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Holidays Stress Me Out Now
Time for another holiday and time for more stress for me! Since we've been married, every holiday has been huge stress and resulted in some sort of argument and/or guilt trip. I used to love holidays and now I just dread them. I feel like we are just trying to please everyone else instead of deciding what WE want to do.
My H gets a lot of guilt from his family on how things "should be" and what is "expected of us." It's difficult because his parents are divorced so we have 2 different families right off the bat. In addition to that, his dad thinks we should celebrate EACH holiday with him and his 3rd wife's family and then also with his extended family on another day. Then there is my family. My parents & brother live locally but all my extended family lives 5 hours away. We have not celebrated holidays with my extended family for probably 2 years now. He thinks that just because his family is local it's easier (which it is) but it still hurts not to see my family.
How do I get my H to understand that we are our OWN family now and that we don't owe anything to anyone just because that's how it's been done before? Shouldn't we decide where we want to spend holidays without a guilt trip? Sorry this is so long, I had to vent. This whole balancing act is tough stuff!
Re: Holidays Stress Me Out Now
Well, you do at least realize where the problem lies. With your DH.
I think he's being incredibly unfair to not see your family simply because his is local and "easier". That is a crap reason and really- this all makes your DH sound like a huge "momma's boy" who can't say no to his family. I think he's more afraid of upsetting them than upsetting you. That's a problem.
His family can't guilt him w/o him letting them do so.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, the two of you should do what works for you. It's hard to get entire families together and your husband and his family need to understand that sometimes things don't work out. My husband and I will see both of our immediate families for holidays, and then get together with the extended families as our schedule allows.
What ECB said above about him being more afraid of upsetting his family than upsetting you? That needs to change. Ask him why his family is more important than yours, and why his feelings matter more than yours. If he continues to disagree that what you want doesn't matter, you need to get way more unpleasant.
I think the question I'd ask myself would be: "Why has it been 2 years since I saw my extended family at the holidays? Why am I spending the lead-up to holidays getting stressed out and pressured instead of getting excited about the holidays and making plans?" I'm not asking to be snarky- I'm asking because there's more roles in this decision than his family's pressure or your husband's preference for spending time with his local family, and if you want to change the outcome, it helps to look at your role. What is the reason that's had you caving to your husband's preferences or getting stressed and trying to please everyone else instead of saying, "Hey, we didn't see my extended family at all last year- we need to spend time at the holidays with them, too."? Figuring out that reason will help you change your approach.
Yes, it is hard to get families together, especially when you add the divorce and remarriage aspects. FIL is on his 3rd wife (she's a REAL gem!) and my H has one sister with the same parents, one 1/2 sister (they share a mom) and a 1/2 brother (they share a dad). I grew up in a family with no divorce and didn't really come in contact with it until I was in middle school so this is all very odd to me. There have also been some serious problems between FIL & his wife (mostly the wife) and myself so that makes family functions uncomfortable for me but I do my best.
It would be nice to just see our immediate families and then worry about extended family but unfortunately, the way his family does things is a little different. Extended family is always included and FIL & his wife host Thanksgiving at their house with EVERYONE (his family and her family) and my H's aunt & uncle host Christmas and Easter at their house with EVERYONE.
I told H that if we don't make every single holiday with every single family member, they will survive. It's supposed to be about enjoying family and time together but instead it just feels rushed and stressful. I can't wait for the day when we have a house big enough to accommodate our immediate family & WE can have everyone over for holidays! Until then, GOD HELP ME KEEP MY SANITY!
He's actually more a "daddy's boy." I've told him before I don't know who he's more worried about pleasing, me or his dad. Not that I want it to be a competition between us but his dad has quite a "hold on him.'
He also works for his dad so he gets to see him LITERALLY every day (except when he's on vacay 10 times a year) and my family is alone (just the 3 of them) so I like to see them on holidays. Maybe by showing him these comments, it will drive home that he is a bit unfair sometimes and we need better compromises. Thanks!
