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I don't want to tell our parents about having IVF, DH is pissed
We're planning to do IVF next year because I have tubal infertility. 
I don't want to tell anyone that we're doing IVF until AFTER we're 12 weeks pregnant and feel comfortable announcing it. So it's not that I don't want people to know that we're doing fertility treatments, it's just that I want the option to not tell anyone I'm pregnant until I'm 12 weeks like "normal" couples have. If we have a loss or a bunch of disappointments with failed IVF cycles, I want DH and I to have privacy to mourn those things and choose to tell people (or choose not to) when we are ready.
I've always been like this... I like to keep my disappointments to myself first, and possibly tell people about them later. I've never been one to talk about job interviews or first dates/new romantic relationships until after I know the outcome. Obviously, now that I have DH, I always tell him about job interviews, medical tests, etc., but he's the only one. I also have a couple close friends that I talk to about it sometimes, but I never tell my parents. Telling my friends is different from telling parents, because I don't feel the expectations, pressure, and disappointment from them.
I really love my mom and spend time with her a couple times a month, but we're not super close to where we share everything. The backstory with my mom is that I had a serious chronic illness when I was in high school. I was never going to die, thank God, but it was bad enough to necessitate 200-some days in the hospital over six years and nine surgeries. My mom often crumbled in the face of bad news, she'd break down crying and me, the sick teenager, would be the one comforting her and telling her everything was going to be OK. I'd put on a brave face in front of her and go cry on my own later, it was just easier that way.
My illness made her nuts when it comes to anything medical- she hates DRs, and is always diagnosing herself with problems and then treating them with some sort of As-Seen-On-TV nutraceutical. Ever wonder who gets sucked into buying coral calcium and shark cartilage? Yeah, that's my mom.
For all of the above reasons, I didn't tell my parents when I was diagnosed with a platelet disorder two years ago that is likely either related to my original disease or caused by my treatments. It hasn't gotten bad enough to need treatment, and it may never get that bad, so I don't see the point in telling my mom and upsetting her.
My DH has always thought this is terrible and that it equates to "keeping things from my family that they should know" and that I am secretive and weird about it. He grew up in a family that never told him anything- for example, when he was 12, his parents found out his dad had testicular cancer, and they knew for weeks until telling him the night before his dad's surgery. They have consistently kept him in the dark about everything related to money, his little sister's depression/mental illness, issues his grandparents are having etc. Instead of making DH understand that it's OK for married couples to choose not to share some info, their going overboard with not sharing things with him makes him I am just as horrible as them.
My ILs are not warm and fuzzy people, and my MIL is super high-strung, needy, and has never worked outside the home nor ever had hobbies, so she's really nosy and tries to butt into things.
For ALL of these reasons, I don't want to tell ANYONE until we have a 12-week old fetus in the oven, and he thinks that not telling our parents is unconscionable and gets really mad that I am so "secretive".
So if you made it through all that, do you think I'm justified in my position, or am I really being a horrible person?
Re: I don't want to tell our parents about having IVF, DH is pissed
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Ditto...
Your H needs to understand this is just not something you are comfortable sharing. It will make your IVF ever harder and more stressful if you have parents on both sides asking you and stressing you out about it. You have enough to deal with now as is, does he really want his mom telling everyone and wanting to know everything that is going on with you two and starting a family.
And besides it makes it even harder to conceive when you are stressed out and being nagged all the time. You all need to sit down and really listen to each other and he needs to understand how you feel. Maybe you could reach a deal that if after X amount of time (if he feels the need) he can tell someone.
Or if he really needs to tell someone and talk about it does he have a close friend he can talk to?
You are 100% right here. You have a right to privacy where sex and medical issues are concerned (and that's not an all inclusive list, but on that long list these two issues are at the top!).
Do not start treatment until the two of you have this figured out.
Good luck to you.
Ditto the PPs.
You have the right to privacy, esp regarding your own body.
