoughtful "guests" while they stayed with us, and to not overstay their welcome.
It sounds like that's not really the case here--sounds like the mom brings a lot of drama to their lives, and the husband doesn't really get along with mom and is not really on-board with mom moving in... So to me, this sounds like a situation that could lead to a lot of stress, resentment and ill-feelings... possibly irreparably damaged relationships. So that was my rationale for voting "other solution" and suggesting the compromise.
I agree with alllllllll of this.
It's hard to say how critical my grandpa is. He is on dialysis twice a week and has been for the last two years. He lost one of his legs 3 years ago from diabetes and recently fell and broke his hip and had hip surgery. I know that he feels lonely but when my mom was only 2 hours away from him (the last 5 years) she only went to see him once every other month and for only a day at a time. He was living in an apartment then so she could have stayed with him longer.
I know this sounds bad but part of me has a feeling that she wants to move in with us because she doesn't like it in ND. Her husband works 80+ hours a week and she isn't close to her friends and family anymore (my baby sister went off to college this last fall so she is an empty nester now). I feel like she waited for us to buy a house and is using my grandpa as an excuse to be back in the cities. I have told her several times to talk with her husband about moving down here but "he makes too much money up there for them to move down here."
Exactly this. I love my family - family comes first for me. But I know there are some people (my late step-grandma is a great example) that would use and abuse people, and there had to be a point where people said no. My step-grandma was one of the people that I had to put my foot down with, because it didn't matter what you did for her, it was never enough and as soon as you backed off, she was go off into a crazy raging fit. So while I would let (most) of our family stay with us and work through whatever minor troubles that might come up, I wouldn't do that with everyone because my family (divorced, remarried, occasionally "special") can be completely crazy hard to deal with.
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
I was kind of getting this vibe. We've been adjusting to life in a similar situation, and for a while we were running back to the cities every chance we had.
Can you talk to your mom about this?
After your most recent post, if it was me, I would offer to help her find some housing options, and explain that you and your husband's marriage is relatively new, living in the house together will be new, and that you feel you need some time alone as a couple to bond and to enjoy this time.
My thought is that she is an adult and should take the responsibility for paying for a place to live so that you can get your marriage off on the right foot. I think that's really important.
There are some options for her other than renting an apartment...lots of people rent space in their home for a fraction of the cost of having your own place, or she could possibly find somebody looking for a roommate. I don't know what part of town she would be looking for, but a friend of mine often rents half her house in Burnsville, for probably a reasonable cost. Let me know if that's something she'd be interested in.
Last, if for some reason you do let her live with you, if it was me I would put a limit on it. You can stay here for up to 3 weeks to find a place, but after that you need to find your own place.