Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DD- The gift post?
Where did it go, I have part of it.
Re: DD- The gift post?
mariat
Joined on 11-29-2002
New York
49 Posts
982 Points
Gifts: Fair to give more $ to one family member over another?
I have two nephews who are brothers. Over the years the older nephew has always been nice, respectful & affectionate to DH and I. He has always been a loving family member.
His younger brother year after year has always been distant, rude and disrespectful to us. Most of his life he never said hello/goodbye or acknowledge gifts we gave or effort we put into to holidays, birthdays or gatherings unless his parents were around to prompt him. Most of the time he barely acknowledged our presence. We've had countless dinners and gatherings where he simply stuck his nose in a game while the other brother would share in conversation with all of us.
He has always been this way to us and to most of his extended family...the only family he has always been consistantly nice to is one pair of grandparents who spoil with gifts of $ or the latest gadgets or trips to desired places.
We could never compete on the same level financially, but we always tried to put our heart into everything and we sat down and explained to him once that we did things like make his favorite dessert to show we loved him. Sheepishly he said he understood and then went right back to ignoring us the next time we got together with the families...and it has always been this way and I can't see it changing.
and so here is the $1,000,000 question...come graduation time now or in the future when they get married after years and years of crappy treatment from one nephew and loving treatment from the other - do DH and I have to give them equal amounts?
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04-28-2011 at 5:24 PM
EastCoastB...
Joined on 08-12-2001
East Coast!
20,613 Posts
133,175 Points
No, of course you don't. especially for events that are only about one of them and not the other.
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~Benjamin Franklin
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04-28-2011 at 5:41 PM
MrsNYCteac...
Joined on 02-24-2011
146 Posts
2,735 Points
I had a similar situation and I did not give the same amount. For example my cousin, who is distant and rude, got a very nice bible and plaque for his confirmation...his sister, who is a doll, got a Coach bag for her confirmation. I do feel a little guilty because I always feel like whatever you do for one you do for the other...but I KNOW I did the right thing based on relationship and appreciation. You give what you want for all people in your life. Hope that helped.
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04-28-2011 at 5:46 PM
99penguins
Joined on 11-30-2009
28 Posts
540 Points
I was an incredibly shy child up through most of high school. My sisters were the complete opposite of me. Looking back, I could see how someone might have described me very much the same way that you are describing your nephew. I am a much more outgoing adult and when I try to explain to people how shy I was as a child, I usually say, I was so shy that I didn't even talk to my family. This was a debilitating shyness for me and it took a lot of work to overcome.
There were a few family members who I was more comfortable around (the way you describe your nephew around his one set of grandparents), simply because I spent more time with them or because, despite my incredible shyness, they simple kept talking to me and interacting with me, so eventually I loosened up around them. It had absolutely nothing to do with what they bought me or where they took me.
If one of my relatives had sat me down as a child and explained that they couldn't afford to give me extravagant gifts and that is why they did things like make me my favorite desert, I would have been incredibly uncomfortable and would have sheepishly replied that I understood, because, I was a smart child, and I did understand that some of my family members could not afford large gifts, but also, my response also would have been sheepish, because of the incredibly awkward position this person just put me in. I never questioned their love for me.
I am getting married in just a very short time, I would hate to think that because I was a shy child, my relatives are holding that against me as an adult and purposely giving me lesser gifts than my sister who was a cheerful, outgoing, and funny child.
The only crappy treatment I see in your story is coming from you.
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04-28-2011 at 5:54 PM
mariat
Joined on 11-29-2002
New York
49 Posts
982 Points
Thank you both for your responses. I never set out to treat one differently than the other of course but I can't help but feel that way now after years and years of being made to feel that basically my family and I were not worth acknowledging.
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04-28-2011 at 6:03 PM
99penguins
Joined on 11-30-2009
28 Posts
540 Points
I am not saying that you cannot like one of your nephews more than the other. One certainly seems friendlier. However, you do not give any examples that show your one nephew as rude, just shy (again, I am basing this on my personality as a kid). If you told me that he talked and talked to others during the dinners, but never said anything to you, or that when you gave him a simple, but thoughtful gift, he said something like, "is this all?" or when you invited him to a picnic at the playground all he did was talk about the trip to Disneyland that grandma took him on, I would agree that he was being rude, but from what you describe, he is just shy.
Now, I cannot fault you for feeling as though your family were not worth acknowledging, but I am hoping that you will look back at his behavior from the point of view I just gave you and ask yourself, was he being rude or just anti-social? And if it turns out you realize that it was not a personal attack on you and your family, the please do not treat him differently than his brother in the future. It does not seem like he has done anything to deserve that.
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04-28-2011 at 6:13 PM
Bison1376
Joined on 08-30-2010
186 Posts
4,095 Points
I understand what you are saying, but I hate
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