Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Family Critism
The last time I spoke to my father (Christmas 2010) he upset me so much that I almost never wanted to speak to him again. He had the nerve to tell me that if I don't lose weight my husband will leave me. He said when I lived at home I used to look pretty good. Well, yeah because I had bulimia and after I stopped I blew up like a balloon. I told him that nobody needs to tell me how I look because I already know. He's very obese and so is my step mom. What he said about me could be said about his wife because she's not skinny. It was very hurtful to hear this from him. This was said right after he wished my husband a Merry Christmas on the phone.
He came to visit me last summer while my husband was away and for me it was uncomfortable. For one, he came out there to see how I was living because he has always thought that my husband and I couldn't make it on our own. He can't accept that I'm independent and have been able to live my life without his help. That was the first time he has visited me since I left home 8 years ago. I was happy to see him and my step mom until he started criticizing my parenting. My son has symptoms of ADHD and a lot of times he isn't listening to me because his mind is fixated on something else. My father disliked that my 6 year old didn't respond to him when we were at the beach. He wanted to clean the sand off his feet but my son was more interested in the water (like any typical child would be). So because my son wasn't listening to him he started yelling at me about how much I've spoiled my him.He asked me how we're doing with money and I told him we've been able to save a lot.For some reason he doesn't believe me (that's what he told my sister). He said that the money I saved up I'm going to have to use to bail my son out of jail. He criticizes everything I do, everything. He doesn't have one good thing to say about me.
It's the same with the rest of my family. I can't talk to them about anything because if I tell them about a problem they pretty much put the blame on me. But when they vent to me about their life, I just listen. My sisters really don't like me because they say I'm insecure and I am "Crazy." Since we've gotten older I don't let them insult me as easily as they used to. So now when I snark back at them they don't like it, even though they asked for it. Just like my dad they point out everything negative about me. She's stupid, she's crazy, she's slow, she's doesn't know what she's getting herself into, she's too young to get married and have a baby, her husband is an idiot, etc. These are the things (and there's lots more) that I've had to listen to. Can you blame me for feeling insecure and having low self esteem? It's all I've ever known and it has RUINED my life because I've let it get to met.
I finally recovered from bulimia after 12 years and now I must deal with the consequences of my actions. The more I think about it, I'm not sure if I want these people in my life. Their negativity caused a lot of hurt and pain which put me on a path to self destruction. In the end, they still have the same ill feelings about me that they had from the beginning. And to tell your daughter she needs to lose weight or her husband will leave her is uncalled for. I usually visit once a year but I'm not going to this year. I'm not sure if I ever will. I really don't want my son to see me in tears or hear my family criticize us. My son even told me he doesn't like his grandpa because he told him to shut up (I wasn't there when it happened). They call me 2 times a year (for my birthday and my son's birthday). I call them on holiday and birthdays and once in awhile in between. Now I refuse to visit them until I lose weight because I feel I have to look "perfect." So, if it takes me 5 years to slim down then I guess I won't be coming around anytime soon. My son is an only child and because my husband is military I worry about his future. What if something happens to me and my husband and my family is all he has? My husband's family wouldn't be able to financially take care of him. I can only imagine what kind of life he'd live with my family which is why I refuse to die until he reaches the age 18 (I pray everyday). Do you think my son is better off not seeing them or am I being selfish?
Re: Family Critism
Are you in therapy? There is no reason that you or your family needs to interact with your toxic family. Why are you giving into their demands and refusing to allow them to visit until you've done what they want?
Please please seek counseling to find some self worth and self respect. Just because these people are "family" does not give them the right to treat you like this or talk to you the way they do. Only you have the power to stop what they say from getting to you.
Good for you for beating your eating disorder! That alone should make you realize that you are a STRONG woman.
I'm sorry your family is mean. That's their problems, NOT yours. The only thing you can control is how you react. Make some boundaries, and consequences for crossing them, and let your family know you do not appreciate the way you (and your family) have been treated, and it ends today.Why is is selfish of you to want to be treated with the respect you deserve?