However, it sounds like your H is a bit of a dolt and just doesn't understand privacy and has a warped sense of "family obligations". Fuuk no I wouldn't be in a hurry to share this info with your parents or inlaws, and I'd be super pissed if he couldn't respect that.
Everyone views the world through their own eyes and YH is no exception. I would tell him something like, "I love you and I will always tell you what is going on with me. It's easier for me to not tell my parents all of my medical details. I know you don't understand/agree, but I really need you to support me in this."
Have you pointed out to him that the first 12 weeks are really difficult in the first place, and many many pregnancies miscarry during this time? Something like 2/5 I heard from one professor, and that additional stress and involvement from extended family members can put more stress and pressure on you, endangering your child? Maybe he'll listen to that reasoning.
Meh, your ILs are not entitled to information on IVF any more than they are entitled to information about a wild piece of tail ripped off on the dining room table. Some things are just private.
If he can't wrap his mind around this, he's not an ideal candidate for shared parenthood. You don't want your kid spending alternate weekends with these people when you come to your senses.
you do have a right to this privacy...
but you also may want to keep in mind that by 'making' him keep secret, you are depriving him of the support system he has for the stresses (good and bad stresses--wished-for-pregnancy is still stressful) in his life.
I regret telling our families about our troubles TTC. We got a lot of hurtful comments and opinions that were not wanted. If I could go back, I wouldn't have told them.
DH's best friend has been a big support for him. I try to be here for DH, but he has a hard time opening up to me about our struggles with IF. I am glad he's been able to talk to someone other than me about it. I think it would be really hard for him to not be able to talk to anyone else about it, so that's something to think about.
This is your medical condition; and you don't have to talk about or discuss what treatment you are undergoing, in what is a very sensitive and personal area. Is he going to insist on naming who gets to be there when you're in labor/giving birth?
It's not about him; it's about you; and it's your privacy issue, not his. I'd put my foot down.
I am sure, too, that this has been an issue for other couples facing this; perhaps you could ask your dr for advice on how best to handle telling or not telling relatives.
I would hold firm on not telling the parents and would not consider IVF until your husband can understand where you are coming from.
Does he have any close friends that you would be comfortable letting him share the news? If he values getting support from others during a difficult time then he might be able to lean on a friend or two who could be truly supportive.
Your parents and IL won't be supportive, they will just be extra stress during a trying time. You know this and your DH needs to recognize it as well.
Know that I went through 5 years of IF and 5 IVF's. I agree w/ many of the others.
First, figure this out before you start IVF. auntie said what I was thinking - it might turn out that he isn't really the right person to be having kids w/ in the first place. I think he does have a warped sense of "family obligation" and if he thinks they have a right to know this, it won't stop there. It will probably only get worse once you have kids.
Second, however, if he does need to talk to someone, I think you need to find a way to respect that. It doesnt need to be his parents, but if a part of this is that he needs someone to talk to aside from you, work with him on that.
While IVF is physically all about you, emotionally and mentally it is about both of you. If you want him to be a partner to you through this, you need to acknowledge the weight this places on him too.
But again - figure this out and figure out if this is really the right person to be having children with. His warped sense of family is going to play out in many different ways than just this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To my mind, he has some significant unresolved feelings from his childhood about healthy boundaries in family relationships. That's a fair statement, right? Very significant and very unresolved. There is a difference between privacy and secrets. Suddenly finding-out that your father has cancer is traumatic. As a child, you need support to cope with your feelings and to feel safe during a very difficult time. If they only told him the night before the surgery, then they probably didn't provide any of that support. He got hit with the news and then ignored because his father needed the attention that the surgery brought and they were probably ill-equipted to offer emotional support. This wasn't a sudden illness or car accident, they had weeks to prepare him and they didn't. Because it was easier FOR THEM. He's allowed to resent them for that. He's allowed to feel like they cheated him out of some time to adjust to the news, ask questions and get re-assured. Because that's what PARENTS do for CHILDREN. That's their job.
