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Help me through this, porn related and ex H related
I know the general stance of porn on the nest and I am pro porn (lol) in general. It doesn't bother me and we've watched porn together many times.
What HAS been bothering me if the timing of this. My ex H used to watch porn late at night without coming to bed with me. It always hurt my feelings and he eventually was unfaithful and never wanted sex with me.
I am having a hard time since my SO has watched porn and started masturbating 2X this past week. First time I caught him looking for him to come to bed with me and I caught him and reacted by crying ...so not like I would usually react. I told him why (experiences with my ex and all) and dropped it.
Last night it was the same thing. I was exhausted and went to bed around 9pm ...around 11pm I went into the living room and there he was again.
I know I am being a big baby! I just don't know what to do to fix it. I get that he is stressed and all and it is a good way to fall asleep or relieve stress - hell I do it too!
I guess I'm afraid of falling back into old habits like my ex H had.
Any suggestions? Hopefully this post made sense.
Re: Help me through this, porn related and ex H related
I would expect my SO to respect my feelings and issues with porn and work it out together, instead of disrespecting my feelings and going ahead to do it all over again a couple of days later. I feel that was pretty dovchey of him.
I don't think you're being a baby at all. I think you've been hurt before in a similar situation and you're afraid it's going to happen again. Your SO should respect this and back off the porn, or at least be less obvious about it for the time being. It should be something that the two of you communicate about and work through. Although he hasn't done anything to break your trust, someone else has, so in a way he has to prove that he can be trusted as a result of someone else's wrong doing. It sucks to have it be that way, but if he cares for you then I don't see any reason why this should be a problem.
Thanks! It's just weird that it upsets me so much...almost like he is being sneaky about it, although deep down, I don't think that is really it.
You would be suprised how much men not only think about sex but masterbate every day. Even when they are having sex daily it's common for them to also masterbate. Women crave intimacy and men crave sex. it's just how we're built.
You should NOT be upset by him watching porn or masterbating unless he is also turning you down for sex. Men are way more sexual than women and if he is relieving those cravings this way as opposed to cheating then you should be happy. Especially if you are turning him down. watching porn or masterbating is not cheating in my book - it's a physical act not involving another woman. be grateful he's faithful and get physical with him :-)
This is 100% bullsh*t, every last word of it.
I don't think its you. I was married once before to a porn addict, and that ended in a divorce. Your post makes perfect sense to me. I've been there.
I have since remarried, and I enjoy sex with my husband. We have a healthy sex life.
The difference in healthy to me is whether or not its open, and you are invited in. If he's asking you to be with him for that reason, lets you know that he's interested and you aren't, he's got a right to do what he's doing. It's not anyones "fault," timing just isn't right. But if he's being secretive, and you aren't being invited to be a part of his world when it comes to his sexuality, to me that is a problem. And it hurts like hell.
I hope it works out for you.
Agreed!! With the only slight adjustment of "most" in front of men and women.
You went to bed at 9...he didnt...you walked in on him 2 hours AFTER you left him there, and you call that sneaking? I dont get it. If you wanted to have sex with him you should have invited him with you at 9. I dont see the sneaking connection at all. He didnt turn you down THEN jerk off.
I would assume that my H feels/does the same. I understand your hang-up, but he's not sneaking around, he's not neglecting you, and IMO you're overreacting.
Sorry, but do not go to extremes with this one. This may be the case in some households but NOT yours so please do not make assumptions like this one.
Hate to admit this but I am like your SO. . .I watch porn and masterbate to it. Nothing bad. I do not want to leave MH. If you were tired, he might not want to interrupt that as I do with MH. Some men will cheat, some may be courteous so if you want to join in on his "fun", ask him. Sometimes, the sexiest thing is to just ask. If not and you are tired, just go to bed.
If this really affected you though, let him know about it and how it makes you nervous.
Communication is key.
OMG such bullshiit!!!
OP-I feel that you have a right to feel the way that you do, after what you've been through with your ex. I also feel that it was a douchey move of your SO to continue with said behavior AFTER the fact. If you're just dating, you shouldn't put up with being disrespected like that. He could argue that you don't trust him, but you trusted him to not hurt you like that again. He went ahead and did it anyway. I'd try talking to him again and explain that you're hurt. It's also important that you take a stand and let him know that this is unacceptable and you won't be giving anymore chances.
