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My parents are passive aggressive a******s
So my parents were abusive to me when I lived with them. We'd get into screaming matches daily in which they would call me a "spoiled, selfish b*tch" and tell me that my boyfriend hated being around me, as well as bunch of other all around sh*itty things. I'm not going to try and claim that I was the perfect daughter, but this type of behavior started when I was 14 and I even in hindsight, I don't think that I deserved that level of hatred.
I moved out the day after I graduated high school and put myself through college. They got nicer, but it was done in a very underhanded way and the facade always fell away once I, once again, told them I wasn't moving home. They are always trying to guilt me into having a relationship with them or being friends with them, but it's bad for me and my mental health, so I don't want to.
A few days ago, I got an email from my mom asking me why I didn't call anyone at Easter. And then she sent me on a guilt trip about the fact that I haven't called my aunt who was more like my mother than she was and my completely awesome grandfather. She then had the balls to say that she found a letter that I wrote her when I was 15 and that she was sorry that I hated me life so much but "I am certain you would feel differently if you knew our side, but doubt that will happen." What different side is there to constant emotional abuse, neglect, and occasional physical abuse?!
It's had me pissed off for days. The keep saying that they want a relationship and I keep thinking that I should give them a chance, but then they say sh*t like that. I don't know how to get it through their head that I don't want a relationship and I don't know how to get it through my head that I don't need to feel guilty about not wanting one.
Re: My parents are passive aggressive a******s
Are you in therapy or counseling? If you aren't, I recommend it.
Secondly, I know how it feels to be you. My father is an abuser, he just can't stop the cycle of abuse. To this day, he believes he "did his best" to raise us. It hurts even more to hear the "what else was I supposed to do?" excuse when it comes to abuse.
But therapy really helped me accept what I could not change, which was my dad and my past. I learned to let go and even forgive my dad. As messed up as it is, your parents might just be like my dad, selfish to the bone, always thinking of themselves before others. It sucks but letting it go makes it easier to move on.
You don't have to feel guilted by them. It sounds like they are more guilty of their own wrongdoings and are looking for forgiveness in their own sick way because you aren't involved in their life like other people's kids are. This is something they should feel guilty about not you. If you don't want to have a relationship with them you don't have to! Don't let anyone tell you different!
You get it through her head by not responding. Change your email, change your phone number, STOP RESPONDING TO HER. You're just giving her what she wants.
Therapy. Now. That's how you get it through your head that shared DNA doesn't mean you have to keep these people in your life. If your best friend had a tumor that would kill her if she didn't have it removed, would you tell her she has to keep it since it's a part of her body? No. You'd tell her to get it removed. You need therapy to find out why you insist on keeping your tumor and being miserable.
You don't need to feel guilty for not talking to her, accepting her calls, etc.
There are a ton of phone apps to block certain numbers, get one. And ignore her emails - I had to set up a folder and mail rules so everything from relatives goes to a specific folder, that I read on my terms.
Don't feel guilty. You need to do what's best for you - and that likely includes cutting contact, at least for now.
74 books read in 2011
Yeah, them trying to justify it in some way is what pisses me off the most. If they were just being passive aggressive or unreasonable, I could deal with it (it's actually amusing at times). But telling me that they were justified or that I deserved it somehow, that's just horrible.
I've been meaning to get into therapy. I've been in an out for the last few years; I didn't have insurance until last summer and before that my college counseling center had a lot of turn over. Since I've gotten insurance I've moved to a new city and I've wanted to start back up but I'm worried about finding a good one who doesn't know my best friend who is a psychologist who will definitely come up.
I'm trying to get the courage to tell my mom that she can't say things like that to me any more and cut off all contact with her. I'm at a disadvantage because she and my father (who are both around 50) just moved in with my 89 year old grandfather (who is in perfect health; they just can't manage their finances) so there is a chance that they will intercept my phone calls and not let me talk to him or that they will try to trap me into conversations.
Yay for family drama...
I agree with the PP.
Cut or limit contact .
Find a good therapist to help you make some headway against the guilt and decide how you want to move forward with your life.
GL
I have a sister who I have cut out of my life, for just the reasons you outline about your mother. Since I have done this, life has been so, so much better, more positive, I have more energy, more positive energy in my life. Matching DNA is not an invitation to continually abuse, or a requirement that you continue to tolerate the abuse.
You do sound really conflicted about this though; and your mother still has the power to upset you and send you on guilt trips etc, as you say; and she has this power because you give it to her. Why you still give her this power over you, and how you stop it, are things that dysfunctional-family therapists can help you with. I strongly, strongly recommend counselling for you, to help you walk through the past, box away what you can, release some anger about it, and help yourself move forward. You will feel so much better. And no, your mother and father will never change. So, you have to, if you want to feel better.
..you may be surprised when you have that conversation. I told my mom a year and a half ago that she could treat me with respect or not at all and she said if I was giving her an ultimatum she'd prefer not at all...soooo I acquiesced.
I get the whole ordeal of having some Family Drama.... trust me on that. But I agree with some of the PP'ers who suggest Counseling. I have been going myself for about a year now & I must say... it's helped me & given me a better perspective on things, which in turn has made life easier.
I also agree that there's no rational reason for justifying your parents behavior, or the attempt to. She does have a point in the fact that you don't know where they're coming from, but on the same token, they don't know where you're coming from, either. I highly suggest a counselor & perhaps you might find one who can play the mediator for you all. (If your parents would be ok with participating in it, of course. Otherwise... it's a one-on-one which can still help immensely.)
I like this one quote that Bethanny Frankle Hoppy once said: "We're a product of our parents ... unresolved issues." I could not agree more.