You beat bulimia, you can do anything!
ps, your son needs you way past his 18th bday!
Wow, I had the same experience with my stepgma too. She would constantly badmouth me, my siblings, counsins, parents, aunts and uncles. Everyone. No one ever stood up to her because they knew if they did, she would make my grandfather top seeing our family. So we all just put up with her abuse. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that my grandfather was just as bad as she was for tolerating that behavior. As an adult, I cut her out of my life and never regretted it ( yes even after she passed away). My mother even said that is she could go back in time, she wished she would have done the same. A barely there relationship with a weak grandfather was not worth the abuse we had to suffer all for the sake of the family. It was not healthy at all to see her bad mouth us kids and my parents to just over look it. One thing I learned is that no one should treat you like that. Not even family.
Getting life insurance to financially provide for your child in case you and your DH die is quite easy and affordable. In fact, since your DH is military, there should be financial plans in place in the event of his death.
Those funds could provide the finacial stability your child needs no matter the care taker. You could event set-up a trust for him so that the money could only be spent in certain ways or on a certain schedule (housing, education, trips, activities). You should have gaurdianship set-up, in writing with a lawyer. Again, quite easily and afforably.
You can easily make steps to assure that your family does not raise your child. And should.
74 books read in 2011
I'm assuming you are still in therapy for your bulimia? If not, please continue!
I think you should be very proud of yourself for all you have accomplished so far. Overcoming bulimia is HUGE! It's a great thing you are doing for yourself and for your son.
As for your family...have you ever explored the connection between their criticism and your bulimia? I have limited knowledge of food disorders, but isn't one motivation of bulimia/anorexia trying to be "perfect?" and having control over your body (b/c you feel out of control in other situations - like with your family?).
I would not connect seeing your family again and losing weight. The two should not be related in your mind. If you choose not to see them, that's fine. If you choose to have them in your lives and visit them, that should be your choice, too, regardless of your size. But to tell yourself you will only visit them if your body is "perfect" sets you up for failure one way or another. (For example, you start to lose weight in a healthy way, then think "wow, I'm a size 6, I can see my family again" - then you start eating poorly b/c in your mind you really don't want to see them and deal with them. Or, you decide you want to see them, you're a size 14, and you decide to stop eating for three months in order to "make weight" to visit).
I must say that you are a dynamic strong woman. I lost a very close childhood friend last year on her birthday due partially to her eating disorder. I know some of the struggles from my own experiences as well. Please keep you heart and soul strong and focus on continuing to become stronger.
You never have to take any comments like those from your father. Continue to focus on building yourself and your family. The others will either get a clue or get lost. I believe that people including family come into your life as well as leave your life for a reason. We may never know what that reason is however it will all work out.
IMO for what it may or may not be worth, don't give them any of your energy. They do not deserve you. Pray for them. And focus on your family. I would agree that your son is better off in not experience that negativity. I would encourage you to not share the bad with him. Let him learn down the road when he is strong and doesn't need that influence.
I hope it helps!
You don't have to put up with your family treating you like that. Just because they are your family, it doesn't give them the right to treat you badly.
As far as your family taking care of your son, I would say make sure you have life insurance. Also, if your son is a minor and anything happened to you or your husband, he would get money every month from social security. (Or at least his guardian would get money every month to help with expenses. We got money for my minor sister after our mom died.) Also, you HAVE to make sure you and your husband have a will (from a lawyer) that says EXACTLY what you want to happen with your son if anything should happen to either or both of you. As long as there is a legal will that you both have signed your family wouldn't be able to fight in court for guardianship of your son or any inheritance that he would get to take care of him. When my mom died she didn't have a will. Even though she had wanted me, my sister and my husband to be guardians of my sister, there was no will and my dad fought us in court for her...If there had been a will we wouldn't have had to worry about not being her guardians and it wouldn't have taken so long to get our guardian papers. After my experience, I can't stress enough how important a will is, when it comes to who gets to be guardian of your children. It is the only way to make your wishes known and legal.
Good luck figuring everything out!