Hudson Valley Nesties
Nikosmom
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Parting ways with friends......
Im sure most of you have experienced friends that come into your life for a while and then leave for whatever reason. Maybe you moved, you had a fight, got married, became a mom, whatever......
I have friends from college that we try to keep intouch but dont get to see each other that often.
I have women that I am no longer friends with for no reason what so ever......we fell out of touch or they stopped making an effort.
I have women that I used to be friends with but am no longer because something has happened for us to part ways (argument, bad words, etc..)
Just wondering what your experiences are with situations like this. And if you have parted ways with women because of an argument do you consider this "holding a grudge?"
Re: Parting ways with friends......
Some of you might remember the post about the friend that texted me about coming to my baby shower without a gift -- unfortunately, it turned into a huge argument (on her behalf, not mine) via text and FB. We are no longer friends and I'm okay with it. Some friends just bring drama into your life and I don't need it.
Another friend I had lost sometime after my wedding because we drifted apart. It was a one sided friendship and I gave up making the effort only for her to be busy constantly and never making plans with me. It was sad but sometimes, that's life.
I still talk to my two best friends despite the fact that they both live hundreds of miles in different directions. I see them when they come back into town and we play catch up. Other than that, I have my core group of friends right here but it will be interesting to see how things change once the baby is here.
I have 1 friend in particular that I stopped talking to a few years ago. She was my neighbor growing up and we were best friends for 20+years. When we went to college we werent as close because she went to school in PA, but we still kept in contact. She moved to Philly after college and I would drive out there to see her from time to time. To make a really long story short, I suspected that she had a drug problem. I tried having numerous conversations with her about it. We've always considered each other more like Sisters, and she doesn't have a family to turn to for help, so I really felt the responsibility to help her. After several fights later and her ditching my wedding to score some drugs (she was a BM) I had had it and told her that we can't be friends anymore until she wants to get help for her problem. It's been almost 3 years since we have spoken.
This is an extreme situation though....most friends that I have lost touch with over the years has been because our lives have just been changing and we have drifted apart.
A lot of the time it has been because of drama. Someone who was a best friend of mine, fought with me during my breaking off my engagement with my ex over something SO STUPID. She never tried to contact me, deleted me from MySpace and when I tried to be the bigger person and text her on her bday (never got response) or email her during Christmas (it was like it was all my fault, like I wasn't going through enough already having to find a place to live and all, nice friend) She never tried to keep in contact after we emailed a couple of times that one time and so well, I say good riddance, she must not have been that good of a friend.
My real bff and I drifted apart mainly because of life. Her getting married and then having a son. She just never has the time to do anything EVER. Even though I have asked her to go to the park and stuff with her son, I never get a yes, so I just let it be. We talk occassionally but we don't know everything going on in each others lives like we use to.
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Having a baby, and moving to Rockland really changed my life. I miss the friends that I spent most of my 20s with so badly and it's hard for us to get together now. They do mean the world to me, and when we see each other it's like no time has passed (except for the freaking kid yelling at us for being too loud- that's new). We usually go away together every Memorial Day weekend and I LIVE for that time with them.
I have had other friends who have come and gone for whatever reason and years ago, I did lose one friend to an argument but that b!tch had it coming.
I suppose most of us can say that we've felt like we're missing people with common interests, in a similar place in life. Isn't that what what brought many of us here in the first place?
to me, holding a grudge means you think of it often and it makes your blood boil.
i don't hold long term grudges. when we part ways over a specific incident, i let it go. this was not the friend for me and i am fine with that. i might be sorry, but i'm not holding a grudge - i removed something yucky from my life!
ive had plenty of friends come and go for whatever reason. there is only one ex-friend that i would say i am holding a grudge against. she was in my close circle for years then there was an inicident with my girlfriend's wedding and she was horrible and selfish (to make a very long story short) and i honestly think if i see her i might run over her with my car. well not really, maybe 6 years ago i would have, but you get the point. the thing is, she showed her true colors and im glad to be rid of her. it sucked for a while but when someone is acting like a jerk it's easier to say goodbye. what was harder for me was when i moved out of nj and into the city. i didnt do it right after college, so it wasnt with the crowds of people who normally do this. i was established in my career and friends. but the culture is SO different and to some jersey people the city is like a world away. i lost a lot of friends like this. but it made it very clear who my real friends were. then i moved again and again. and most recently i became a mom and left my job. leaving my job was a big one too- all the people i spent years with were gone in a flash and people who i thought were very important i barely hear from. only a select few remain.
it's funny my husband used to comment to me "i had so many friends" but really that isnt true. i have a small group of really good friends- like 4 really good friends that i am sure i will be friends with my whole life. then i have a bunch of friends i hang out with a lot and have fun with, but i wouldnt put it past that if life changes our friendships might too. when i first lost "friends" it upset me, but now im used to it. it's a normal part of life and your real "friends" never leave anyway.
