Cleaning & Organizing
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sloppy Husband
DH is as sweet as pie, BUT, he is a slob. He will leave his plates from breakfast & lunch sitting on the table with his coffee cup that has proceeded to dry up and cake onto the bottom. I'm talking leave the bowl of cereal with some milk still in it. He comes home from work and takes off his uniform and leaves it on the floor. He will take of his shoes and socks downstairs and then leave them in the middle of the living room floor. I don't understand how it is so hard for him to bring them upstairs. His dirty laundry never makes it into the basket, although, they make it directly on the floor NEXT tot he basket. He just leaves his crap everywhere. I went on a boycott and refused to clean up after him before we were married - but the mess just got progressively worse. I love a clean house, but I feel I am cleaning it ALL the time!
Re: Sloppy Husband
I see 3 options here, and it sounds like you might have already tried one or two.
1) leave his things where he drops them. I know it will drive you nuts, but let him search for them when he needs them. Don't even pick them up to do his laundry. My DH started this, and I did not pick it up. He was a little embarrased when some friends stopped by and the house was scattered with his dirty clothes. He scrambled and never did that again. After they left, I told him that I was not his mother and I was not picking up after him. If that is where he wanted them, that's where they'll stay. Maybe you need to invite some friends over, and give him a day or two warning with notice that you are not picking up his things. If he leave his dishes, then he can move them when it's time to eat again. Tell him him if that is where he wants his dirty dishes, then he can wash them. I used to say, are you finished with this. If he said yes, I'd say then come here and take care of it. We each do our own laundry anyway. I try to make DH as independent as possible so that if something happens to me, he can responsibly take care of himself, and maybe me, too
2)If you really cannot deal with the mess, get a big basket or box and pick up his things and put them in the box for him. After all, you didn't know where he wanted them so you just kept them all together for him. If he wants something, he can go look in the box and see if it is there. But don't wash hs clothes from the box. But be very nice about it. Look sweetie, I picked up all your things.This is also a technique with a little older kids, not babies. It is called the Saturday box. If they are missing something they left laying around that you picked up and put into the box, they can ask for it on Saturday and get it back.
3)Pickup all his stuff and put it nicely away for him. If you want to continue to do that forever...
I'll be anxious to see what suggestions others have.
DH and I have been through this. I do all of the cleaning at our house. It's part of our agreement (I work shorter hours and DH works long hours and a 2nd job). However, if clothes are not in the laundry basket on laundry day, they do not get washed. I also went through a period of time where I did not wash any of his dress socks if he put them into the hamper in a sweaty ball. It was so sick to untangle damp, sweaty socks... I was gagging while sorting the laundry!
Along the way there have been many reminders that he is a contributing member of this household and it's his responsibility to put his shoes where they belong, pick up his dishes, etc. There are still times that he leaves trash on the counter RIGHT NEXT to the trash can. Or when he sees that I've washed all the dishes and he puts a bowl and spoon in the sink (he knows that they go in the dishwasher). At the end of the day, I do pick up after him for some things, but it's manageable!
Have you talked to him about his habits? Might be time to sit down for a heart to heart.
Unfortunately for those of us that are tidy, some people just do not notice or care about the mess they make. They have different standards of cleanliness.Since he is a grown man, I would say grit your teeth and stop cleaning up after him. I know it will drive you crazy. Or you could just start screaming and throwing things.(Which has worked for me in the past)
I feel like I wrote this word-for-word LOL! After I gave up on my cleaning hiatus, we talked about it and we're working on it. Baby steps. He swears that he just doesn't think about it.. hmmmm.
I really like Clea's Saturday box idea- it seems like it will both- make him clean up after himself, and keep your house somewhat tidy.
I think the hardest part is teaching him to care- I dont know if you can force a person to be conscientious. I would suggest teaching him a routine to clean regularly. Or even look back as you leave a room, to see if he can find anything out of place.
Sad but true, I am speaking from experience.
He would leave his clothes everywhere.
The one time friends stopped by (unannounced) he scrambled to pick up his underwear from the livingroom.
And I still don't pick up after him. My philosophy is if that's where you want it, that's where you keep it. And so he actually does pretty good. When everything else is picked up and he looks around to comment on the mess and he sees it is his, he doesn't say a word but puts it away. Rarely I have to say, is that really where you want your ___ or do you want to put it away. Or I'll flat out say, put this away.
Only in desperate situations will I pick up everything and shove it in his closet
Then I nicely tell him that I picked up everything for him (so nice of me to do that for you) and I put it all in your closet since I didn't know where you really wanted it.
A saturday box for DH would probably not go over too well, but I heard it does well for kids. Maybe just a box DH can dig through.
Its funny that people have this image of military members being neat. I was Air Force- I'm organized-but that's my personality. My husband was also Air Force- he's a little sloppy.
I don't think you're going to change your husband. I noticed you've been married for 3 months. Already mad about the mess? You have a whole lifetime of cleaning up after him. People don't change, you have to accept them for who they are. You knew he didn't clean up after himself before you were married. What made you think you can get married and he would change?
