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I'm thinking of legal seperation.....
How would you handle this?
Well DH and I have been married for almost 3 years, and we have been having issues with his parents interfering in our marriage. However, I have reason to believe that DH maybe behind all of this, because he tells me one thing and I feel that he tells his parents the total opposite. I catch him saying certain things that leads me to believe that he tells his parents personal things that he his not happy within our relationship, and on the other hand he tells me he is fine and that he loves our life together.
I truly feel that my MIL is still a noisy lady and crosses the line sometimes, but I also feel that DH maybe influencing her to feel the way that she does, and maybe she feels that she is looking out for her son.
I really don't know what to do, because when confronted about it he trys to reverse it and make it seem like I'm blaming him for everything, he will not accept responsibility for this behavior. I feel that it is very immature for him to act this way.
I also feel betrayed because I feel he is the reason why his mother always comes to me with issues, because he runs to them as if everything is my fault. I know this because he doesn't vouch for me when his mother goes on the deep end. I don't feel protected, and it has gotten to the point that I don't know what he has told his parents and maybe they have a reason for treating me certain ways because of the things he may have said to them. I can 't trust him anymore. I have always been loyal to him, because I keep our personal disputes between us, and I don't involve my family; however I just recently confided with my sister because I needed someone to talk to about some things that I have been going through, and she is really upset about all of this.
What should I do? I'm really contemplating on moving out. I'm not sure that things will ever get better.
Re: I'm thinking of legal seperation.....
I think you have some pretty valid feelings here and I too would be upset in your situation. Have you tried speaking to him about this? Although it's probably a long shot that he could changed if this is how he has always been.
I had a fiance that sounds just like your husband. He told his mother everything personal about me and us and I felt like she was a part of our relationship. I tried to express to him how I felt, but pleasing her was more important to him than having a relationship with me. In the end I left and am glad I did. I wanted a man who could be my partner and who could talk to me about his feelings and not share personal information with anyone else outside of our relationship.
Have you thought about counseling for yourself? This might help you make a decision and also figure out why you were attracted to a man like this in the first place.
I didn't realize he was like this until I started to pay attention to little things that he would do...The way that I feel right now is that doesn't care how I feel and that the issues that I'm having is my problem...because he made a comment asking me quote "Do you want me to talk with my mother? I'm just trying to help "you" out""
I took that as if he feels that he is not affected by none of whats going on, and that everything is my problem alone!!!!!
He is just 2 faced simple as that....
I get the impression that he's going to be completely shocked when you walk out. You are completely blaming him for the demise of your relationship, lack of trust and feelings of betrayl. He may very well deserve it. But does he know how you feel? At all? Its all well and good for him to play the victim and take no responsibility for his actions/role - but does he realize you are about to walk out on him for it? Because you posted "he tells me he is fine and that he loves our life together." YOU don't love your life together. You're at rock bottom and I don't think he has a clue.
So, I would recommend two things:
1- Secure an attorney to protect your finacial assests. Get your ducks in a row so you know what papers you have to collect, what to expect from a separation/divorce and what it will cost you.
2- Tell your DH that you are miserable and are seriously planning to walk out unless things change. Then tell him what needs to change. Then start doing what YOU can to make those changes.
Then see how it goes and if you still want a separation.
Oh he does have a clue. I express to him all the time that about how I feel...the fact is that he expresses to me how he feels and then tells his family something totally different when we have our marital disputes...He knows how I feel, but he doesn't think that what he is doing is wrong, because what I'm going through is not directly affecting him. I have told him that I'm going to leave him because of this before, and I stayed thinking that things would get better....but they have not. He is not oblivious to what is going on...he is fully aware of the manipulation he is putting me through...he is just trying to play victim on both ends....
Sounds like it's time to back up your threat with action.
Have you suggested counseling to him?
Sounds like he's called your bluff. Why should it get any better if there are no consequences for his actions?
We have gone through counseling before, and I just don't think he gets how serious this is.
Oh, then you should probably not waste any more of your life waiting around for him to figure out how to be a decent partner. Sorry this is happening to you.
He will when you walk out. You need a lawyer and a really good plan to separate. Change the conversation. Say I want to separate, how do you want to do it?
Do you think he'll fight you on it or be relieved?
I kinda wonder how the counseling went with him before; did it help at all? But mainly, I think he's pushing you to the brink so you'll leave him and he can play the victim in his own mind and to his family, who's he's been prepping for this.
TTC #1 since Oct. 2010. Tests normal.
jbelle
One thing that comes to mind is that you can't control your ILS or your fi, you can only control yourself. So don't bother seeing your ILS or talking to your MIL if you are angry that your fi shares all of your personal business.
But ultimately, that means you're going to have to stop sharing information with your H, and if you can't do that, there's no point of remaining married.
Were there issues with his mother before you got married? And i agree with pp, you are resenting him, not trusting him with his words, and imo, it would be over for me. The one thing i would question is, do you know everything he tells your MIL? Is it just ranting about you or does he bad mouth you to MIL?
Once trust is over, there is no going back. Trust will always be an issue. Get counseling and do what you said...move out. Maybe then, he will see that you were truly hurt by his words.
I agree! I don't think that he is fully committed to his family...he cares more about what his mother thinks than what I think...obviously. I feel that he is playing us againist each other so that he can be the victim and not have to be forced to make decisions or take responsibility...he is a coward in my opinion!