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initiating sex question
if this is asked often, i'm sorry, just point me backwards and I'll go looking for another post.
who initiates more often, you or your husband?
in the case of blow jobs, who initiates? does he ask for them?
I ask because: hubs and I have been having conversations lately because of his lack of sex drive in the past few weeks (started a new med 4 wks ago, is getting checked out by the dr next week) about initiating sex. he feels that it is a woman's place to "please her man" and would like it if I initiate more - which I have been working on, it's not second nature to me but I'd like to be more proactive.
I feel that even with his lack of sex drive, he could still make an attempt to help me by initiating at times (I told him I have a problem last night, that I feel like he doesn't want to have sex with me and that this could be a solution). he is saying that he can't due to his lack of sex drive. however, when I initiate, he will always become aroused and function properly. I asked him if he could initiate even if he doesn't feel like it, and then I could take over from there - I told him it would make me feel better. He said he doesn't think he can do that.
I ask about the bj question because he thinks I should just come out and ask "you want a bj?" which I don't like to do; I like to put a bit of romance/play in there and I told him it makes me feel like a wh0re, to which he replied "but can't you be my wh0re?" I get the whole role-playing thing that may be involved in that answer, but still - I was under the impression that when most guys want a bj they ask for one?
Just wanted to get some other opinions because I don't usually talk a lot to anyone about sex, and wanted to see what others do, or if you have any constructive criticism.
Baby in a Blue Teapot
Tempest in a Blue Teapot, food and everything else
"You live, you learn, you drink, and move on." ~ Rotty
Re: initiating sex question
I am completely 360. I love sex and love to talk to him about it. I ask him for it almost every day and he is always tired unless I damn near rape him which is frequently. So, be happy all he wants to do is ask.
Here is what strikes me as odd with men. Why do they want you to ask them for a bj- I assume they ALWAYS want a bj. I never ask MH if he wants one, I just give it to him. He is a lucky one though because I love to give them but because I bashed him so much about doing oral on me he only does it once in a blue moon and I am guiding him the whole way through.
If you don't like to talk about it with him, actions speak louder than words. Just strip one evening and give him a sexy look or cook dinner with just a robe on. There are a million and one ways where subtlety will win and if you don't like to just flat out ask him, "Hey, you wanna have sex?" just go for that way. Good luck and hope it all works out.
I have to ask... are there more bj's than actual sex?? I have to ask b/c I know this routine all too well. My ex said he had no desire b/c of meds & i believed it until i began to notice i initiated all the time & he could 'finish' with bj more than with sex. (this was bad!)
Try wearing sexy lingerie, etc. See what happens.
I wish you the best.
no, I hate giving bjs, poor guy. it's usually 1/month right now. I go down on him almost every time we have sex though. it's the end result of the bj I am not excited about, lol.
I don't have a problem with initiating, I just don't share his thoughts that it is my job all the time, and lately it's been only me, which is why I asked him about it the other night. And I'm still a bit confused at how he can follow through if I initiate it...but then he doesn't have a sex drive to initiate it on his own?
Baby in a Blue Teapot
Tempest in a Blue Teapot, food and everything else
"You live, you learn, you drink, and move on." ~ Rotty
Unrelated question: How do you get your rings off? It looks really tight. Sometimes my fingers swell really badly and I can't get mine off. Just curious.
DH and I are 50/50 as far as initiating. I do notice that he gets more turned on when I initiate and take control. However, he likes to be in control too. Yes, it is your job to please your man, BUT it is also HIS job to return the favor and make you feel satisfied and appreciated. Judging from your post, he's failing in that area.
As for BJ's sometimes he asks and sometimes I just give him one. It doesn't bug me that he asks. There's been plenty of times when I've asked him to return the favor (if you kwim). I don't like for him to finish in my mouth, so I have him do it elsewhere. He really wishes that I would let him, but I talked to him about my comfort zone, and he has also comprimised on other things. So it's a give and take approach.
If the wh0re comments bother you, that's something you need to talk about. Everyone has limits as far as dirty talk/name calling goes. Not being on the same page has the potential to cause a lot of hurt feelings.
The luckiest555. I agree with pp that you hands and that ring finger DO NOT look healthy.
That looks like at best a nasty case of fluid retention. Are you taking steroids, having kidney problems or pregnant?
She wasn't trying to be nasty. She was offering genuine advice. I agree. That looks like a nasty case of water retention.
were you aiming this at the original post? I never stated anything like that.
Baby in a Blue Teapot
Tempest in a Blue Teapot, food and everything else
"You live, you learn, you drink, and move on." ~ Rotty
I work at a jewelry store and whenever a customer comes in and can't get their ring off, we use Windex. It slides right off and won't damage the ring.
I apologize for the wordiness :-p
@ kittybits I totally identify with your questions and thoughts, thanks for posting them.
) and then we go for it. Some other times, he says he?s too tired. Too tired?! Just let the adrenaline (and whatever other hormones) kick in, then you?ll me good to go :-D It?s often frustrating to have to wait for him, and nearly pester him to have sex with me (is talking about hard drives and cables *really* that interesting?). It?s hard when he drags his feet and leaves it to me to initiate. Waiting around always kills the romance of spontaneity, and it is sometimes difficult to get in the mood later, when he decides the time is right for him. Maybe I just need to choose better times when he?s not in the middle of something? Let me just say in conclusion of this topic.. there?s nothing that makes you feel more sexy than having the hubs become totally distracted and enamored with you!
I have not kept track, but I?m pretty sure I initiate most often, since apparently I have a higher SD than he does. (I never thought this would be the case when we talked about sex before we were married.. it?s been a surprise) Usually what happens is I make the suggestion that we should have sex, and then wait around for him to get done with whatever he?s doing (usually playing video games, or posting on computer forums- I married a nerd
--> does this type of situation happen to anyone else?
I think that initiation *should* be 50/50 - or even better if it?s both you ideas! While it is a woman?s place to please her husband - it?s also a man?s place to please his wife! Sex is about each other, not a happy feeling (though it is one heck of a happy feeling).
Most people have different ideas of how they think initiation, foreplay and sex should happen - and there are often conflicting ideas between spouses. It?s good to talk about it and come to an understanding between the two of you (the hubs and I are not really there yet - we were both virgins by choice until our wedding night, and have had a lot of [pleasurable] figuring out to do since then! -- side note -- I have not regretted this decision once, and highly encourage everyone to practice chastity before marriage). You can really discover a lot by thinking through and talking about your expectations together. Personally, I think it is really helpful to say what you?re thinking during sex (unless you are thinking about mowing the lawn, or what you have to do in the office tomorrow!), don?t be afraid to say what you like ?that feels good?..., or say, could you move over to [place]? If you want something, ask for it. It will only bring you frustration if you expect your spouse to read your mind.