Sex & Romance
MandyGal
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help with having a nice guy
Here's the back story. My boyfriend is a very nice,
good-hearted, respectful guy, not aggressive in the least. The problem is
that he only had sex with one other girl before me, and not very many times, so
most of his experience has been with me. We've been living together for 5
1/2 years, so we're past the honeymoon phase, which is fine! I just want
him to be more aggressive in bed! I've told him that, but he gets a
little miffed that he's "not pleasing me". I've also told him
I'd love to be woken up in the middle of the night for sex, but that makes him
feel weird or creepy or something. Sweet love-making is nice, but not all
the time!! I want to be thrown around and roughed up once in a while!!
:-) How do I get him to be more aggressive without being offensive and making
him feel inadequate?
Re: Help with having a nice guy
Being a nice guy doesn't mean that you can't be crazy in bed, that you can't explore some fantasies. I really don't think anyone wants a guy that acts like he does in the sack during a dinner party. I think your H needs to realize that these are different things.
Maybe you can start off small. Have you guys talked about fantasies? some night when you're not having sex, just ask him if he has any fantasies, if he'd ever want to try anything and then share yours. Getting him just thinking about it I would think should be number one. Then start small maybe tell him to hold your hands down when he's on top, or wake HIM up in the middle of the night (to show him what it is your thinking).
I'm seeing a theme here: you're DH isn't quite comfortable in bed, which given his lack of experience is completely normal. It's also completely normal for your tastes to change as you get older.
I've been in your DH's shoes, in that I wasn't comfortable sharing my fantasies out loud with him and I also didn't want to scare him. So, I wrote them down instead and I told him he could read it when he wanted. He gave me one too. We've had great fun crossing stuff off those lists.
It could also be that he never really has thought about what he wants. Maybe you can encourage him to look at a karma sutra book or another book with different positions. I've found that's a slow way to introduce new ideas into the bedroom. You can ask him if anything looks appealing to him and try it out.
This sounds like my hubby, except that he was less experienced (he was a virgin, had never even had a BJ when we started dating). I've been trying to get him away from the same-old same-old sex for about three years now. The first step he really latched onto was lingerie. If you don't already, take him shopping with you, and let him pick out something lacy (or racy) that he'd like to see you in.
Just last week, my hubby suddenly decided we needed to expand our repertoire, so he went on Barnes and Noble.com and bought about 10 ebooks on sex, including two versions of the Kama Sutra. Then he bought a bunch of erotic literature. Now we're both reading them and pulling out ideas to try. He's already said he wants to try a little domination play (only problem now is, we both want to be bottom!)
Another thing to try is to look into some positions that are very different than what you're used to. Phrase it nicely, just say something like "I read that such and such position feels really incredible for the guy becuase it allows you to go deeper. Let's try it." What guy wouldn't want to go deeper into his woman? Then get down on your hands and knees and put you a$$ in his face. That should give him the right idea.
Cosmopolitan mag tends to be a good source for sex ideas, if you need them.
Enjoy! And let us know what works and how it turns out!
Find some porn or erotic stories that detail the kind of stuff you're interested in. Read or watch them together. He may just feel like he doesn't have any idea what to do, even if you're explicit about it. And he may be surprised that he kind of enjoys what he's seeing, when maybe he didn't think he would.
Also, seriously, if he gets completely weirded out by something as basic as your wanting to be roughed up...you have to ask yourself if you're willing to deal with that, potentially forever if you've thinking of marrying this dude. If you decide for whatever reason that rough sex is something you can't live without (and I know plenty of folks for whom that truly is the case), then...you've got a different issue on your hands.