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After 8 years why can't he move on?
This is quite the mess.
My brother started to see Jan 8 years ago. He had her move in with her; they got engaged and the engagement was ended by Jan because she found out he was cheating. (Went on right under her nose; he'd blatantly call the other person with her standing right there).
She ended the engagement; she moved out. That ws at the end of 2004.
The relationship apparently is still going on. He's cosigned another car loan for her (I warned him not to mix an engagement and business; he did it anyway -- and he did it again about 3 years ago!) and I also have a basement full of her junk (He's managed to bring her stuff in in while I am not home; I confronted him and told him to get her junk out of the basement and wow, does he get mad. Why do I need a basement full of her items?).
Why can't he seem to move on?
He also has her dog (he got saddled with the dogl when she decided she didn't want the dog anymore -- I also think he is more or less "Keeping" the dog for her -- he takes the dog to her vet and her groomer; he admitted that she pays for the upkeep of the dog...how cockamamie is this, really? Either the dog is yours or not)
A car that belonged to her dad is now "his." He told me that all he paid for was the fee to ship it to him but no way do I believe that one. I can imagine what else is involved. My guess is he's probably paying her monthly for the vehicle. Whatever it is, something crazy is involved, as usual.
During the time they were together, she treated him rather ignobly (orders to him that he can put up his Christmas tree after Chaunukkah was over!) and that doesn't seem to matter to him. He should have taken a powder when she came out with that zinger. Who needs to be insulted, right?
He just can't seem to let go. Is this person going to be around forever?
I don't get this; he is dating a couple of other people but Jan seems to stay in the rotation.
He's got a history of this --- a very long time ago, he was in a very rocky on and off relationship that went on for over 6 years. She broke it off finally and that was the end.
Is she going to be around forever? Apparently. Why is it that some people simply can't move on once a relationship is supposed to be over?
Re: After 8 years why can't he move on?
I don't see how any of this is any of your concern except her stuff in your basement. Call her, tell her she has thirty days to come get it or you're putting it out at the curb, and then do so if she does not come get it. This is entirely your fault for allowing her stuff to stay there.
I agree that it's not really your business, but could he still be holding on because he feels guilty that he hurt her? Are there any other things that he can't let go of in his life? Maybe he has some issues from the past that are showing up or embodied in his relationship with Jan that he is unable to let go of because he hasn't dealt with them and in turn can't let go of her?
Just speaking from personal experience. I had a tough time letting go of my first boyfriend and we were in a terrible relationship. To me (now) he represented my dad because they are very very similar. I found a boyfriend I could be mad at instead of being mad at my dad - if that makes sense. Until I learned to let go (still working on that) of the anger I feel towards my father, I won't be able to let that first boyfriend really go either. He is wrapped up in so many issues that I ignored for a long time so while I don't speak with this old boyfriend, I constantly find myself struggling with the idea of him because of what he represents - not who he is as a person.
Very convoluted, but I hope that makes sense?
I find her stuff yesterday. I'm trying to get stuff out of there --- not have more stuff brought in.
Apparently the relationship is not over.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
They didn't want to get married, it doesn't mean they want to stop having sex together.
So, I guess the stuff is staying in your basement until your brother doesn't get mad about moving it, right?
I don't know how old your brother is (or how immature) but I feel like this kind of not being able to let go and move on thing is pretty common among younger adults.
When I think back to the years spanning college and a few years after college, it seems like everyone I knew (self included) had at least one relationship like this that just went on... and on... and on, for much longer than it should have. For some reason, it's just hard to sort out leaving a relationship that's been a big part of your adult life when your adult life has not lasted very long!
The fact that he's had one of these that lasted 8 years and another one that lasted 6 years before that tells me that your brother is kind of stuck in that young adult stage. Does he display this kind of immaturity in other areas (keeping a job, paying bills, etc.?)
Finally, I agree with Sue_sue that there's nothing for you to do in this situation other than tell your brother's off-again-on-again to get her stuff out of your basement.
How is your brother entering your home without your knowledge or permission? That's the biggest red flag in this story as far as I'm concerned!
Call your brother and tell him you are putting Jan's stuff on the curb for trash day, and he can come pick it up, or it can go to the town dump. If he gets angry at you, he gets angry - - he has crossed a major boundry by assuming that your space is his, and I wouldn't allow that to happen.
You sound like as much of a pleaser as your brother is. Work on your own issues and let your brother handle himself (or not).
We co own a home. He has the top floor and I have the bottom of a 2 family home.
Well, then I take the pleaser part back! I'm not sure what you can do.
Do you and he have any house rules? Such as being able to sell but giving the other first rights to a bid? Who is in charge of chores? Maybe add what can be stored to the list.
If there is too much of Jan's stuff for you to store your own things, I think you can talk to him and tell him it is not working - - her things need to be in a storage shed.