Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
*UPDATE* to Am I Wrong?
So, after speaking with a Lawyer, and after much debate (with myself), I decided to let DD spend wknd with ExBF and his new GF (whom he lives with) I met EX, DD & new GF @ Mall food court. (& i felt sick all wknd!)
I had talk with new GF & did give major info about DD's allergies, etc. Met them today to pick up DD & it got worse. After putting DD in car, new gf proceeds to go to passenger side, take DD out of car and say "Dont you think you owe me a hug? You owe me a hug for what i did for you this weekend". Then had to add... "Be good for her (pointing to me) & mommy will ttyl". When I asked WTH, she said "I have rules in my house. When DD is with me, she is to call me mommy".(this just pissed me off!!) Now, this was first meeting of DD & new GF. (new gf only been in pic for one month)
So am I overreacting to be so upset? Has anyone ever gone thru this? I'm stumped!
Re: *UPDATE* to Am I Wrong?
I questioned her (she is only six) about what they did & asked Ex what time she went to bed, where she slept... i documented this tonight b/c she was not in bed before midnite both nights & after hearing "daddy let me have dr pepper & cotton candy". (after i asked him not to give her sweets in excess!!)
Wow! I am totally in shock right now. I am a step-mom. We have talked to the kids that they have a great mom and they can call me by my name. I am totally shocked that she would demand her to call her mom. Totally unacceptable. I would make sure to document everything. I would talk to the ex and tell him that the things that happened are inappropriate. I am sorry that you and your daughter are having to deal with this.
Did speak with EX (did i ever!) & informed him i was very upset about it. He just laughed and said i was being ridiculous. So I asked how he would feel if my bf wanted DD to call him 'daddy'... he didn't say a word!
As a step-mother, I am horrified and the "mommy" part.
As a human, I am horrified at the "hug me for what I did for you this weekend" part. That is just revolting. Unless GF gave her a freaking kidney, she has no right to demand displays of affection from the child. And I were dating a person who said such a thing to my child, I would seriously rethink the relationship.
But I would be careful about how you probe her about the activities at dad's house. She may feel like she has to give you a false picture in order to make you feel better. The reality may not be as bad.
I am going to give you the Mommy thing. I am a Step-Mother and I am the biggest opponent of Stepparents being given the Mom/Mommy/Mother/Dad/Daddy/Father monikers.
I would ensure that you deal with that when you finalize your visitation orders.
HOWEVER, you CANNOT dictate how one parent parents, as long as the actions are not HARMFUL. Staying up till midnight or eating candy on weekend visitation with dad is no different than spending time with many grandparents.
Its neither physically harmful to the child in the long run, nor emotionally harmful.
Fathers with weekend visits tend to run towards the "holiday" feel given they only have a short time to interact with their child(ren). Once you recognize it and learn to WORK with it, your situation will be better.
1. Therapy is always a good idea in a divorce no matter how much the child seems ok.
2. You can document all you want but there isnt a court in hell that will dismiss visitation because he gave her soda and cotton candy.
3. Same goes for the call me mommy thing. So, you can document all you want unless they are neglecting or physically abusing her it wont work. Im not saying you shouldnt be pissed or upset but the courts wont do anything about it.
4. Dont start playing the what did you do, what did they say, what itme did you go to bed, what did you eat game with your DD. You are putting her in the middle, the worst thing you should do.
5. Get yourself some counseling as well.
It is true that you definitely need to get her into therapy but don't go into it planning that the therapist will go into court as an advocate for you. In fact, please don't do that. A good therapist should be there for your daughter, not there for you in a fight against your ex. If you did bring a therapist into court, many probably wouldn't even say anything about your ex's parenting. A close friend of mine is a therapist and she's constantly telling me how frustrating it is for her when patients' parents drag her into court and ask her to testify who is the better parent. She says that she has to tell them that she can only testify on what she saw in therapy; she didn't see them parent and even if she did, she's not an expert on parenting and she can't testify on who is better at it.
And, OP, wow. That was really messed up. I can't believe the GF did that.
I spoke with DD's doctor today to help find therapist. (she and I talked about it last week) I look at the therapist as someone who can help my daughter understand things i cant and be someone DD can talk to about what she feels.
There has been a lot more going on in almost year that has made me document. Places he has slept with her, letting her sleep in bed with his (past) gf, smoking in same room as her (to the point she needed breathing treatments, never had one before) & allowing her to eat something she is highly allergic to. (even though i wrote down what she is allergic to) Just has me worried and concerned...
The eating sweets and staying up late are just part of the deal one has to get used to after a split. If you two were on the same page I assume there wouldn't have been causation for a split in the first place. While it *would* bug the beejeesus out of me, there wouldn't be anything for me to do about it. Same goes for where the kid sleeps and if there is smoking...unless something frightful happens to the kid, legal isn't really going to be an avenue for you to take. Again, those things would bug me, even keep me up at night, but there wouldn't be anything I could do other than to immediately take her to a physician should she really have a reaction. Document what she's allergic to - as in certified letter cc'ing the physician. I would want something more than a Dear Diary that he had been informed should she end up in the hospital.
The "mommy" thing is definitely alienation, and I hope you've put a retainer on your lawyer to take care of issues like this.
Honestly, your best bet in taking care of your child with a hostile or neglectful ex is to bite back your personal feelings and strategically begin to loose small skirmishes to win the battle. My brother had to do this with his ex and her wackado on/off again boyfriend (now husband). It is not ever going to be the ideal, but it keeps the kid from being used as a tool by the less caring parents.
Edited to add: next time you put your child in the car, lock the car door until you, too, are in the car. This will at least highlight the boundary of "you're in charge" time. I'm sorry this is happening, and legally, you have to let him see the kid.
Crap. I didn't even look into past history. No wonder things are so screwy for this child. I can't believe the candy and late nights are even on her radar given this.
OP, both of you need to have a counselor/therapist. I don't say this to be mean, but if you don't get some sense of why you pick men the way you do (or was the ex an ex because of the affair? no need to answer, just consider how it plays) you're going to be dragging your little girl through some major stink she doesn't deserve. I had a friend grow up like that and things did not end well.
Yes, that is parental alientation.
Do you have a lawyer yet?
As of today, do have a lawyer. Did say to keep 'journal' of when he picks her up, drops her off, if he says anything he really shouldn't, how she comes home (if she is dirty, cries she is hungry) Said that will show his visitation, in case he tries to claim i never let him have her.
I do not mind answering... he is not an ex due to affair. He is an ex b/c we could not get along (for many years) & he became abusive (physically & mentally). This did not start until he began to hang around old drinking buddies and ex wife. And so, DD & i are going to speak with someone, along with starting in church again.