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update: I found what to say...long...
DH and I had it out this morning. It wasn't pretty, but it was a long time coming. I got on my facebook page and saw a message from my brother asking ME to decide for him if he should go to our Aunt's house for Easter, or if he should come out here, because MIL invited him to dinner.
Ugh...what? Trying not to be a control freak here, but was someone going to tell me she invited him? Mind you, she's a grown woman who can invite whoever she wants to a dinner she's hosting, but why would my DH let me be blindsided like that? So, I asked him if he knew about it. He tried to avoid the question and when I pressed him for an answer, he said he knew, but he didn't tell me because he didn't think my brother would show up.
Oh...there were words. This is the same common argument that we have over and over. When DH has decided how he feels about something, he stops caring about what other people feel because he's convinced himself he's right [hellooooooooo Jack situation]. Then, my DH is such a mama's boy; he'd rather stick his head in the sand and then deal with the aftermath instead of being proactive.
I don't mean to sound like a heartess beotch, but how about my husband caring about if I'm okay instead of worrying about if my brother's okay when I am telling him that I am not okay? It hurts every damn day and all my brother does is shove it right back into my face when I just want to get away from it. I can't get away from it, even in my own house. Little things like organizing pictures of my sons make me feel so sad because the thought popped into my head that my mother would have loved this picture. I am barely keeping my head above water on my own and now I am have a codependent (mom and bro were the picture of codepency) narcissist dragging me under? No, I resent it and I am pissed off about it.
Thank you ladies for making me see that DH just can not be the DH that I need right now. He's not going to understand and not going to be what I need. I am going to find a new therapist today and start working on the trainwreck.
Re: update: I found what to say...long...
I am glad to see you standing up for yourself in your marriage.
Did you answer your brother?
Are you going to Easter at your MIL's?
I am going to write him back and tell him to make his own decision. I can't stop him from coming if MIL is hosting and has invited him. I am going to proceed with what my plans were for the day--enjoying the holiday with my sons.
I can not be responsible for my brother; I am not his mommy nor do I wish to be. He is going to have to grow up and take care of himself before he drops from a heart attack at 35.
It sounds like you are starting to make progress on seeing the situation for what it is.
Sorry this is all so tough, I hope the new therapist helps.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Round and round we go. Not to be harsh here, but you've been posting for years about how your husband is a mama's boy and you get in the same arguments. You want him to care about you and your feelings, but his actions continue to show otherwise.
You keep expecting him to change, but really - what evidence here is showing you that he's able to do that?
Uhm, don't know your entire story but looked through a few of your posts... not sure how your bro is doing anything that is so unforgivably terrible? Seems like he's in a terrible place right now and needs some support and you don't want to deal with him because the loss of your mother is so recent you can't stand to even talk about it...
I gotta admit, I kinda side with your DH & MIL on this one, I feel sorry for your brother. Plus, depression is a mental illness and hard to work through and I can't imagine him being able to push through that with no one in his life showing him that they even give a rat's *ss about him.
Its just a dinner, maybe it'll last a couple hours, I don't see the big deal. I don't think that's a lot to ask of you, a very small gesture indeed and could mean a lot to someone suffering from depression.
Seems to me like your dealing with the loss of your mother through avoiding any conversation at all about her and that's why you hate your brother, because he talks about it? I hope one day you can talk about her with a sense of peace, I am so sorry you lost her. I just think you and your brother have different ways of dealing with it and that's perfectly fine, I don't expect everyone to mourn the exact same way.
Have you ever explained to your brother that part of why it is SO hard to deal with him is because he keeps talking about your mother? Maybe if he knew how much it was unbearably painful for you at this time, he would stop and find other people to confide in and not drag you through your own pain all the time.
Just trying to be helpful, sorry if I didn't help at all. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.