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Reading too much into it?
For the most part, my MIL & I get along fine. There have only been a few instances where there has been a conflict, & for that I'm thankful. But, there seems to be a pattern with her & this 1 thing in particular & I can't shake it bothering me. *** A bit of back story: Day after DH & I announced our engagement, MIL randomly says to DH "I wonder how 'R' is doing?" {His X from about 10 years ago}. He wasn't subtle at all & told her "Who cares? We are getting married. Why do you even care? That's stupid." Also, during wedding planning, my MIL called my FIL (DH's parents are 'bitterly' divorced) to ask him if he had 'R's information (# or email or something) & that she was thinking about making time to visit with 'R' while on her trip for our wedding. {I don't know if my MIL is aware, but 1 of my FIL's nurses after knee surgery ended up being 'R' & he said 'R' was asking about my DH & he told her: "My son is getting married to a wonderful girl. Leave him alone."} My DH spoke to his mom & told her that if 'R' contacts him or comes to our wedding, he will see to it personally that 'R' is booted along with the person responsible for her being there. DH also said that he (& I) don't care for 'R' being brought up & to just leave it alone. ***
This past weekend... DH brought home a nice stuffed chicken for dinner from a local grocery store coming home from work. I found a new side dish recipe online to try with it. My MIL arrived at our house the same time as my DH (chicken in hand)... I made dinner. While at the table, MIL directs her question at me: "You didn't make these homemade, right? You just bought them at the market?" I replied, "No, not the chicken. I made the veggie side & sauce homemade with a new recipe." She looked at my DH & said: "Do you remember who used to make this same chicken homemade? It was delicious!" My DH replied 'No.' MIL continued, "You don't remember!?! 'R's sister used to make these homemade!" DH continued eating & said, "No. I don't remember. So?" MIL finished by saying, "Ugh. I can't believe you don't remember that? So good."
.... I don't know... maybe I'm reading too much into it...?
I talked with my DH after the conversation actually sank in my head & it bothered me she brought 'R' up, after DH made clear we didn't care to hear about 'R'. I felt a bit disrespected, as it was at my own dining room table that it occurred. I said to my DH that I don't think it's the hill I want to die on though, so I'll keep mum, but that I wasn't happy about it & that I may speak up if there's a Next Time. DH agreed.
Have any of you had an issue with your MIL bringing up your DH's X? If so, how'd you handle it? Any advice would be nice. I just want to know how to equip myself in the even that I find myself in a similar situation again. *tia & sorry it's so long, too*
Re: Reading too much into it?
My H's family has made some comments about his ex as well. When we bought our house, MIL brought up boxes of his old things. There were old pictures of the ex... MIL took one out and put it on our mantle (apparently she thought it was funny... I did not). At first, I was livid. I didn't say anything while she was visiting, but when she left, I let H know how much it bothered me. I am pretty secure in our marriage now, and couldn't care less if his parents want to talk about his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, it was weird and made me a little uncomfortable, but it all blew over. I don't think your H should refuse to have her name spoken... the past is the past, he is married to you, and your MIL probably means nothing by it.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
UGH! I would soooo not like that either! You can speculate why she does it (maybe she missed R, or maybe she's just teasing your H). You'll never know why, really. I think as long as H is equally as put off by it, you have nothing to worry about. He obviously wants nothing to do with R, so your MIL is just gonna have to remember her fondly and get over it! I don't think you should say anything to her about it though. If anything H should tell her again to stop bringing her up.
Visit for easter weekend.
I think your MIL is being a jerk and that you have a right to be miffed about this, but I also think you guys are handling it the right way.
Your best way of handling it is to not take the bait. MIL says "Oh, 'R' used to make this chicken from scratch! It was SOOOOO good, too." You say, "Oh, that's nice." Let DH continue to handle it with his mom, being as firm about it as he needs to be, including leaving or asking Mom to leave if she brings it up again.
There is one thing I think could explain (but does not in any way excuse) your MIL's actions. It must be hard on parents to have to forge some kind of personal relationship with people their children date seriously, only to have that relationship taken away in the event of a breakup. Perhaps she got along well with R. When her son and R broke up, she may have harbored some hope that they would get back together again. Perhaps she never really accepted and "mourned" the loss of her relationship with R, even though her son clearly moved on to a better relationship -- with you! When you all announced your engagement, MIL suddenly was forced to deal with the fact that she was never going to have any contact with R -- ever again! She's now processing that and "mourning" the loss of that connection. She's doing it in a crappy, selfish way, though!
Like I said above, just ignore it and let your DH continue to bring the hammer down on his mom.
My mother will do things like this. DH can't stand his stepmom, and she's ALWAYS asking "and how is (stepmonster) doing?" I told her repeatedly that dh doesn't speak to her, can't stand her, etc. I honestly think my mom is addled in some way, or at least a social moron.
DH took care of it by making up stuff. "Oh, she's fine. I just spoke to her the other day." A complete lie (although other members of my family know that he is making stuff up, so he was not really trying to deceive her, just make her stop asking without YET ANOTHER confrontation). When my mom found out he made up stuff to shut her up, she stopped asking.
No, I don't think you are reading too much into this.
This should be one that your H handles, though, not you.
Ugh. You're FIML is being a total B***h. I don't really have any advice to give but just wanted to maybe help you feel better by stating:
1. You shouldn't have to put up with this. If she wants to continue to have a relationship with X then fine...just leave you and DH out of it.
2. Have DH take the lead. When she brings X up in yours and DH's presence have him remind her that they are not together for a reason. War didn't separate them...personality and possibly other issues did. Sometimes the X is a good match for the FIL's but the worst match for whom it really matters...your DH!
My MIL brought up my Husband's ex in conversation. She was not reminiscing about the wonderful past, but she was talking bad about her. Since I don't know the ex, I told my Husband that I was very uncomfortable since what happened had nothing to do with me. My Husband put a stop to it after the first couple of times. She did not realize what she was doing.
Your MIL is being rude and disrespectful. Your Husband needs to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she is not to bring up "R" in your's or your Husband's presence. She is also not to have a relationship with "R". You are her son's wife and it is very disrepectful to you. This has to be put forth to his mother that HE is uncomfortable with it, HE is standing up for his wife.