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Anyone else have family members who aren't on the same page?
My dad is retired, and if it was up to him, he would visit us once a month and stay for about a week. I am not OK with this nor is my DH, and I've repeatedly had to set boundaries for my dad. I don't get along that well with my dad and every time he visits we end up arguing constantly, yet he still wants to visit all the time and is flabbergasted that I have to set up "rules" with him (I don't call them rules to his face). In his mind, he's family and family has the right to visit whenever. In his mind, families should always want to spend time with each other. Never mind that it's not true in my case.
Frankly, it's getting exhausting constantly having to negotiate a visiting schedule with him, knowing that he'll try to extend his stay at some point by either showing up early or leaving later than we had agreed upon. I am usually firm and stick to my guns, but it's tiring. I now dread picking up the phone when I see his number on the caller ID, and I feel like a jerk for constantly having to explain that, no, I don't want to spend that much time with him. I try to do it in a nice way at first, but it always ends up me sounding like a jerk.
Re: Anyone else have family members who aren't on the same page?
Stop negotiating with him. If he visits, have him get a hotel. "Sorry dad- you will not be able to stay with us." No explanations. You do have control in this situation so you need to start taking charge here and doing what you want and not what he wants or finding some compromise in the middle. STOP explaining because each time you explain, you open the door for him to say something else, refute what you say or defend his actions.
Just because he's family does not mean he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.
Instead of telling him why you don't want to spend that much time w/ him, I'd focus on "we're too busy for visitors". You're not going to be able to convince him of your view on this. So don't. Just say "Sorry, this month isn't good for us" and setting firm lines around "We have 2 days free".
The most I would play into it (if his arguement is that as family, he won't be in the way) - is to say "I need for your to respect me on this.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He lives across the country, so the visits are always multi-day visits. He'd happily stay for two weeks if it were up to him.
Ok, I see your point & definitely sympathize with your frustration, but just had to point out that the [bolded] portion of your post is kind of endearing.
Just to give you perspective from the other side of the road...I have the exact opposite problem with my dad & even IL's. I 'feel' that family isn't just for holidays & tragedies - they should be involved in your life and most importantly, want to be involved. DH & I live 5 min from IL's and approx 15 min from my dad. We barely see either of them and when we do, it's because we're the ones to initiate the get-together. It saddens me that they would not want to be around their children & enjoy their company.
My dad and myself constantly argue about this. He thinks by calling me every few days for a 'quick chat' consisting of 5 min long where he does nothing but talk about himself and/or complain about life - that that's being a parent. I beg to differ. I watch my Aunt (dad's sister) with her family & envy them. They are by no means perfect, but just 'involved' in eachother's lives.
Ok, sorry...just had to sit on my soap box for a minute
I can understand that you feel suffocated, but I still think you should try and handle this gently. Just explain that he is more than welcome for visits as long as you & DH aren't busy. Next, set-up a few 'parameters' as to what to anticipate for these visits. I agree with PP's - it would probably be more controlled over the time length of his visits if he stays in a hotel. Also, don't be afraid to ask him for assistance on household projects (is he a handy guy?) so he doesn't treat each visit like a vacation. What do you guys do when he visits? Is it all about wining & dining him?
That's another thing about my dad that drives.me.nuts! When he does come over, he wants to grab a beer, plop on the couch and have my undivided attention for the next few hours (or however long he's there). If I move into another room to do something, he follows me like a dog...it's almost like babysitting him rather than spending time together. Not that I think he should be 'put to work' as soon as he steps in our door - but it would be nice if DH & I are obviously dealing with a project, if he'd offer rather than sit there babbling on endlessly with a story I've heard a million times!
We have moved in together 1.5 years ago and lived somewhat close to both our parents. Both moms complained that we live so close but they don't see us enough. We have been so busy working, trying to figure out our life and trying to spend some time together. We got married 5 months ago and past weekend just moved to a new place approx. 20 miles from each mom. The first week our moms have already invited themselves over and when we tried saying that we're not settled in yet and the place is a disaster they said they're family so it's ok. We don't want to show them our new place that looks like something exploded with stuff all over the floors, no curtains, no rugs etc. We both work full time and when we get home each night we paint, clean and organize. We are exhausted and have no free time. Now each one of us ended up having an argument with their mom and they both keep saying that we spend more time with the other family and make us look like traitors. Please give us some advice because this causes tremendous stress for us and we are constantly fighting because of our families.
Thanks!
Thanks ReturnOfKuus! That makes sense! Does anyone else have any other advice?
Will they pitch in to help? Unpack boxes, paint, move furniture? If so, let them help, sometimes just working together like that is great and it could help you with your stress and home!
Past that, though - on the issue of their comparing how much tmie you spend w/ the other family, you both need to shut that down. You need to tell them that it's not a race, it isn't about being equal. ANd the more they compare and gripe about the other family, the LESS time you will spend with them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10