Family Matters
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How do you cope? (For those who no longer speak to their mothers)
How do you cope on Mother's Day?
I don't have any children and I just recently put distance between me and my mother (previous post explains details). But I'm stressing myself out, I feel obligated to acknowledge Mother's Day, but I don't want to, and I worry how the day will go.
Re: How do you cope? (For those who no longer speak to their mothers)
Do you feel obligated to your mother or to yourself to acknowledge the day? I speak with my mother, but we don't have much of a relationship. Our contact is limited and I do acknowledge the day - with a card (which is SO hard to find because most say - You're a great mom, I love you, etc. and they don't represent our relationship at all) and a quick phone call. I find it makes the day go easier for me if I admit what our relationship is and accept it for that. I stay true to myself and not be fake for her sake.
Overall it's usually a pretty disappointing day for me, but I've learned to tolerate it.
I'm not sure where the feeling of obligation comes from. It might be guilt, I was raised primarily on guilt trips and its been a constant battle to over come the feeling that I've done nothing wrong.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
Ditto this whole thing, especially the bolded. They need to have like "strained relationship" sections. This year, I found a card that basically said "hope you have a wonderful day."
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
I am in the same situation. My mother and I do not speak but, biologically, she is my mother so I also feel like I should do something.
I send her a card (she doesn't live in the states), which pretty much means nothing to her. I make dinner and my mother-in-law comes over, who is a wonderful "mom" and I have my children there.
Mother's Day is so commercialized that we do often feel guilted into having to do something. To give you advice and take my own advice, do we acknowledge our mothers at any other time of the year? Probably not, so why do we feel we need to acknowledge them on Mother's Day?
Thats very sweet of your DH!
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
My mother left me in the hospital when I was two days old. She then re-appeared when I was around 5 months old then gone till I was 3 years old for a few months then gone till I was 8 years old then left until I was 12 years old. At this time I asked her to please stay away because she is a harmful person. I saw her at my high school graduation party and then my brother's first wedding when I 20. I just turned 30. It has been extremely difficult growing up without a mother. I have found some mother like figures but Mother's Day is rather difficult.
I cope by focusing on the positive and not getting lost in the guilt. I realize that my mother made her choices for whatever reason. My life is the way it is and it has been my choice to move forward. When I was younger I would make a card and then mail it to the wrong address with no return address. It was my way of not standing out in school and still feeling like I did what I was suppose to do. Over the last few years I have focused on just spending time with my great girlfriends. We do a Mother's Day breakfast together and have a blast. I believe that you need to find what makes you comfortable and happy and go with it.
I keep my memories of the things that have happened in my life and use them as strength to be a strong and better mother in the future.
I would swear I wrote this.
I have not spoken to my mother in over a year. And I did nothing wrong!! And in my eyes, I will be fine never speaking to her again.
I also feel obligated to send her a card. But I also look at it this way. Mother's Day is a day for women that actually act like mothers. And in my eyes, my mother doesn't deserve the stamp for the envelope.
It may be difficult, but you will get over it. And maybe it will be a message to her!
Good luck - and I am sorry you are going through this.
You do not have to feel guilty. I didn't read your other post - but you do not have to feel like calling her or subjecting yourself to anything if you don't want to.
I stopped talking to my mother in January 2010. Her birthday is February and Mother's Day is obv May. Both were difficult, but I ignored them both. My dad and sisters tried to make me feel bad about it - but I have my reasons and they had no place to try and trample my feelings for "should"s.
74 books read in 2011
This.
I feel the same way about Mother's Day. And Father's Day. And their birthdays. My guilt definitely comes from guilt trips I've been given and to make it worse, they are still giving me guilt trips. On Mother's Day my father is going to call me, email me, Facebok me, and text me telling me to call or at least text my mom because "*random guilt things*".
I've learned to deal with it by ignoring them and contacting people who have actually filled maternal and paternal roles in my life. I lived with a high school friend's family for a long time, so I call her parents. We'll call DH's Mom, who I love. I'll send a card to my aunt who was always there for me. I just try to remind myself that even though I don't have a "mother" I have people who love me like a mom, which is really the important part.
Thank you all, it really helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this. Sometimes when I'm stuck in my own head I think I'm the bad guy, how could I just cut the woman who gave birth to me and raised me out of my life, and then I remember why I made the choice and all the damage that was caused over the years. I think the whole reason I'm so worked up about Mother's Day is because I'm expecting a guilt trip from my dad and a confrontation from my mom. So in a way I think the anticipation of whats to come is making things worse. For her birthday nothing was said to me, so maybe nothing will be said again. But I worry...
Right now my plan is to enjoy my one day off, but catching up on housework (I know weird) and gardening. I think I'll turn my phone off as well. Thanks again to all of you!
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
Very well put. And you are completely correct.
I go take flowers to my grandmas grave.
i am very close to my dad so i do something for him because he is an amazing parent and played both mother and father so he should be rewarded at both special days.