That goes for everyone else reading and replying. You HAVE to compromise. For example...My husband has never liked folding his bath towel in half and hanging it on the towel rack. Lately he wants to hang it on the top of the bathroom door. I don't want it on the door, so to compromise...I bought cute little hooks to match the bathroom. He's going to remove the towel rack and put up the cute hooks for me. This way, he just has to throw his towel on the hook...no more folding! He's happy, and I'm happy because there isn't a towel on the door anymore. I didn't change him, but now we're both happy. I have been with him for 8 years...married for almost 6 years. We have a wonderful marriage, we never fight. Its all about compromise.
100% truth... I left my first husband because of this crap. I told him right out. I have two kids, not 3. I warned him 3 times and told him there would not be a fourth.
Easy solution.... TELL him to pick up his ***, and stop picking up after him. DON'T do his wash.
Tell him right out you are not his maid. If he don't change and you don't want to put up with it. Leave!
Well, I do think everyone has a different standard of cleanliness. And no matter which side you fall on, it can be annoying to deal with the other person. In terms of actual cleaning, there are ways to work with it. But people should be able to clean up after themselves in terms of personal items by the time they reach adult hood.
And yet, you'll have differences with that too. Some people are fine leaving their shoes under the coffee table for 2 days and some people have to put them away as soon as they come off. I'd have a major discussion about it and try to work out a compromise. Like go through the common areas together once a day (maybe before dinner or before bed) and pick things up. But don't worry so much about the bedroom, which can be closed off when visitors stop by. However, if he wants his laundry done, he can put it in the basket (as long as you havea regular laundry day). If not, he can do his own load of laundry or wait for the next one.
40/112
I think most (not all) men have a completely different standard of cleanliness than most women. If it makes you feel better, you are not alone. Many wives deal with the exact same issues as you.
I am dealing with all of the above and then some. I was stressing myself out over trying to DH to help out around the house and I carried a constant grudge against him for being like my child. My therapist suggested just not picking up after him anymore. However, that only hurts me, not him because he doesn't care.
I have recently tried a new tactic for clothes/shoes all over the place. I will not put his dirty clothes in the hamper or wash them when he leaves them on the floor. Instead I will pick them up, and put them on his side of the bed. Under the covers, under his pillow, on top of the covers. Just so it's an in-his-face reminder. So far he hasn't said anything to me about it, and it isn't a 100% fix but it makes me feel better to have them off the floor, but I'm still not 100% cleaning up after him.
I have done this before! Once I got so angry at him for not picking up his clothes, that after I washed them, I folded mine & put them away, but threw all of his clean clothes all over the bed, so when he went to sleep that day (he was working night shift at the time), he'd either a) have to put them away or b) push them to the side or on the floor, but still have to put them away later. He was so angry with me, he ended up just pushing them on the floor, sorting them into a pile, and just choosing what to wear from those piles. He's very stubborn.
I have sort of the exact same thing with my husband. I went through a depression before we lost our old house and it got thrashed completely in ways I am ashamed to describe. Now that I am out of that and we are in a new house, which we rent (so I am even more conscientious about it) I am trying to get things neat and organised, but he still is ok with clothes pop cans etc. where they empty at. I so the inside chores and he does the mowing and trash (both of which I hate) and any other outside stuff that needs done. It sort of eases the burden on both of us.
I totally agree with this. Do not pick up after him -- once you start it never stops. When he has no clean clothes he'll figure it out. I had a friend who's husband threw all the dirty clothes next to the hamper and not in it. Guess what she didn't pick it up... she explained to him that if it wasn't in the hamper she didn't know if it was dirty or clean. The clothes in the hamper are dirty and they get washed. He learned very quickly after that. I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting to keep things picked up.
I am really happy to hear that you have a great marriage and everything, but honestly, I really don't understand people who post comments like this when someone just shared a marriage struggle they deal with. It's like throwing your great marriage in their face when they were just vulnerable about a problem in their marriage. I'm just saying it's not the most helpful or compassionate thing to say.
I am in the same boat with DH. I feel like I'm constantly picking up after him, or nagging him to pick up after himself. I know this is just how he is because it was the same thing when he and his roommates lived together after college, except it was three of them! Just thinking about that bathroom makes me go ewwww...
One trick I've recently tried that seems to be working is if he leaves an empty pop can, food wrapper, used napkin, etc. on the table I will ask if he's done with it. When he says yes, I'll just say could you please throw it away before going to bed. It's a compromise because I would really prefer it gets thrown out immediately (it's garbage! who wants garbage laying around the house???) but it doesn't really hurt anyone if it stays there until bedtime, and then I'm not late for work the next day because I was trying to clean up the house before leaving.
I also discovered a new method for dealing with random crap that accumulates. DH is in IT and often leaves installation CDs, wires, and tiny screwdrivers laying around the living room. If I try to throw it away he says he needs it. So now I ask three questions.
1. Is this something you need?
2. Is it something you need in this room?
3. Is this something that can be put in a drawer or basket?
Then at least I can put it away so it's out of sight, which reduces clutter (yay!) and he knows where I'm putting it. Now, I just have to figure out how to make sure it gets put back after he uses it...