I'm learning that our past doesn't define us, but if we allow it to: it can mold us. I'm game for trying to break the mold.
*Like I said... counselling really helps!!
*
Why do you need to tell her anything? Just cut off contact with her. End it. Cold turkey. By talking to her you are giving her power over you. She's not taking anything from you, you're giving it to her.
I really feel for you. Therapy will help - don't put it off. Seriously, you'll feel so much better.
I was really conflicted before cutting my mother out of my life (Jan 2010). And while there are times it's still incredibly painful, I really am SO much happier and healthier. I am so glad I stopped talking to her.
If your grandfather wants to maintain contact, he'll find a way.
74 books read in 2011
I don't understand why you didn't bother calling your aunt who was more like a mother or your completely awesome grandfather on Easter? Sounds like you deserved a guilt trip, I imagine both of their feelings were hurt that you didn't bother with them after all the love they have showed you in your life, but you just didn't like the fact that the guilt trip came from your mom because you know she was right and after your history with her I'm betting her being right grates on your nerves like no other. Sorry but not even calling your aunt or grandfather for Easter, a simple cost-free way to show that you care.... you do kinda sound selfish, although I have no idea what is going on in your life where you couldn't spare a few minutes. Perhaps you have a really good reason.
I agree with PPs that therapy is a great idea. Not knowing all the details, which would be impossible to do in a post, nobody knows what kind of teenager you were to them and your parents sound like they were completely clueless about how to handle you. It's completely unfair of them to put all the blame on you, they were the adults.
Do your parents work? Perhaps, you can contact your GF while they are gone during the day. Frankly, any parent who wants to justify abusing their child isn't really worth having in your life. You've done a LOT on your own and you know you can lead a happy life without them it. Don't see how you can be happy with them in your life.
Passive aggressive people really want to make me snap at them to either stfu or stop beating around the bush. I'd have called her on the crap about you not knowing their side. It wouldn't have made a difference since there is no justification for their behavior, but it would have made me feel better to say bullsh!t.
I'm guessing you've never been abused.
And I didn't see the part where the aunt or GF called OP, either.
74 books read in 2011
You are an ass.
Remind me again why they couldn't have called her?
regarding your grandfather -- maybe you could talk to him about setting up a weekly phone call. like, at 4 pm every sunday, you'll call him or he'll call you. if he knows you're going to be calling, i imagine it would be more difficult for your parents to intercept the call.
does your GF know the history between you and your parents?
I am sorry that you have to deal with this because your awesome grandpa is involved with them. But you can still limit conversations and contact. Have that conversation with your mom, the results can be amazing. To let loose that you didn't deserve that treatment and they could never be justified for that behavior is an amazing feeling. It is like letting go of that mountain you are carrying, if just for an hour or two.
If your mom reacts badly, you should think of talking to your grandpa about how you want to keep contact with him but not your mom. If you call and your mom answers you still have a choice. You could ask for your grandpa, and if your mom refuses unless you have a conversation with her, you can just hang up. Let your mom take to the dial tone if she wants to treat you badly. It takes away all of her control over you. You don't have to talk to her, even if you come over, you can ignore her. If her dramatics get too much for you, you can leave, you can even take grandpa with you to somewhere, removing him from your parents antics. If you don't engage, she loses all power over you.
Don't listen to ABC. She is wrong, not all normal loving families call on minor holidays like Easter. Plenty of people are busy on these minor holidays and don't call either. Love is not measured by things like that. Love is measured by special moments and care, like major holidays and events (Christmas, graduations, births, deaths, and when they need you the most.)
And therapy! Go! Go today! GO GO GO!
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Quite honestly, you're sounding so angry here, I can't really get a good impression of what the story really is. I think you need to find a good therapist and deal with your anger for a few months. Once you have some good tools in place to manage your anger, then make the decision where your parents are concerned. I just don't get the impression I'm hearing the whole story here...
I appreciate all of your support very much. This has always been hard because my friends have always been supportive but haven't really understood what I'm going through. It's hard to understand if you've never experienced it.
ABC, I didn't call on Easter because I honestly forgot that it was Easter. I am an agnostic who is on a diet (so no church and no candy) and we stayed in town because our puppy had to have surgery, so the day didn't register. Beyond that, I've been left with a lot of guilt issues so I worry that my aunt and my grandfather now hate me for not calling (counseling- I know) and it makes me scared to call. Besides, my parents live with my Granddaddy (and my Aunt would have been with all of them all day) and I've been depressed lately and couldn't have dealt with it anyway.
I understand how it would seem selfish and how someone on the outside would want to give my parents the benefit of the doubt, but I was the kind of teenager who (without being asked) gave my older brother my bedroom and moved in with my little brother with special needs because my older brother hated it so much. I wasn't perfect- I didn't stand there stoically the whole time they yelled, I would start giving it back eventually. But I wasn't the b!tch I was painted to be.
FMIL, no, my parents don't work. My dad is on disability and my mom quit her job and has decided to live off of the student loans she gets because she's a student at a community college near her. That is actually the plan she has for the rest of her life; stay a student and live off of loans.
Granddaddy doesn't know all of the history. He knows that Mom wasn't good to me and he knows that she's... dramatic, to say the least. But, he's 89 and I don't really want to tell him the details. He knows that she treated me very poorly and he doesn't really like her either.
I have asked my friend the psychologist to look through the list of psychologists covered by my insurance with me. She'll tell me which ones she's heard good things about and which ones won't know who I'm talking about when I mention her unusual name in therapy (because she's sure to come up at some point). I'm actually really looking forward to this; I've always really enjoyed therapy. I've just had some block about getting back into it for some reason.
Thank you guys again. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.