I had one very good friend in HS in the early years, but then we parted ways because of her being alittle pushy with her religion (Lutheran and Young Life groups) We re-connected senior year but then fell apart a few years later when she moved to Texas for school. I tried to stay in contact but it was so one sided I got tired of trying. How is it a friendship when only one is putting in the effort. I still talk to her once in a blue moon on FB but thats it.
Another good friend from HS, we just drifted apart over the years at the end of HS and kept the friendship going just for the sake of it. We have one mutual friend between us, they are still close now so i will see her when she comes to town but her and i dont chat much, maybe email every so often. Its nice that when we do get together there is no hard feeling or anything, we just went seperate ways as we got older.
Another girl i was very close friends with from elementary school. In HS she was the athelete and popular so we did our own things but remained friendly. After high school we were very close and then she moved to SC because of her dads job, we were still very close then, visting each other, emailing calling, etc. Eventually, it became one sided again, she would come up to NY to visit and i would offer her a ride or a place to stay and she woudln't acknowledge it. So i got annoyed and lessened my contact with her. When i got engaged, i believe she was a bit snubbed when i didnt ask her to be a bridesmaid. She then got engaged herslef to an airforce guy and wound up having her wedding May 1st in FL and mine was May 21st in NY. We had both said we wont stress about making it to each others, we will awlays be friends, etc etc. Her bachelorette party was in NYC. I couldn't make it and explained to her and her sister that for financial reasons I couldn't do it. I think she was snubbed then too and i did feel badly, since then our contact has been less as well. I still reach out to her now and again but she doesnt respond much, she now lives in Las Vegas with her hubs.
So yea i have two of my closest friends that i still talk to my BFF from high school and another girl i met at one of my old retail jobs and she is like a sister to me. I've never been the type to have TONS of friends, I prefer a close knit group. I'm always eager to meet up with old friends and touch base but they arent the ones i talk to on a constant basis.
Oh man, I've definitely had my fair share of parting ways with friends for whatever reason... arguments... grew apart.. etc. I don't hold grudges but I usually do not have the desire to reconnect. Although on a very rare occasion I had a friend who she and I had a bit of a falling out around my wedding, her mom was very ill which led to a bit of miscommunication with her attendance so she came to the wedding in Jamaica but we never spoke after that until this past November, so over 2 years, I reached out to her and we began hanging out again and now we see each other at least once a week and I'm really happy I did because she is definitely one of my best friends. I don't ever like to admit blame
but I do think I could have probably been more understanding about her mother because they really didn't know if she was going to live or not but I was wrapped up in my wedding drama because where we were supposed to get married had been hit by 2 back to back hurricanes only a week before our wedding so trying to straighten that situation was a nightmare. Oh and until I was faced with my own parent being sick did I realize what an as.shole I'd probably been and that is when you need friends the most not them ditching you as I've had some of that as well.
I really only have two people that I can think of who I was good friends with and then later became no longer friends --
My roommate from lawschool and I had sortof a love-hate relationship and, after graduating and getting some space from her, I realized that she was one of those people who is always negative and just constantly sucks the energy out of you. We kept in touch for about a year after graduation, but ultimately, I stopped making any effort because I honestly felt like I was better off and happier NOT being friends with her. I never really told her that, because she wasn't the type of person who could handle information like that well. I just sort of didn't respond to her last voicemail and email. She was the kind of person who got offended really easily, so that was pretty much all it took for her to drop me too. I don't really miss that friendship, I have to admit.
