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BIL asked my sister for a divorce
I found out on Sunday that my BIL asked my sister for a divorce after 13 years of marriage. They have no children.
My BIL is an overall jerk. He continually subjects my sister to verbal abuse in private and public. He is a control freak who yells at her if the Brillo pad on the kitchen sink is 1 inch away from its appointed place. This from a man who is a 65 year old house husband who recklessly spends the money my sister brings into the household. He also has a history of insulting my Mom because she doesn't give him enough family antiques.
My sis was considering leaving him a year ago because she couldn't stand his BS anymore. She is a strong, confident woman, but I'd never seen her so sad and beaten down. They were about to go into counselling when he dropped the divorce bombshell on Sunday. He had the nerve to say to her that she was a 'disappontment as a wife.' What a slap in the face! She is the one who works her tail off enabling him to live a lavish lifestyle. I want to kill this bastard!
There is no history of divorce in my family so I don't know what's going to happen next. My sister will go about this very methodically and protect herself and her assets. She's blessed with a loving family who will rally around her and shut my BIL out. There is a man out there who will love and respect her in a way that my egotistical BIL never did. I hope my sis knows this deep in her heart and will hold onto it.
Re: BIL asked my sister for a divorce
Anyway it sucks. It is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to her. But you can help. What really helped me was people calling or coming over to hang out with me. I didn't have the energy to do much but friends bringing me dinner or watching trashy tv with me or a movie was perfect. I was okay talking about how I felt though I don't know if everyone feels that way. Don't be afraid to call her and do your best to not sound like she is bothering you when she calls because she probably will be at some point. Though obviously if you have plans it's okay to politely ask to call her later.
After a week I could function okay at work. But that used up all my energy. And I had to talk to someone in the evenings or I would feel crazy. I actually slept fine and could eat okay but those may be hard for her. Just keep gently urging her to take care of herself. Watch for signs of substance abuse. I actually swung the other way and stopped drinking entirely (and have never used any other potentially dangerous substances) but I would not encourage her to sloth via drinking.
The absolute best thing I did was see a therapist. I didn't end up needing medication, but I would urge her to not be scared of this. There are anxiety meds that can be taken only occasionally. And she may want to ask about sleep aids. Benadryl works well for a lot of people but always a good idea to consult a physician.
And whatever you do, don't push her into a decision regarding divorce or filing. She needs to come to the decision on her own. I would say it is okay to respond to specific behaviors or comments "that was a very cruel thing he said" not "leave him!". Remember it is very possible they will reconcile. You don't want to destroy your relationship with her. If you believe she is in physical danger, talk to a abuse shelter and ask their advice.
Good luck to you and your sister.
Thanks, ladies, for your words of support. I've told my sis that whenever she can't stand to be around my BIL she is always welcome to come to our house which will be a safe haven for her. I hope she takes us up on our offer because we want so much to help and comfort her.
kcp, I like your idea of my sis considering seeing a therapist. She's the only member of my family who has never sought mental health therapy because it's hard for her to be vulnerable and let her emotions out -- she's always been that way. But maybe seeing a counselor and venting her feelings will do her good after 10+ years of being verbally abused and humiliated by her husband.
Hopefully he won't go after spousal support. It happened to my sister, much older husband, didn't work...
He did her a favor since she was not strong enough to get herself out of this situation.
Counseling for her - she needs to know why she married this man and stayed with him for that long (so she does not go and pick another douche-bag)