And it's what you two are going to do for your children. You already sound like a rock and a support to others. You will both be that for your children and help them form good boundaries and relationships during scary times.
It is not something, as children, you owe to your parents. DH doesn't owe it to his parents to help them through YOUR medical issues. That's not what children do for parents. You may be strong, capable adults, but you are not responsible to make your parents feel safe and secure during your illness. If they could be a support to you, then it would be wonderful to share and get that support. But you've made a pretty clear case that sharing the news would add to your burden, not reduce it.
I don't think this arguement between the two of you is going to be resoved until you both come to terms with the fact that you were both treated terribly as children around medical crisis. You both suffered in silence and alone around medical issues. And you both wanted the same thing - loving, open, supportive parents, and neither got it. Your husband can admit that his parents were very wrong, without proceeding to tell them every apsect of yours (and his) medical conditions.
Frankly, he hasn't learned how to estabilish good boundaries (maybe you haven't either). He was taught secrets and lies by omision and now he's on the verge of oversharing with highly unstable people. He may even be "hoping" to get support from parents that is (unfortunately) unrealistic. And never going to happen. And that may make him feel very sad to admit. It might be a life-long wish that will always go unmet.
This is not going to be resolved by simply saying "I'm right" or "He's right". It's complicated. Not wanting to tell people who will add to your stress is legitimate. Not wanting to hold "a secret" from family members is legitimate, too.
I think you both need a frank and open discussion about how hurtful and wrong your childhood experiences were. And give yourselves permission to be really angry about it. And you should talk about how you want to express future medical situations with each other, and your would-be children. Agree on THAT. Then you need to be honest about your expectations around telling and not telling your parents about your current medical treament. If you get all the way to there - the best decision will reveal itself. And you'll e on the SAME page, as you grow your family.
In both of my pregnancies, we did not tell our families/friends until the 2nd trimester, or very close to the 2nd trimester.
Here are the facts. Miscarriage is common and it's a very real concern during the first 12 weeks. If you're the type of person who would want family support and attention during that time, then telling people is fine. However, if you're like me, and the attention and sympathy and pity would make everything 10 times worse, then you shouldn't be telling anyone. It's actually very very common for people to not share the news until they hear the heartbeat on doppler (or the 12 week point).
Phrase it to your husband like this: It's not hiding or concealing information. It's waiting to share the wonderful news until everything looks good. That way, you can be truly happy when you share the news instead of worrying about sharing it, and then making a dozen phone calls after a miscarriage to say, "never mind."
My relative situation is a lot like yours, actually. My mom has a tendency to over-worry and over-panic about small things. MIL, on the other hand, just wants to ask questions and be sort of intrusive in her quest for information. I definitely get your reluctance to give them the info before you're ready.
I don't know. For me, it would depend greatly on the specifics of the situation. If it wasn't a big deal and the surgery was the end of it, I don't think it's unreasonable that they tried not to make a big deal out of it. If his dad required a longer, more difficult course of treatment after the surgery, then maybe he needed to be informed.
Regardless, I don't think keeping this information to yourself is akin to keeping a secret that they have a right to know. What livinitup wrote was very well said.
Eh, I'm in a familiy that tries to 'protect' people from information.
Know what happens when one is forever 'protected' from that? they turn paranoid because someone isn't telling them when a loved one might die, etc.
I remember distinctly being 12 and finding out from my playmate that my mother had terminal cancer. She had overheard her mother talking with my dad; he hadn't wanted to tell us kids; it was just too hard for him. There's a lot to be said for some set of facts made known to the children.
That said, I don't see this situation as analogous at all. It's nutty to invite your unsupportive, stress inducing inlaws and parents onto the infertility merry go round. They don't have to go to the appointments, and this impacts them in no way at all; all they have to know is when she's pregnant.
I wouldn't invite anyone but my dh to comment or have other input into how or when or by what methods we conceived our children (or kept from conceiving children) in any fashion.
