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Advice Needed.Help!
Hi Girls.. I have a bit of an issue, and I need some advice or feedback or anything!
DH and I are currently not talking since Friday. My best friend is getting married and her Bachelorette Party is this Friday night. Her sister organized it really quickly and found that the Chippendales are performing at a local casino. The plan for the night is the limo to the show, then after the club is bar/ or club. DH and best friend have not always had the best relationship. DH is against the club scene, so I stopped going many years ago which of course caused a drift in friendship because best friend would still go clubbing. Anyway fast foward to now, and he does not want me going to party because he is not okay with the show. I know that if I do not go that my best friend will never talk to me again-and she will know that it is because of him not wanting me to go, or she will not talk to me for a long time.So DH and I had a huge fight, and have not spoken in since Friday. Is he over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Is there a way that I can get him to understand!! HELP!!
Re: Advice Needed.Help!
The issue is... she will, b/c we have had other outings before and I bailed out on them b/c he did not want me going and she was pissed at me and pissed at him for asking me not to go. Do I really just let a friendship go down the drain?
Other than the fact that he doesn't like her, have you talked about WHY he has an issue with you going to the show? To me, it seems like an issue of trust.
The thing that he needs to remember is that these kinds of things are tit for tat. So if he doesn't want you going, ok, but he can't go to a strip club when one of his friends has his bachelor party. Granted, the marriage must come first, and when your friend is married, she'll understand that, but the bigger issue for me is the trust issue.
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this.
j
agree with pp here.
Also, i understand him not wanting you to go to the show, i dont really like DH doing that stuff either because those things just make me uncomfortable, for any sex. Its not like i think he's going to cheat on me or something stupid like that.
Can you skip the show and just go the club/bar w/ everyone afterwards? I think compromising on that part is not a big deal, especially since it is clearly making your husband uncomfortable.
And i think your friend coudl deal w/ you not doing that part. Honestly, if she was really a true friend, she would be completely understanding and not be a jerk if you didnt come to any of it! She does not sound like a very good friend to me.
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Sorry, I know that was a TON of questions but I'm trying to understand. I agree that it sounds like a trust issue on his part. When you say that your friend and your husband haven't had a great relationship in the past is it because of something she has done? Its hard to really give feedback about if he's overreacting without knowing more background.
For me personally, it would take an awful lot for me to skip this party or repeatedly cancel with my best friend because my husband didn't like her, and I'd want to know WHY he didn't want me spending time with her. I also agree with the previous poster that bachelorette parties are when you maybe go to bars or events you wouldn't normally. I recently threw my BFF's b-party and it was at several clubs I wouldn't ever go to except that that was what she wanted.
? ?????????! Z!
BFP #1 EDD 12/14/12, C/P 4/9
dx: DOR
Clomid + trigger + IUI #2
Everyone welcome.
First off, I am sorry you are in this position. I agree with pretty much what everyone else has said. Have you tried explaining to him that you aren't going b/c you want to gawk at other guys, but rather because you want to be a part of your BF's special night? Have you talked to your BF and told her that DH doesn't want you to go to see how mad she would be? I agree with PP that if it's going to be that big of an issue with DH maybe you could compromise with him and just meet up with everyone for the club/bar portion of the night. I would hope he would at least be willing to compromise b/c I definitely don't think you are in the wrong for wanting to go to your BF's bachelorette. I really hope this works out for you. GL and keep us posted.
Thanks Girls for your info and your advice! Right after I wrote this DH came home and stomped around the house cleaning for a bit (I am suprised he was cleaning), and then he finally said something to me about the situation. I wrote him a letter about my thoughts a few hours ago (while I was calm and thinking.. instead of fighting and making things worse) and then I read him the letter calmly and we talked it out peacefully.
To whoever said it was Tit-for Tat.. DH is not one to go to strip clubs and never goes, not even for bachelor parties (I would be okay with him going if it was a friends b-party, but he-himself does not want to go)
He explained that is not telling me I can not go...he understands how much it means to me, but he is still not okay on the show, and would like me home at a decent time and not 4 or 5 am. We did talk about me driving to meet them after the show but he does not want me driving 1.5 hours home in the middle of the night after I have had a few drinks (this is where he would prefer me to go in the limo), and he does not want me to take the limo and sit the in casino while everyone else is in the show( b/c that is dangerous). So we still have not reached a compromise, But we understand each others argument and are done arguing and just have to wait for me to find out the final details of the evening, before we make our final decision of me going to all, or driving to meet them.
Thanks so much girls for your advice! I think it really helped to write a letter and read it- it helped me stay calm and have me say something that was well thought out. On the plus side I now have a CLEAN house, and a husband who just expressed how much he loves and cares for me, and wants be to be safe
I'm glad you and DH have had a chat about your feelings. Can DH get a hotel room in the town where the party is and you go there afterward? You would have a mini vacation (meeting DH while the others girls go to the show).
And I'm going to be a voice on the other side. If your Best Friend can't understand that your hubby is uncomfortable with the situation and "won't forgive you" then I question her true friendship. While it may stink that you aren't going to the chippendales show, I would hope that she values ALL of the wonderful qualities you bring to the friendship and NOT just you being there for her bachelorette party. At the end of the night, it's just that. One night in a lifetime.
Is the party in the town where your best friend lives? Could you possibly stay there overnight instead of driving home?
? ?????????! Z!
BFP #1 EDD 12/14/12, C/P 4/9
dx: DOR
Clomid + trigger + IUI #2
Everyone welcome.
This.
That is a very touchy situation. I wouldn't say that either one of you is wrong for feeling the way you do.
First off, I would try to look at it from the other side. How would you feel if it were the other way around? If your husband was invited to his best friend's bachelors party where part of the night was going to be spent at a strip club. Would you want him to go? Why or why not? Trying this may be able to help you see it from his perspective.
I would also see if there was some way the two of you could compromise. He obviously isn't comfortable with the Chippendales (if I read your post correctly) and doesn't like the idea of a club. What if you were to meet your best friend at the bar/club after the Chippendale show? That way, you are there to support her, but you aren't seeing the show. You would still be at a club scene for part of the night, but at least it wouldn't be such a provacative club.
I think that the best way to find a solution is for you to stay calm and rational. Try looking at it from all angles and talking about it with your husband. Good luck!! I hope you two can find some sort of compromise!!
Haha, so after writing my long response, I read through the other responses and had more thoughts.
First off, I'm glad that you and your husband talked and are able to understand each other a bit more! That's awesome
Second, Sarah has a great idea. I was thinking that maybe your DH could come drive you home so you don't have to drive home after a few drinks, but maybe you two staying at a hotel for the night is an even better idea!
And I agree with what she says about your friend.