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Am I Wrong??
Have DD with ex BF (never married) and we have been fighting over visitation. Long story short, we split (after 10 years) due to many fights, his temper, his lying about other women and physical abuse. I have caught him in MANY lies about where he stays with our DD, etc. (unsafe living conditions, i do have proof)
She has come home crying, smells like smoke, hasn't bathed in days and makes herself sick when she eats (he literally lets her eat junk all weekend) It has now gotten the the point where she will make herself sick so that she doesn't have to go with him on his weekends and tells me she does not want to go.
Now, here is my dilemma... after all arguements, lies, and seeing her this way (she is only six), I have refused to allow him to speak with her and will not let him see her. We have no legal paperwork stating visitation, etc. (he does not pay child support, he has no job) I know he is her father, but he is the least of my concerns. She comes first. I am just worried that she will hate me in the end for this... Am I wrong for this??
Re: Am I Wrong??
You need an attorney to get child visitation and child support rectified and settled upon (get his bank account garnished). Please do so tomorrow -- and if you feel your child isn't being cared for adequately while in her father's care, report this guy to your H's attorney. If he can't even make sure she's not around second hand smoke and if he can't make sure she's eating a nutritious meal, he's bad news.
If he hasn't got an attorney, I'd go as far as to refuse to let my child visit him at all until he got his act together as an adult and a parent. Why should she come home reeking of smoke and why should she be denied nutritious meals?
He also needs to get counseling for his anger. I'd make that a must.
Yes.
While I absolutely agree you have to protect your child, not allowing them to speak is taking it too far, unless there is more you haven't elaborated on. I think that public, supervised visits, supervised by you or by someone you trust, may be the answer here. From what you've posted, he isn't responsible enough to care for her, but that doesn't mean he can't hang out with her at the park or in a restaurant or something. She should know her father.
i should have elaborated... the reason i do not let them speak is b/c i have overheard him tell her things like 'your mommy will not let me come get you b/c she hates me and is being mean. tell your mommy to grow up'. all this does is get her upset.
Obviously you have never been in a situation similar to what this little girl is in.
I WISH my mom would have cut off my bio father long before I ended up doing it myself. You need to get her into a child psychologist and get her feelings documented. If she is making herself sick and saying in her own words she does not want to go have the psychologist get it in writing and get the reports to your lawyer ASAP!
I was a few years older than her, but did the same things, it got to the point I was having full blow panic attacks in the day or two leading up to when I knew I'd have to go see him. His feelings and demands are not worth gambling your child's physical and emotional well-being.
Always let her know it is her choice, and that if someday she wants to try to get to know him again that you will always leave that door open to her, but you will never force her either way. And keep her in therapy even after your lawyer has collected the evidence you need for court, it will help her so much down the road.
Don't assume.
He's got no business saying that to your daughter.
He's also using her as a pawn and a middleman.
If I were you, I'd have a nice private chat with him about this very thing. He's got no business saying this to her. He needs to cut it out.
Document everything that has gone on (coming back from visits dirty, hungry, etc).
As soon as you can afford to do so, get a lawyer. You don't want your ex claiming visitation rights while you are not protected.
I think that his constant trashing of you can be considered parental alienation, and can count against him. However, if you refuse to allow them to speak to each other, that can be held against YOU.
In the meantime, I would cut in-person visits, and would allow them to skype of for him to talk to her on the phone. If he bashes you, hang up and stop the conversation. Then write down what happened and keep it as a record.
I would post this on the Blended Families board on The Bump. I'm over there and the ladies give some great advice and are very knowledgeable!
My thoughts on this... Since you guys were never married and there is no legal agreements, technically YOU are the guardian of this child (is he on the birth certificate?) Regardless of whether he pays child support or not, you cannot withhold visitation (if there is a c/o in place!)
Get an attorney ASAP...
Where I live the fact that you are denying him any access to his daughter is called parental alienation and you could lose custody for it.
You need to hire an attorney.
I agree with the sentiment expressed in the above replies: you're right to want to protect your daughter, but you're going about it in the wrong way.
You need a good family law attorney. Expect him to hire a lawyer as well. Also, don't be surprised or offended if he asks for paternity testing. His lawyer will probably insist on this, given the fact that you guys were never married.
I used to work for a lawyer who handled a lot of complicated custody/visitation/paternity cases. When we worked on a case like yours, we always tried to establish supervised visitation, and a method we often tried was to appeal to the grandparents on the non-custodial side. If our client had a decent relationship with her ex's parents, we would try to get them involved as a stabilizing influence for
What's your relationship with his parents like? Could he visit with your DD at their house? I.e., he gets to see her, but they have control over important parenting decisions like food, health, and hygiene issues. Would your DD be more comfortable at her grandparents'?
(to neverblush...)
i do not have contact with his family. i have tried, but they will not return my calls, or answer when i call. i have been told by another that they are not willing to speak with DD b/c of me.
i am in the process of obtaining lawyer, but honestly, unable to pay the $3000 most want (& i have no help with this) i am also documenting EVERYTHING he says/she says.
This is just plain bad...sad for the child that her parental grandparents are being so childish. This is their grandbaby.
Try legal aid --- or maybe call your county bar association and explain the problem and include the fact that you are on a fixed income because you are a single mother. They can probably give you a list of attorneys that won't charge a lot.
Lawyers can be expensive...I feel for that.
I am in NO way an expert but maybe call your local Children and Youth Services? My sister and her hubby are the foster parents of my BIL's nieces. While the kids do get to see their parents, they have it stipulated that a professional from Children and Youth Services supervises the visits. They found this necessary after the kid's mother would tell them "don't listen to your uncle and his wife, you can come live with me (state says they can't as she is an unfit mother) and I'll let you do whatever you want. Contact with the mother outside of supervised visits did not do the child any favors as, according to her mother, the 8 year old could smoke cigarettes and stay out until all hours of the night. Supervised visits were a godsend to them. It might not be right for your situation but it might be worth looking into. Hope this helps!
i thank everyone for the advice! i have spoke with several attorneys (free consult, thank God) and all have told me that yes, i need to let her see her father, but that i should also write everything down, take pics (if possible) and give him just enough rope to hang himself. the more he 'messes up', the more it will go in my daughters favor (& mine)
she will be with him this coming weekend and i will be a wreck. again, thanx for all the advice!!
I do think you are protecting your child the best you know how, but preventing her father from talking to her may be a bit much. The visits, well, you two are going to have to come an agreement because although she needs her father in her life, you cannot put her health and mental well being at risk. You may need to have a social worker investigate the living situation, once he is told that it is not suitable for a child, maybe he will make the necessary adjustments to provide a happy, healthy environment for her.
Anything that is a danger to her is absolutely not acceptable and needs to be addressed and him given the opportunity to correct it. Having said that, you have to understand that you are both her parents, and he does want to be in her life. She needs a daddy, and although you may not agree with his parenting method, she is his child too and she will one day find out you kept her from him and she will be upset with you over that. A phone call wont hurt her, if anything it will reassure her that her daddy, who is the most important man in her life right now and will have affect on her future relationships with men, does love her and is thinking of her. Good Luck