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Family tree & lots of questions
So, I've always been the one in the family who asks the questions. Growing up, it was a family thing to say to me, "Why do you want to know? Oh-for your book, right?" Well... now that I'm older, I still ask questions, a bit different, but still important ones.
I'm attempting to build my Family Tree & I've noticed a few inconsistantcies from what I'd been told before & what I'm being told now. Things like Who someone's biological father is, the place of birth on relatives, important details that are pretty need-to-know if I want our Tree done right. It's frustrating, too, that certain answers won't be shared. For instance, my dad's 46 & he still doesn't know if he was or was not a twin. His mother refuses to address the issue. I think it's kind of important because twins skip a generation, meaning myself or my siblings could conceive multiples. I'm especially inquisitive as my DH is adopted & his paperwork is pretty flaky on details aside from his being Italian, English & German. (He doesn't want to know anything more, & I respect that). I would still like to know if there's any remote risk of twins, as I would already be a High-risk pregnancy with my medical issues. We all just recently found out that my dad & siblings apparently have an older sister who was given up for adoption years before any of them came along.
It's frustrating because the only people who know the answers won't share them. I feel like in their efforts to save the embarrassment, whispers, or judgements, or whatever it is, they're depriving the other generations. I don't feel my Family's History should be shoved under the rug for any reason.
Though some are willing to talk, I'd like advice on how to approach those who are keeping mum. How would you suggest I try to figure this out? Any helpful advice is much appreciated! (tia)
Re: Family tree & lots of questions
I don't think you can approach them, if they're choosing to keep silent, they're choosing to keep silent.
You can't coerce someone into telling you something that's obviously shameful to them or kept a secret for what they view as very valid reasons just because you believe you have very valid reasons why they shouldn't keep it from you.
I struggle with how I feel about your post.
There is always a chance you'll have twins - might your statistical chance increase? Perhaps - but why do you want to cause your grandmother so much obvious pain by asking her? So you know there's a chance you'll have twins? If she said she was pregnant with 8, what does that change for you? Especially since you seem to respect your husband's choice to not seek more info, why can't you respect others' wishes not to share it?
But on the other hand - I have a lot of resentment with my mother for not telling me who my father is. Even when I was having brain surgery and they asked about familial medical history, she pretended my step-dad was my dad. When I know he's not from my birth certificate.
I see both sides, but think you should drop it. Twins are not a major medical condition you need to know about.
74 books read in 2011
I understand the desire to know, but you don't actually NEED to know. Why not tell your GYN, "I think there's a history of multiples in my family but we're not sure because I'm not in contact with some relatives and DH is adopted" and then act as if your pregnancy is higher risk regardless due to your other medical issues?
If you're overly cautious for a few weeks until you find out if you're carrying a singlet or multiples, there's nothing lost. If you continue to push-push-push to uncover family secrets just to make an accurate family tree, there's nearly everything to lose.
They haven't really proven if twins are a genetic character trait that runs in families. They think the woman might carry the genetics for fraternal twins. FI is a twin so I have looked into this. Oh and twins (or any other genetic trait) do not scientifically "skip a generation".
http://www.thetech.org/genetics/ask.php?id=86
I think you're using you're high risk pregnancy status as an excuse for satisfying your curiosity.
If you found out your dad was a twin, is that going to affect your TTC plan? Will your doctors do anything differently because he's a twin that they wouldn't normally do for someone with a high risk pregnancy?
They don't owe you answers, and you'd be wise to drop this.
Twins don't "skip a generation"- that is a myth. However, the fact that his mother "refuses" to address the question makes me think that your father was a twin- if he wasn't, it'd be a simple "no, of course not." This is probably a difficult topic for her to discuss and you should respect the fact that she is not willing or able to talk about this with you.
As for the rest... I don't think future generations necessarily have the right to know about great-uncles or aunts who were put up for adoption. That was your grandparents' decision and their privacy should be respected. And this is coming from someone who has a number of biological family members, including a sister, who was adopted out at birth. I will tell my son that I have a sister who was adopted out one day, probably, but I won't tell him about my cousins who were as that's not really any of his business. Hell, it's not any of my business, just something I found out through the grapevine.
Long story short... I wouldn't recommend approaching those who don't appear forthcoming at all.
For information you can search census records online. And if your family has lived locally for many years your local librarian may be able to help you look for information. I am sure there are lots of geneology forums out there that will have advice.
Family secrets are more common than I thought though--my friend found out her mom put a baby up for adoption and DH found out his dad had a first marriage he never knew about (though his mom and stepmom had always know which is good.)
