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DH Holiday rant/debacle
This may be long, but I need your advice.
As you may know, I am Polish, moved here nine years ago with my dad and my mom followed in 2008. My sister has been visiting us every summer, but could never make it for Christmas because of her school. Now that she graduated she visited us this past Christmas and decided to stay in the US. My parents and sister live within an hour drive from us.
DH's whole family lives in Atlanta - his parents, his brother and sister with their families. He has never spent Christmas away from his family.
When we got married, I assumed that we would spend every other Christmas until we have kids with either of the parents. Since there is no way to be in both NY and Atlanta for the whole holiday, I thought it would be fair for both of us.
Today, I come back home and DH mentions Christmas. He said that he thinks we should make my parents and my sister travel to Atlanta for the Christmas with his family, so he does not need to be away from his family any of the Christmases. The problem is, everyone wants to spend Christmas at home - I want to spend it with my parents, he wants to spend it with his family, and each of our parents want to spend it at their homes. My mom does not want to be a guest for Christmas. It's not what the holiday is about. She does not speak English perfectly and would not be able to cook her delicious traditional Polish dishes. She would be surrounded by my in-laws who would be nice, of course, but they are still strangers to her. Most of all, she would not be able to understand the midnight mass.
I told DH all this, but he still believes that it's less of a compromise for me to spend all Christmases away from my family, that it is for him to spend every other one away from his. Then he started talking about us spending all other holidays with my family, in return for every Christmas for him with his family... it got stupid and it upset me.
I don't know how to explain to him that it's not fair for him to expect me to spend every Christmas away from my family. I realize that my family is just my parents and my sister, and we speak Polish most of the time, and I will make a better effort making the Christmas feel more homely for him. Truth is he has never spent Christmas with me before we got married, so he doesn't know what it's like. I am already anxious thinking about the conversations we will have just before Christmas.
Re: DH Holiday rant/debacle
I know this might sound crazy, but....what if you go to your family and he goes to his and you celebrate together on a different day.
I will say that is the nice thing about me being Jewish and DH Catholic.... For us it isn't a problem anyway, we, meaning DH and I have no desire to spend any day with his parents, especially not a holiday LOL.
Good Luck! This is a common problem in new marriages. I am sure you guys will work out a plan that will work in your relationship.
DH and I had this problem earlier in the year when he was mapping out his days off for '11. He wanted to go to NC to see his family at Christmas and switch off every year. My birthday is only days before Xmas and I refuse to travel then. It was resolved pretty quickly. I've never been so thankful to be a Christmas baby. I willingly travel for any other holiday but Christmas.
Anyway, I think you're just going to have to really talk to your husband about this. Because his idea of what's fair is CRAZY. He also needs to learn that he's a big boy now and his immediate family is you, not his parents anymore. Why would it be so hard for him to spend Christmas away from family if it's only every other year?
Do you all celebrate Thanksgiving? Could you go to Atlanta for that and then stay home for Christmas and vice versa the next?
If he won't budge, I would agree to what storm said. Tell him he can go to Atlanta but you're staying home this year. He'll either balk at the idea and decide to actually compromise or he'll go to Atlanta without you and see that it's no fun without his WIFE.
Do the creep.
Yeah, you guys definitely need to talk this through further. Marriage is a compromise and I personally think your suggestion of every other year is fair. He's being selfish to think you should travel to his family every year. I don't think the solution is to spend Xmas separately (unless you want to do that, but I just feel like that sets a bad precedent). I would suggest talking it through further when you guys are not so upset and try to really understand each other. I think he's being selfish, but I woudln't attack him on that. I'd just tyr to make him understand that his needs should not be more important than yours. I also think that his solution of having your family travel to his folks place is nuts. Who is he to dictate what your family does for their holiday?
And flying to Atlanta Christmas Eve night? That would be WAY too expensive and stressful for me. Maybe talk through all the options and then maybe he'll understand that he's asking too much.
Thank you, Ladies. It's so good to have your support, and all your advice. Thank you!
Since my family is Polish, we do not celebrate Thanksgiving... we do get a turkey dinner and have days off at work, but we don't care about it as much as DH's family does, so we spend every Thanksgiving with his parents. We also spend every Mother's Day with his mom, because I celebrate the Polish mother's day that is always on May 26. That way both moms are happy.
Yes, traveling on either of the Christmas days is out of the question. Too expensive and too stressful. Spending holidays is out too. If we move to Atlanta, as we hope we will, and start our family there, traveling to NY with kids may be out of the question, and then DH will have all the holidays he wants with his family.
I know we will have to talk... I just wish he did not end every conversation like this with: "I will do it for you, but it will suck for me". I feel a little guilty right now, because he really is a great man, and I love him so much, but he is stubborn as hell.
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