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Stressful parents anyone?
Does anyone here have stressful parents and a way of dealing with it other than cutting them off?
My parents are self employed, always have been, which is fine except for the fact that they think I am there to call every five minutes for help with computer related issues. They have been using computers to help run their businesses since the 1980's and they both know how to use them. I did web design and internet marketing for a few years, so they think this makes me the local expert.
So, they email. If I don't reply instantly (within 5 or 10 minutes), they call. If I don't answer...they show up at the door. I don't work on the computer like I use to so I am honestly not familiar with the issues they are having. I have tried explaining to them they I have my own life and I am not working on the computer really anymore so I am not able to help them. I have asked that they stop calling me for every little thing relating to their business (they NEVER call to say hi or chat about anything other than the news or work). They pulled a guilt trip and said "you just don't love us".
Not to mention, my dad informed us last weekend that regardless of if we liked it or not, we needed to start preparing to run their business for them as they are "too tired"...but do not have money for retirement. So, basically, they want us to stop running our own businesses, put everything on hold, and run their business for them. In return for this, we would get about half of the money we are making currently and they would get the rest.
My dad takes it upon himself to tell me that I am "wasting my brain" by not working on the computer. I am way happier with what I am doing now than I was as a web designer/internet marketer. We are doing fine financially so there is nothing for them to worry about.
Probably the biggest issue is that they don't approve of my DH...AT ALL. And, they have made this known to me regularly the entire time we have been together. They think he is "stupid" and "ridiculous to even speak to" because he does not share their same political beliefs. I have told them that their opinions are not welcome and that I will not tolerate them bad mouthing my husband. At which point they say he is brainwashing me against them.
How do I get them to STOP without completely cutting them out of my life?
Re: Stressful parents anyone?
It's good that you stand up for your husband, but do you ever actually say no to them for the rest of the stuff, the computer help and running their business? I don't mean an explanation, but a firm, unequivocal no?
Do you work at home?
If not, don't answer calls/emails during work hours. If you do work at home (which I am assuming since you said that they will just come over), I think it is appropriate to be very short - bordering on rude - with them when answering the door. Or, don't answer it.
They can not force you to run their business. Say no.
As for the H issue, this is the part that I think is the worst. Tell them that if they can't respect your relationship, you will choose not to have a relationship with them. Be blunt about it.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
My mom is enmeshed, so she believes that what she thinks is what we should think. Your parents sound similar. I don't discuss topics that will get me nowhere, and limit what I share.
As for your DH "he may be stupid, but at least he knows how to work his own computer!" Then refer them to the Geek squad.
I personally would start by making good use of the word "no" and making it clear that you just dont have that kind of time to assist - what with your own work responsibilities and all. They can always hire a real tech person (freelance as needed OR as staff) if they are that desperate.
I dont know that its necessary to cut them off per se, but maybe have an honest conversation about your feelings - if you have no interest in running their company, say so! If they dont respect your husband and are consistently hurting you in the process, say so.
Draw the line in the sand. See if they respond accordingly, and if they dont - then, maybe a break from them for a while so they see you're being serious.
Your post has a wishy-washy quality to it, so I don't know that you're REALLY saying "no" to them and being firm. You need to start doing this. Especially over their expectation that you'll take over their business.
But you need to not "explain" anything to them. YOu need to keep it simple and as close to just a "no" as possible. Thtey'll use explanations to argue.
They throw stuff out like "you don't love us", I'd be saying "Well, that's not the case. I'm sorry you feel that way." and then move on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You need to set boundaries, like, yesterday. You tell them 'no'. Get very familiar with that word and don't feel guilty about it. Just because they're your parents DOES NOT mean that they can run your life.
Also, I do have very stressful parents. To the point that it nearly ruined my life. Again, set boundaries, move away, whatever you need to do.
How do you change other people?
Oh sweetie, you can't. You can only limit the demands and damage they do to you. Sometimes that means they demand less and do less damage. But they only change when they want to. Not just when you want them to.
I would have told my father that we not going to run their business and that they will need to find another solution to their situation. Period. End of discussion.
I think you have a few issues. For the incessant calling and e-mailing I'd set up a set time every day or week to chat with them. They can write down any issues and ask you about it then. if you don't know the answer, don't try to figure it out for them (this will encourage them to keep calling) just say you don't know.
For the business issue, I would just point blank tell them that you're sorry they're tired but you and DH have your own businesses and can't take over theirs. Maybe they can sell it or something.
For the DH issue I would just make it absolutely 100% clear that you will not tolerate negative comments about your DH. If they say something rude you get up and leave the room or you hang up the phone.
I think they're manipulating you b.c. they feel like they can. Set boundaries and enforce them...either you'll be limiting their access to you so they can't make you as crazy, or they might start to respect that you mean what you say and they can't push you around.
charge them a consultation fee for every time they call you. if they call you on an evening or weekend, charge them extra.
And tell them, you're very happy with your own businesses, but that you'd be happy to help them hire and train someone to run theirs' for them while they retain ownership, and responsibility for their own business. Or they can sell it and hope they can live off the lump sum.