I think there's a fine line. I don't think a child should be left in the dark, because finding out from someone else, or finding out and knowing everyone else knew for a while, is going to be worse than if the news is broken up front by the parents. It seems almost cowardly instead of protective. Plus, kids are a lot more intuitive than adults give them credit for, so I bet most kids know something is up before being told.
I do think shielding a child from the worst of it, maybe not telling them all the details may be OK though.
thank you all for all the thoughtful and heartfelt replies, especially livingitup.
This is definitely something I feel really strongly about... my BFF had a miscarriage at 12 weeks last summer, after having told everyone and announcing it on Facebook very early on. It was incredibly painful for her, and she was still getting FB messages for months asking how her pregnancy was going. It was so hard for her to deal with having to tell everyone that she and her DH quit going to their church so she wouldn't have to endure all those casual acquaintances still congratulating her.
What she went through would kill me, I am such a private person when it comes to grief. And my mother knowing would definitely make it 100x worse because she has this insane guilt complex over my childhood illness (which caused my blocked tubes) that she has never gotten over. I can't stand the thought of her projecting that on me again.
I agree that we both have some issues here. I spent years being angry at my mom for her inability to keep it together and be supportive in the face of hard stuff, and I have forgiven her, I just don't want to go through it again. DH definitely has a LOT of issues stemming from his parents' particular brand of craziness and that is something we definitely need to talk about in light of this becoming such an issue to him.I don't intend to treat our children the way his parents did in regards to this issue.... I really feel that being open in an age-appropriate way is the best way to go. It is totally true that people who grow up in families that keep secrets just become really paranoid about what's being kept from them. But yeah, this is definitely something that we need to talk about more.
I also feel really strongly, like someone said, about not wanting to hear opinions from parents on trouble TTC. To add to the issues here, DH and his sister were adopted because his parents had fertility issues. I have no idea how his parents feel about adoption vs. IVF/fertility treatment, nor do I want to know. AND, we're practicing Catholics, and the Catholic faith is officially against IVF. I actually have a really close friend who's in the middle of writing her dissertation on the evils of IVF. None of our parents would care about the Catholic position on IVF, but some of DH's relatives and our friends will probably think we're going to hell for it.
Oh, and I'm really OK with DH picking a couple friends and telling them about it so he has someone to confide in. I wouldn't expect him to not have any outside support
I agree that it's your call to tell your parents or not, but maybe he's looking for support from outsid eyour marriage for himself? It's probably a pretty heavy load to bare if you ARE one to share your feelings if someone else is saing you absolutely cannot.
I understand it's your body, and I think you have every right to choose what to do with it, physically, but it is about him, too. He is part of this equasion and I think it's unfair for you to call all the shots.
Personally, I think that you & your DH should figure out eachother's expectations here.
This is going to be blunt, sorry, but:
Your body = your business. You don't tell your family "Oh, yeah, we just had sex last night. Yeah... because we're trying to have a baby." ... it's personal. It's between you & your DH, right? Why does that privacy go out the window now that a Dr. is getting involved? It's going to be invasive enough with your Dr. .. I doubt that it would be good times to be sharing all of the information (because they will ask questions... they always do...) & having to explain them to everyone over & over again.
I understand your wanting to keep this closely guarded, but I also see his perspective of "I'm not going to do like my parents & keep things from people I love & who love me." There needs to be a balance here. Perhaps your DH also needs to understand that his parents keeping something like his father's illness from him as a 12 year old child isn't the same as him, as an adult, husband.. a man, trying to concieve with his wife. There are two people involved in this. By sharing his information about IVF, he is also putting you out there with it. I think that the two of you need to sit down & figure out a realistic compromise. Establish boundaries. Maybe see how the first treatment goes & based off that, you can make a judgement call. At least then, you'll have something more to go off of if you do decide to share. Something along this line is privileged information... not obligated.
Hope it helps! Best of Luck!