You know, just because they happen to host the holiday, doesn't mean that you HAVE to attend.............right?
Quite frankly, my sister's inlaws are like yours and my sister caves to it every single GD year. The result is that my H and I stopped dancing around their schedule and go several holidays in a row without seeing them. I'm betting that this is the attitude that your family has taken as well.
I'm a huge proponent of remembering that getting together on the actual holiday isn't as important as just plain getting together. So if you don't make it to THE Easter dinner, but offer to make plans to get together with immediate family the following weekend - will someone truly die? Will your husband be banished from the family? Was everyone else who married into the family expected to forever forgo seeing their birth families on the holidays too?
Wishing for the day that you can host both sides of the extended family isn't really the best solution here - standing up for yourself and refusing to simply go along with what your inlaws want every time is the better option.
I would get a pen and paper, sit down with him during a time when you're both in a good mood, and calmly but firmly insist that you divide holidays fairly amongst your families.
Figure out what holidays are more important to each family, what times of year are best/worst for traveling, whether you'll do a rotating schedule or a solid schedule (example, you will spend this Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with yours - then decide whether to switch that every year, or if you'll do the same thing every year). Decide if there will be any holidays where the two of you will stay home. And if you're planning to have children, decide if you will travel with them, host the holiday and invite the families, or if you will stay home with them and not invite anyone.
If your H refuses to compromise, that's the point where I'd just tell him to do what he wants and you will be visiting your own family for the next holiday.
Ditto, Maybride!
I was just telling my husband last night how much I loved the holidays as a kid. I spent every holiday with my mother's side of the family, because they lived locally. My dad's side of the family lives in another state, so my siblings and I never had to travel. My grandparents lived next door, so all the extended family came to us. I have so many wonderful memories of good times during holidays. My face lights up whenever I think about my grandmother in her apron, cooking up a feast for all of us to devour.
Now as an adult with my own children, it's difficult to find that balance to please both my family and my husband's family, because we are often in a tug of war between them, especially on holidays. My MIL is the score keeper - she has complained many times to me and my husband about how many events we attend for my family. And my mother gives me the guilt trip, but I love her dearly and she truly doesn't give me too hard a time about it because she knows where my heart is. My MIL is the sterotypical controlling, nosy, overbearing insecure MIL.
Even Mother's Day is an issue, because I am a mother afterall, and would appreciate a day when I didn't have to feel obligated to visit both my mother and my mother in law just b/c the calendar says it's mother's day. Holidays are not the same anymore for me, and have now become a daunting task and the only fun for me now is seeing the delight in my children's eyes. It's important to me that they feel special and loved. Whenever it becomes too too much, I remind myself that these times will not last forever, my grandparents are gone now and all I have left are memories of them. I am thankful that both my and my husband's family want us to be there. It beats being alone with nobody to celebrate with.
A good glass of wine helps too when my MIL starts bossing everyone around at her house.
It is what it is.
Honestly, I think you are living in a fanstasy world if you think you guys buying a bigger house will magically make everything better. Your ILs are not going to your house on the holidays, they just aren't. They will continue to guilt and pressure you both into coming to their home and your husband will continue to choose their happiness over yours. This is the base of your problem and you need to talk about it, not a bigger house.
I think that most people realize that when you get married, you will have obligations to your spouse's family. It seems like your spouse needs to stand up to his family and tell them that it's important to him and you to spend some holidays with your side. It's the only fair solution. You need to do this sooner rather than later, because it only gets worse (if) when you have kids!!
DH tells me to do whatever I think is fun on the holidays.
Since we don't want to do anything tomorrow for Easter, we're staying home and doing nothing. We've been invited out, but it didn't sound like fun, and we're not going.
It doesn't matter if anyone tries to guilt trip us. We do what we want and don't look back.
DH and I both firmly believe that it doesn't matter what happens on the holidays as long as you make every one of the 365 days of the year just as important.
If he sees his dad all the time, then what should one day matter?