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In Law advice needed-long
Sorry this is gonna be a long one.
Yesterday while at work my DH calls me and says "Me and DD were at my Mom's, DD had something in her mouth and now my Mom is missing her blood pressure pill". My first thought was WTF are you kidding me? Basically what happened was at 230 he was over there and DD was sitting on their den floor. DH noticed she was chewing so he finger swiped her mouth and didn't find anything. So he didn't think anything of it. He came home and 3 hours later his mom showed up asking DH how DD was feeling. Then she told DH DD may have ate one of her "stomach pills". After being over for what DH said an hour she finally started bawling saying they needed to call poison control because she was really missing her BP pill which she searched for 2 hours for at home and couldn't find. She told DH prior to him coming over she was taking pills in the den and knows she dropped one but couldn't find it. So of course DH calls me at work I start freaking out. Ultimately DD is fine after spending the night in the ER.
So I guess I just don't know how to tell DH that DD is no longer allowed to go to IL's without me present. Seriously MIL has seen DD 6 times in 10 months and the 6th time she could have died. I guess I just wonder how you would feel about this situation and if I am being irrational? tia!
Re: In Law advice needed-long
First off - I'm glad she's OK - I cannot imagine how terrified you were.
As far as not letting DD see your MIL without you there...I guess it depends on many things. Is this the first time your MIL has had something like this happen while your DD is there?
I know it was scary but it was an accident and she was concerned enough to make sure proper action was taken just in case.
Now if she's always doing stuff like this or making sure her house isn't child friendly I can see needing to be present when visiting.
Accidents happen. Who is to say that this wouldn't have happened if you were there? I am glad that your DD is okay, and I would be really upset too. But I'm not sure saying she can't go over there without you is a solution.
I think the bigger issue is that MIL first lied about that pill she was missing, and it took so long for her to contact your DH about the missing pill.
You might want to address where pills are taken in the house, etc in the future before you guys come over, but not allowing her there wouldn't really solve anything.
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I don't get along with my MIL, so she is only allowed supervised visits at my house or my parents house. And I personally have mini panic attacks when she holds him, so basically, I am saying I am not the best to ask for advice on this one
I would freak out and be pissed too, being she took her sweetass time and beating around the bush just to say that she may have taken a pill. I would be less bitchy, if she was up front and honest first.
ETA: I didn't see the part where you said you have to be present. I think DH can take DD over there without you. you don't want to make him feel like a bad parent, and ruin his confidence in his abilities as a dad.
Kristin, I can't even imagine how scary that must have been for you. I'm glad Alexa is ok!
I do think you are being a bit irrational. I can understand you not wanting her left alone with your IL's, but not allowing your DH to take her over there without you is a bit extreme. Let's be honest here, we all know how these kids put EVERYTHING in their mouths. It could have happened even if you were over there. That doesn't mean you or your DH are bad parent's at all, it just means these kids are quick and can give you a heart attack (or 2!). I'm sure your DH feels bad about it, but I do think he's capable of taking care of Alexa without you there at your IL's. Maybe just remind him to look around on the floor for anything small that she could put in her mouth.
BFP#2: 8/14/11 M/C 8/30/11 6w1d
BFP #3: 10/26/11
Beta #1 @11dpo: 22 Beta #2 @13dpo: 90 Beta #3 @17dpo: 480
Missed m/c 12w3d 12/28/11, d&c 12/30/11
dx Homozygous C677T MTHFR
I know accidents can happen which is why I know I am being slightly irrational. But my nephews lived with her (all under 3) for the last three years and they constantly were in the ER for issues related to safety. And I am happy that MIL wants to finally spend time with DD but I am super pissed she lied. DD actually was really sick and I feel like MIL was irresponsible.
wow, how scary!
i'm confused though, your DH was there at the time it happened right?
saying that DD can't go over there without you seems like it could be very insulting to your DH as a father more then to your MIL.
i'm glad she is okay.
Based on this, I think your DH needs to have a talk with her. I think it's great she wants to see her, but maybe for a while she can come to your house? I agree with PP, lying about the pill was not only out of line but DANGEROUS. Good luck with the situation. I hope you can find a solution!
