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Does your family know your rent/mortgage?
My sister can be really rude sometimes. Dh and I are moving in July, and we just found a new apartment we really like and sent in the app for that apartment (which we found out they had screwed up and already leased the apartment without telling us, so I guess we're back at square one). Anyways, before we knew that part we told my parents and sister that we had found a new apartment. My sister wanted to know how much we would be paying in rent (first question she asked). I was taken aback and told her it was none of her business. She kept demanding to know. She then asked the name of the property, which I told her, then proceeded to look it up online and announce to everyone how much we were paying in rent (which, by the way, is not true. We're paying way less than the market rate listed online). I'm annoyed, dh says she's just jealous.
Am I overreacting? Does your family know how much you pay in rent and/or mortgage?
Re: Does your family know your rent/mortgage?
No, and I'd be furious if I were you. But all you can do is ignore her and continue to not tell her details like that.
Have you asked her why she feels she needs to know? That's very bizarre.
74 books read in 2011
She's a bizzare person. 3 years ago I got married. She threw a fit at my wedding. She stayed in the back crying because she couldn't believe I was getting married first. She was supposed to be a bridesmaid, but she ordered a dress as a size 4 when she's a size 8. She said she would be a size 4 come wedding time. She wasn't. My wedding planner was trying to work with her on how to make it fit (basically most of the zipper in the back wouldn't zip up). My wedding planner was telling her this happens a lot and they've fixed in numerous ways. My sister said she didn't want to hear it. We had already printed the programs so the entire night I was asked, "why is sister's name not in your wedding anymore?" Blah.
Yes, a few family and friends know how much we pay roughly. No exact numbers but more of a ball park figure. People like to size up numbers sometimes. Plus I have a knack for finding good places, so they usually ask out of curiosity for when they move. And I know how much rent cost for some of my family. Usually it is out of curiosity because their place either sucks so bad I wonder how much they are being conned for, or it is such a nice place I want to see if it at a fair price for when I move.
But I don't think you are over reacting. Of the family that know our amount of rent, they have kept it to themselves for the most part. They don't go gossiping around about it, same goes for me with their rent information. Your sister's behavior is atrocious, if she wanted to know, looking it up would be fine, but to go around telling everyone like it is some big juicy gossip bit is not ok in my book.
Does she have a history of being so nosy and dramatic?
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Sorry to hear the apartment got rented out from underneath you. As far as the whole "sister demanding to know" bit... I'm curious to her situation, first off. If her circumstances are different, such as age & personal relationship & place of residence... she might be wondering what it would cost herself to get out & move. She might not have handled the approach to it with tact, but hey: it happens. As far as her going online to look it up & share that information with everybody, it was a bit over the line. I would suggest you just sit her down & explain to her that it bothered you & why. Be honest, but not confrontational. I'd say something to the degree: "Look, sis... DH & I recently married & it's going to be a big adjustment for us & then to move ontop of it, too. It's stressful. Finances are actually kind of personal to us & so when it was shared with everyone, it really made me upset. I felt a little disrespected, actually. I wouldn't do something like that & so when you did, I was really hurt by it. It's not even about the money... it's the fact that it was just sort of rude. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but it's honestly how I feel." Hopefully that will suffice & she'll know that next time $ comes up to steer clear of that conversation. I think establishing boundaries would definately benefit you in the long haul.
As for my DH & my finances... yes. My in-laws know what we pay on the house because my FIL flew out with my DH to find our house, as DH's job relocated us & I needed to finish packing or we'd not move in time. We got the house a week before we moved 1/2 across the country. I don't mind them knowing at all. It can be bothersome having some people say "Well.. just come & visit!" when we really can't just Up liek that. I think it's quite nice to have someone understand because they get that we can't just jump on a plane to come visit them. They see what we pay & they respect us & our situation. They don't push issues & occassionally will give us tips on how to save $, too. They know we're newlyweds & they've been there.. they get it. As far as siblings & whatnot... nope. They have their own families & finances to worry about. They don't really care & we don't really care to share, so... win-win.
Yes, she is nosy and dramatic. When I wouldn't tell her she proceeded to tell me her rent and ask if I was paying more. I said, "I don't know." I was just trying to get her to shut up about it. She annoys me.
Yea... my parents know a rough ballpark of what we're paying (they knew our price range) because my Mom was with me when I looked at one. My sister is dramatic and does stuff like this (I don't trust her at all) so that's why I don't tell her ANY of our finances. Also, she's looking to buy a house, so moving to an apartment is not the reason why she wanted to know. She's always curious about finances (she likes to judge if my parents give me any money, which they don't, so she can demand the same). When I started grad school she wanted to know if I was taking out loans, for how much, and how much my parents were giving. I told her that isn't her business.
No, I don't tell my family any type of personal information.
My sister has often asked me in subtle and not so subtle ways how much my salary is and I've refused to answer.
Yes, I suspect that question is coming down the line.