Oh, then you'd hate my family. We're Irish and it is custom to "not talk about family". There are several contridictory stories in my family. I found it confusing as a child but I learned to accept that it was a deeply ingrained social norm. I think it comes from a thousand years of a class based society, the reckage of a conquored nation and the fact that families were huge, so having 10+ brothers and sisters meant that you had a pretty good chance of a close relative in trouble that you didn't want coming back to you.
Have you thought of the implications of pressing the twins question to your grandma? Sure, to you its just a simple fact. Maybe you have a little empathy that a child, an infant died. But have you considered it could be more than that? That the child had a birth defect or down syndrome that precipated the death. In her day, that was shocking and horrifying. Maybe the baby was healthy but suffered an injury or mistake by the doctor. Maybe she did something to cause the death, or blames herself. Denial is a pretty powerful coping mechanism, should you strip it from her so simply? Do you really want her to relive it to satisfy your curiousity?
Anyway, the myths and mysteries in family make the stories so much more interesting. Why ruin that?
I agree with this. Though you may not believe their reason is valid, it's a valid concern to them and they aren't ready to discuss it.
When I had to have a copy of my birth certificate for a school sponsored trip out of the US, my mother was very concerned about it. I could not figure out why she was so upset about it. That's when I discovered she was pregnant with me before she got married. This was in the late 60's and my parents had a quickie courthouse wedding because she was pregnant. Sad to say, it was years later before she actually had an honest conversation with me about it. My cousin also discovered hints of other family issues on our side of the family and put aside her family tree research also. She's hoping that as more time passes, maybe people will feel less threatened, or be more willing, to discuss more.
Of course there is a remote risk you could have twins if you get pregnant. My friend had them with zero family history of twins on either side. And before you ask, no, she did not use any type of fertility treatments.
As someone who will likely struggle with how much to tell (or not) to future generations about the horrifying criminal behavior of a close relation, I'm going to request that you back off. They don't owe you this information, and I'm sure almost everyone has holes in their family trees.
What are you really missing by being "deprived" of these answers? The terrible actions of this relation do not impact my day-to-day life other than we've chosen not to interact with the person anymore. Their behavior is not a reflection of me or the family.
I love hearing about my family tree and ask questions all the time. But, of course, my family loves to talk about it. There haven't ever been any secrets. We all knew my great grandmother lost several children while pregnant or when they were very young. We all knew my great grandmother was adopted by her aunt and uncle when she was 4 and they changed her name from "Rose" to "Maxine". There are stories about family members who were reporters, circus performers, professional musicians - just to skim the surface!
So I totally understand your curiosity and also your wanting to know family information for personal and medical reasons. It is sad that your family won't share, but pressing the issue with them seems to make them want to share less. I would suggest Ancestry.com and also, if you know where your family was and around what times, visit the library for city, county and township records for more information.
Also sometimes an obscure relative may have stories, names and other information that can help you. Maybe a long lost cousin or aunt or uncle? Good luck in your search and I hope that your family tires to cooperate some!
I agree. If you were truly concerned about medical histories, you'd be asking about things like heart disease, cancer, diabetes, genetic disorders, mental health issues, etc. You don't seem to be asking about those things so I'm thinking you're just pissed that they're interfering with your little project.
Not trying to be snarky but I really don't understand why you're upset. I could understand being a little annoyed but you almost seem distraught over it.
The fact that you want to know all the little family secrets does not correlate with any right to make people tell you. Your curiosity (and reasons behind it) is unseemly and rude. Drop it.
Keep in mind that maybe he was a twin & something happened? This may be an incredibly painful memory for your grandmother & you keep trying to drag up under the guise of something that makes very little difference.
When twins "run in the family" it is a trait that is passed on the mother's maternal side only and does not "skip a generation". That's an old wives' tale.
Aside from the fact that one possible twinning in your dad's side of the family would qualify as "running". Your husbands family hx would be entirely irrelevent to twinning unless you are his sister.
If your family doesn't wish to air their family history it means it's none of your business. Drop it.
Have you tried ancestry.com? I found several "skeletons" (a baby that was born to my aunt while her husband was in WWII that he made her give up for adoption when he came back. No one in the family even knew his name until I found the birth record in the SSA. It isn't a big deal, it was just interesting.) through the Social Security Admin. birth and death records. If your father had a twin that was born and then later died, there should be a record of death. I've done extensive research and spent a lot of time tracking down graves (god, I sound weird) but I did find my great-great-great grandfather's grave (who had been in the Civil War and his tombstone said 'The Confederate States of America'.) I personally started with genealogy when we started thinking about having kids. I my kids to know who and where they came from.
But in an effort to be helpful, your best effort in tracking down and furthering your family tree is death certificates. They will give you the deceased name, their father, and their mother with her maiden name. Then you can use census records to get a more complete picture of the woman's side of the family. Granted, you need to know the basics to get started. Hope it works out for you.