BFP#2: 8/14/11 M/C 8/30/11 6w1d
BFP #3: 10/26/11
Beta #1 @11dpo: 22 Beta #2 @13dpo: 90 Beta #3 @17dpo: 480
Missed m/c 12w3d 12/28/11, d&c 12/30/11
dx Homozygous C677T MTHFR
I know I am being irrational. And I don't want to undermine DH at all. I just am super pissed and don't know how to address MIL or DH. I guess I just need time first before doing anything. Thanks everyone.
I would be SUPER pissed that she lied, I am definitely not discounting your feelings. I'm just not sure that saying she isn't allowed over there without you is going to really 'solve' anything. A serious safety discussion needs to happen, and it sounds like more than just your DD will benefit. That is really scary and not something that can just be ignored.
First, I'm glad that your DD is ok.
To address your question -- first, I would need to know if your MIL has a history of carelessness? If so, then maybe your reaction is normal. If not, though, then I think you might be overreacting a little. I understand that this could potentially been a huge disaster, but it sounds like it was a simple mistake and she forgot about the pill. She should have warned your DH that she dropped a pill on the floor before allowing your DD to crawl around down there. But if she's normally more vigilant about this stuff, then maybe issue her a warning that she really needs to be more careful. If there is a history of her being neglectful, then for sure I would want to be there for all future visits!
I agree w/ jess. If you say that he can't be the one to supervise your daughter, it can't be possibly end well. I can completely see bringing up that she shouldn't be over there without you or your DH, but saying you must be there at all times is a bit much.
I am also worried because MIL is supposed to watch DD tuesday for 10 hours when I work because my mom (our daycare) is on vacation. She's coming to our house but I am still afraid.
As in tomorrow or next Tuesday?
I would have a talk with her (with DH by your side) before this happens. I'm sure your MIL is just as upset as you and DH are and probably very nervous about your opinion of her. I'm hoping she'll be extra careful with DD now to make up for her careless mistake.
yep, tuesday as in tomorrow. I know I am irrational but this is my kid. And she went through alot in the ER because of an adults mistake. And ultimately it was a mistake that could have killed her. I am at a loss...not really sure what to do
Yikes! Tomorrow is soon. I would for sure be freaking out about that too. Is there ANY alternative to MIL tomorrow? It would just be too soon for me to feel comfortable with hat whole thing.
Were they able to tell in the ER if your DD had, in fact, taken the pill? Is she feeling better today?
yep tomorrow! and i dont want to call into work because I need time for maternity leave in september.
They aren't sure if she took the pill but because MIL takes alot of pills and couldn't be sure which pill she dropped DD got the whole 9 yards. MIL takes BP and blood thinners and aspirin etc. DD was not acting right when I finally saw her, her BP was low and her heart rate was low too. After a few hours she started getting better but prob because it was 6pm when she finally came to my work. It had been since 2 something when she could have ate the pill.
She is fine today. woke up happy and like herself thank god!
yep tomorrow! and i dont want to call into work because I need time for maternity leave in september.
They aren't sure if she took the pill but because MIL takes alot of pills and couldn't be sure which pill she dropped DD got the whole 9 yards. MIL takes BP and blood thinners and aspirin etc. DD was not acting right when I finally saw her, her BP was low and her heart rate was low too. After a few hours she started getting better but prob because it was 6pm when she finally came to my work. It had been since 2 something when she could have ate the pill.
She is fine today. woke up happy and like herself thank god!
Do what you feel comfortable doing tomorrow - if having MIL watch DD isn't it then do what your heart is telling you to do. I'm sure MIL knows she's "in trouble" with you right now, as would anyone.
Can DH take time off?
OMG! Kristin..I am so glad she's okay! That's so scary! I would've been furious about her carelessness and that she lied about the pill. I think a discussion is definitely necessary before tomorrow. I've dropped pills before, and I make sure that I find it because I don't want my dogs to eat it. If I can't find it, I ask DH for help. She should've alerted your DH as soon as he got there.
I think a lot of ladies gave good advice regarding future visits. The best advice I can give is to ask her questions. I find that is the best way to get someone to commit to making things better.
Why didn't she tell him that there is a missing pill? Why wasn't she upfront? Does she fully understand what could've happened? You have every reason to be upset and address this with her. I don't think you need to be nice about it either.,,,just try to stay calm so that she actually hears you.
:big hugs: Kris....I can only imagine how frightening the whole experience was and how upset you must be.