My dh's aunt was a tax accountant and offered to do our taxes for free, years ago. Dh and I were just married; and he was fine with the idea; I was NOT fine, and we declined. His mom (accountant's sister) was really ticked; she ragged on us for months about not using her sister. Not on your life, MIL.
No, we don't share our financial information with anyone.
I always push it back on her. Really casually, with a smile, say, "Oh, why do you need to know?"
Her: "Oh, I was just curious?"
You, "Oh, you were just curious.".....let the statement die off slowly....change the subject
When she brings it up again, you could ask her to remind you again why she was curious.
Or, sometimes I do the Dr Evil pinky thing and say "one MILLION dollars", etc.
If she says that she will just look your salary up on Monster or something similar, tell her she is free to do so, but don't take the bait beyond that.
My sister just last night emailed me a copy of her new rental/lease agreement so I could go over it and help her pick out the questions to ask (I'm a landlord so I understand a lot of this stuff and know the points that might be problematic). In the lease was their rent cost. She had no problem sharing it with me and to me that shows trust. I haven't gone out and publicized how much our mortgage is, but Dad's asked and I've told him. I don't mind.
I think this all boils down not to privacy as much as it is about trust within a family. We're not competitive in our family at all (except for SIL, Bro's wife, but he married a problem-child... we'll leave it at that) so within that small framework, we're honest. We don't let strangers and newbies in, and fortunately H's family works much the same way. I don't know if they know what our mortgage is - I've not told them and it's not H's character to do so - but it wouldn't bother me if they knew.
Your sister is obviously playing the competition game. Your only choice here is not to engage - what she's doing says everything about her and nothing about you, unless you engage. She'll find out numbers, she'll share stuff that's not hers to share, and she'll be a *** about it all, but the thing is, how you react to her shows your character and people will pick up on that. Your reaction only gives her the attention she's seeking, and encourages her to continue. If it were me, I'd just ignore her. Continuously, consistently and reliably.
I'd be mad if I didn't want everyone to know. Your sister should have respected you telling her "it's none of your business" and left it at that.
I really think it depends on your family as to whether or not you share that information. I tell my parents about our financial situation... they've always been really open with me about their finances, which is where I learned how to be responsible with money. They've also helped DH and I... lent us some money to add to our house downpayment, gave us their old car, paid for our wedding.
DH's family is the exact opposite though... they're bajillionaires but have never shared any of their financial info with DH. It's their prerogative, but they've chosen nnot to help DH financially at all since he graduated college, and when he needed a place to stay for a while between apartments, they made him sign a lease and charged him money to move back to their house. I don't tell them ANYTHING about our finances, and I'd never feel comfortable asking them for help.
Eh, they might. I know my twin sister does/did know how much our rent is because she use to live near by and paid way more than us. She's not spreading said info around and has probably forgotten as she's moved back to our hometown and is house hunting. So I'm not worried. Plus my family is supportive and not intrusive so it's NBD IMO.
H's family doesn't know, hasn't asked and never will. The are firm believers in minding their own business. I wouldn't care if they knew though. His family is great.
I agree that if it is a trusted thing within one's family, then yes some people would be ok with sharing. Obviously your sister is just...nutty?
My parents know what we pay but my in-laws don't. I can't trust them so they don't need to have that info. I'll never forget how my MIL ranted after she took me to a pharmacy drive-thru when I was sick and she heard the cost of the meds, then inquired about my birth control. unnnghhhh.
My mother does our taxes, and my MIL looks everything up on Zillow.
So yes.
My MIL did this too when we sold some properties... I wouldn't tell her what we sold things for.... she constantly tries to find out how much money we have.... annoying yes.... but it keeps the conversations brief since we hang up when she starts in....
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Yes, I brag about it as often as possible (not quite)
I have one of the 10,000 rent stbilized apartments in NYC. My rent is about what a one room tenament apt. would go for and I have a luxury 6rm overlooking the park.
and yes, my landlord would love to see me die!
If she's not going to relent & you're tired of dealing with it... call her out on it. Try not to lose your cool, but still be firm in how you address it:
"You know, I don't get it. We grew up in the same house, same parents, same rules, but for some odd reason you have this thing with crossing the line & I'm done. I don't get how what's in our pockets concerns you at all. I don't care about what all you've got going on with yourself & I don't pry, either, so don't do it to us."
By using the "our" & the "us" .. it's reitterating the fact that it's not just you she's crossing the line with. Hopefully that will be enough. Try not to hit below the belt & drag up anything in particular... that's bound to have ill reprocussions. I'd keep it planted firmly on facts that are irrefutable. If her m.o. is to come back fists flying & words wounding... remove yourself from the situation. (hope this helps)
For me...my family is like that. We are all extremely close and my fiance and I told my entire family how much we were buying our home for and our monthly payments with escrow. When my sister got her most recent apartment, I asked about how much rent was. Not for being nosy, just to make sure she wouldn't be getting screwed or anything, plus like I said- we all talk about all that stuff. But if it makes you uncomfortable then def don't tell your sis things like that. Sucks she went out of her way to look it up.