The other was a good friend in high school. There were four of us that always hung out together. Two of us went away to school and she stayed at home and went to the local college. During first year of college, she started dating this guy who was a total jerk and treated her badly. She had never really dated anyone in high school and I guess had low self-esteem. I understand how she fell for the first guy who showed an interest in her, but it was really hard for me to see him treating her badly and I was not the type of person to keep my opinion to myself (are you surprised?). After about a year of them dating, we started drifting apart. She knew that I didn't like him and she was so wrapped up in her relationship with him that, when I was home visiting, she really wasn't interested in going out or doing something that didn't involve bringing him along. We would see each other occasionally at friend's weddings, but never really reconnected. She ended up marrying the guy after graduating college, ultimately divorcing him when it became too much even for her, and about two years later, she committed suicide at age 29. I have reconnected with her mom since then, and occasionally email or get together for lunch with her when I'm back home. I have a lot of regrets about giving up on that friendship so easily and not being there for her.
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There are certain friendships that have ended in my life. At the time, I was sad and tried to be the bigger person. However, after a while I realized they did me the favor by removing toxic behavior from my life. I do think of them and hope they are well but life is too short to welcome so much drama and unnecessary effort in my life.
I have parted ways with friends because we have drifted apart, grown apart. My best friend from HS and I don't have much of a relationship anymore because are lives are vastly different and we just don't have a lot of common ground anymore, other than our shared history. It is sad but, I've made peace with it.
I've also had a couple of other experiences where we parted ways due to a conflict. One was with a work friend. She knew that my d-bag ex was cheating on me with one of our co-workers and did not let me know. Yes, it was sticky because she knew all three of us (work romances - don't do it!) but she had been friends with me far longer than the others and, even an anonymous note giving me a heads up, or planting a question in my mind would have been welcomed. Instead, she just sat back and watched the show. I don't hold a grudge but, there was no way I could continue the friendship with someone like that because I would never have been able to trust her again.
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It's nice to know I am not alone. I was starting to think it was me.....lol
I had a situation where a friend stopped making an effort. Ironically she reached out to me when I was getting married and when my dad passed away (2 seperate ocassions) I chose to not respond.
I had 2 girls in my wedding party that I no longer speak to as well. One made a racy comment about my H and we both basically stopped trying after a vacation a few months later. And the other was a coworker, there were extreme circumstances (she had a sick child) but it was wrong on both of our parts to not really try.
A an old coworker of DH's that we both had become close with recently stopped speaking to me. She's an older woman, like an aunt. I would expect that someine like that would realize she's to grown up for bs but I guess not. This is the same woman who didn't speak to me for close to a year because she didn't like where I sat her at our wedding
I'd say Im better off.
I still see from time to time a childhood friend who has 2 boys. We drift and then come back and are always able to pick up like no time has passed! I am also thankful for the ladies from thenest that I have become friends with, just wish I met you girls sooner
My bff from hs/college and I parted ways right before DH and I got engaged. Her life was drama, (my mom would sing no more drama by Mary J Blige whenever she would come over). After catching her in her 100th lie, I finally was done. It was all about her and had no time to listen to my troubles. I think a lot was jealously, I had my own apartment at 19, had a good boyfriend, went to a better school, etc. It came down to me saying unless this relationship is 50/50 I am out. I closed that door. She continued with the drama in our hometown. I was married and in VA at that time.
My BM and I parted ways (we say hi on fb every now and then) because of other friends she was close with and I wasn't, basically there was a bunch of them and 1 of me, and so its easier to make plans with them then 1 person who was living out of area and again in another stage of their life. ALso her bf is one of my ex's. He creeps me out after our past and when they broke up once things she told me, yet she went back to him. So....
For me/DH much of our losing touch with some of our old friends has been the fact that we got married young, have lived out of our parents house's for years and have careers. We are in different points in our lives, and now that we have a kid it is even harder for our single friends.
I had a close friend who really stabbed me in the back when she slept with my ex. At the time I was still in love with him, which was not unknown to her. She had slept with another one of my ex's and at that time I told her as long as it wasn't this specific ex then I didn't care. After that I could never trust her even though he and I were not together it still hurt.
Some of my other friends we drifted apart once i got engaged. Now I live in orange county and have a son, so i barely hear from them let alone get together.
For the most part, any friendships I have had end have been due to us getting married and having a baby and none of our other friends being at that stage in their life.
They still expect us to go out all night and dont understand why it just cant happen.
I do have one friend that sticks out that we had so many numerous issues over the years (she was a horrible BM, always ditched me for her BF, and basically expected me to hold the friendship together.) Recently, I did not go to her bridal shower b/c kids were not allowed. I sent quite a generous gift and in the thankyou note, she ripped me apart for not attending. I now have basically written her out of my life. I have enough issues, don't need drama with her on top of it. I do not consider it a grudge, just doing some "spring cleaning" of some drama.