My hubby and I watch porn together and its fine but I have encountered the same feelings that you experienced when I felt like he was watching it without me and choosing that instead of me.
I asked him about it and he told me he would only do that when I was really tired from work, school or the kid and felt like it was better not to bother me.
You aren't being a baby but try to understand him too. Some people are more sexual than others (I won't give that bullshit excuse that men are sexual than women- because it's not true all the time and not fair to women). When you are truly to tired to do it- don't force yourself but don't get mad either that he needs to jack off either it's just not fair.
Good luck!
i find it funny that a lot of women have to be so darned closeminded. you cant call this BS just bc you dont agree with it. This is 100% how it is in my house and my wife does the same to me. sometimes she is horny, but not in the mood for sex, or im asleep. sure, id rather she has sex with me, but I dont get mad bc we have good communication.
Let me give you the GUYS perspective.. if my wife "goes to bed" early and is "tired", I am not going to bother her bc i love her and value her sleep. If i am horny, I can either go to bed (and prob wake up a few times throughout the night "frustrated", which is EXTREMELY annoying and disrupts my sleep), or i can take care of the situation. As long as he isnt turning her down for porn, there isnt an issue. I have an extremely high sex drive. its annoying at times. I take care of myself 3-4 times a week bc the wife only wants it 2x a week. So where is the problem? i love my wife and our marriage is great.
whats unacceptable? OP is ok with porn. if you dont take care of your DH needs, as long as he takes care of himself in the privacy of your home with no strangers, where is the damage?
If you wanted sex, and he said he wasn't in the mood AND THEN you caught him with porn, I'd be pissed. lol
Here, though, it seems like you're punishing him for something your ex did. You said you're "ok" with porn, so I'm guessing your current DH assumes this is your feeling on it as well.
I think you should just sit down and tell him what you've told us. You thought you'd be ok with porn, but this exact scenario--him watching it after you're in bed--bothers you. If he respects you and what you've been through, he'll figure out a way to resolve this in a way that makes you feel better.
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I agree with this.
However, I would say that men just need to get a little bit more sensitive to their partner's feelings.
I don't really masturbate in a place where my husband could see me.
I do it when he's not home. If I was a guy and could accomplish this, I'd do it in the bathroom or in the shower. Hell, I know guys do it at work. Kinda ewwwish.
My suggestion is tell him exactly what you want.
You're OK with him masturbating, looking at porn as long as it's not all the time and 'could you please not make it so blatantly obvious, honey?'
Goo luck!
I agree. If you went to bed tired and he was horny, then yes, expect him to do something about it. If you went to bed, woke up two hours later and went looking and found him masturbating, then you should have walked over to him and grabbed his penis and helped!!
Seriously, tell him that you like what you see but would like it better if he put that thing inside you instead. You were tired, he wasn't. You went to bed, he took matters into his own hands! Were you just curious and went looking? Maybe you expected him to come to bed with you when you were tired. Honestly, he isn't choosing masturbating over you, he is choosing not to spend a few restless hours laying in bed next to you while you snore.
Maybe the next time you go to bed tired and maybe a little horny, ask him if he'd like to come to bed and play a while, then he can stay up if he wants. If you are expecting him to know you want him to come to bed because he chooses you over staying up, then your are probably wrong. Us guys (most of us) aren't going to read into your "I'm going to bed early" with an undertone of "come to bed with me because I'm horny" and want to go to bed with you hoping to have fun. You said you were tired. So, what was he supposed to do?
Seriously, sit down with him and have a talk. Tell him the exact same thing you wrote here and let him know you would prefer him to choose you over porn and masturbating. It might be a little embarrassing for you to ask him about it. If it is, send him an e-mail. Tell him what you feel and that you would rather he plays with you instead. But, also include that the next time you feel a bit horny, that you will let him know too. I've found that an e-mail is a good way to broach a touchy subject. He will take time to read it completely and you can get your point across without him interrupting you while you talk.