Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Anyone else find "sex tips" to be a little pathetic?
Okay, I'm sorry, but little "tips" on sites like theNest, Cosmo, etc. seem so fake to me. Have men and women really come to be in such a sorry sexual state that they need things like "sex coupons" to get off? It's not even sexy!!! I mean honestly, coupons? Sex board games? Wearing costumes? These things sound like preschool activities! Can you honestly say that you are GENUINELY, passionately hot for these little games? Sex between strangers is carnal, desperate, and evocative. Why should sex with your spouse require dressing up and acting like a phony? It's just so unsexy to me! The bigger question is, can you be genuinely passionate with a life-long mate? Maybe the "advice" that we need to fullfill a sex quota (apparently if you sleep together less than twice in a week, you're in a dry spell!) is a lie. Maybe we are oversexed. Maybe if we just slept with our husbands when passion was truly ignited, we wouldn't feel the need for such games. We are mammals!! Poll for you: would you rather have great sex-I mean fully-engaged, feeling-his-body-upon-yours, volatile, fresh sex-once a month, or sex that you have to try SO hard to get in the mood for three times a week? What happened to real, carnal sex??
Re: Anyone else find "sex tips" to be a little pathetic?
Agreed! We're still newly-weds, so we're still going strong at......let's just say, more than twice a week. But I totally agree with your opinion. Granted, humor is essential to a healthy sex life, but I don't think having my husband laugh at me in a bunny costume (or any other ridiculous get-up) is going to be beneficial for either of us. We have placed more importance on talking about sex, physical affection, and complimenting each other, than on pretending we're something that we are most definitely not. I am not a stripper, schoolgirl, hot librarian, or anything else in that vein. What I am is a woman who is ready and willing to have sweet/fun/passionate sex with my husband (who is certainly not a hunky policeman, bodybuilder, firefighter, etc.). Aside from my fairly conservative lingerie, (my rule of thumb: "if we end up not having sex, is this something I can sleep comfortably in?") we have very few "props." We want our sex life to be about intimately knowing each other, not a stage performance, so for us, sex is mostly fun and sweet, with one of those "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!" experiences thrown in here and there.
Sorry for the long post.
I think it's pathetic that people write off something different bc they feel like it's too much work or preschoolish, without trying it first.
Just b/c some do not feel comfortable with it (even trying it) does not mean its pathetic. Those that give their opinion to the question may have tried it and opted not to do it b/c they do not like it. Being spontaneous is more fun. I'd rather put whatever on & wait for my man to come home to me 'dressed' for him. But to talk about it, having to take the time to get into costume and be someone else IS imo, too much like a chore. And like I said in pp, not knocking those who do it, but do not knock those of us who do not like it. To each his own!
Kristi and Kerry June 21,2008
I'm actually one of those ppl who isn't into the role playing and costumes thing. So, I'm not knocking those of who aren't into it bc I'm one of you. However, I know I'm not into it bc I tried it. To approach sex with such a closed mind is kinda sad IMO.
I think some of the "tips" on Cosmo or whatever are ridiculous but some can be helpful. I like switching things up, maybe trying new positions, maybe buying something that makes me feel sexy, getting new ideas. I think that if you keep the lines of communication open with your partner and stay creative you don't need to necessarily use "sex tips" from other places, but they can be a good place to start and work from.
To answer your last question, I like having sex and I definitely would not be okay with having sex once a month with my SO and I'd be willing to go a little outside the box to prevent that. However, my SO is of the same mindset about this so at this point in the relationship I don't feel like I have to "force" anything.
I think this question all comes down to a person's natural sex drive, and whether its compatible with that of their husband. If both are happy with crazy wild sex once a month, then why change it? I'd be concerned if I was only in a truly passionate mood once a month, but that's based on what I know to be normal for DH and I, nothing else. Generally speaking, any time its been less frequent than that, I've found that its due to stress or other issues. So there is something to figuring out what your frequency is, and paying attention. Sex life does reflect dynamics of other things in the relationship.
I've found the sex tips silly, but only because I've wondered why people can't think up things that they find sexy and fun on their own--every one has such a different view on what that is, it makes "tips" rather unhelpful I think. I think going straight to DH and figuring it out would be far more productive.
Personally, I think coupons are really silly. I can't imagine a)handing them to DH, or b)being in a marriage where DH needs to present a coupon to get some action. lol But to each their own. I'm sure some couples find them fun. I'm just not one of those ppl.
Click here for my bio! (Updated 9/2/10!)
I think some of the tips can get lame but at the same time have you tried to spice things up at all in these ways? some times it is ACTUALLY fun and rewarding. It's not exactly hard work to do very many or the "tips", Dressing up in hot lingerie or a little school girl outfit actually really works for me, it makes me feel hot, gives my husband a "wow my wife is hot" reaction and sex is amazing and a little different, without having to think much about it.
I think that sex is really important in a relationship though, and like any other part of the relationship you have to work at it to maintain it (just like you work at the romance and personal connection by going on dates or doing little romantic things for one another, sex without the "props" is awesome but I don't think there's anything wrong with adding a little flare every now and then and doing something different when it comes to sex)
I don't think that anyone should feel like they have the right to judge anyone else's sex life.
My DH and I do just fine with regular, amazing sex (okay, throw in my micro bullet for me, and we're good to go), but I know from experience that he also appreciates when I do something special, like dressing up for him. I have never done "costume" lingerie, but I go for things like garter belts and thigh highs (I honestly have no idea what you're considering "costume"). I strongly disagree with what you said about dressing up being for you, because I sure as heck don't dress up for me, I dress up for DH. He loves it, especially because I don't do it very often. It's like a special treat for him to get to see me dolled up like that for him.
Do you also consider using toys to be going "above and beyond"?
I think that most of these "sex tips" columns are aimed at people who maybe don't have a whole lot of imagination in the bedroom to start with, but are looking for stuff beyond their normal bedroom repertoire. For a lot of people, turning sex into a gam is a gateway to getting them feeling easier about bringing stuff into the bedroom that's a little different.
Quite frankly, if you think that putting on a schoolgirl skirt or talking dirty is "edgy," then yes, these articles are for you. If you and your man regularly break out the nipple clamps, spreader bars and violet wand, you're probably not their target audience.
I don't. I find some of that stuff fun. I like to slip a coupon in my hubbys lunch box. Now does he come home and "redeem it", no, but it lets him know that I am thinking about him. I also like to dress up and send him fun pictures.
Since we have our children, we aren't as active as we used to be, but I woudln't say that by doing these things you are trying so hard. We still have "real, carnal sex." Sometimes that is because I write on his coupon, the kids are staying at the sitter late, then he knows that not only am I in the mood, I have made it so that we can be as carnal as we want.