Sex & Romance
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Need Advice: My husband won't have sex with me
I'll have to give you a bit of background info to understand this
completely. So a little over four years ago I found out I was
pregnant. My now husband (then boyfriend) and I decided to get married. We
had been together for a while and had been talking about it for almost a
year. So we went ahead and got married. This is when the problems
began. At first I thought it was because it was kind of awkward for him
because of my large belly, then I had our daughter and nothing
changed. It was almost a year and half until we finally had sex. After
that it was another year and so on. We've been married four years and I
can count on my fingers how many times we've had sex. I've tried
pretty lingerie, I've tried talking to him. Everything. I have caught
him MULTIPLE times masturbating. In the middle of the night, in the
afternoon when I come home from lunch. Sometimes he forgets to clear
the history on his computer and there are just TONS of sites for HOURS
and HOURS. I don't understand why he would rather look at porn and
masturbate than have sex with me. Any tips or advice? I'm at my wits
end. I can't do this anymore. Thanks!
Re: Need Advice: My husband won't have sex with me
You may have 2 separate major problems here. Sorry for your troubles.
Was he in the d room with you when you gave birth?
Sounds like a case of Madonna-Wh0re Syndrome to me --- google it and you will get more information.
A sex therapist can work on this issue with the both of you. It is fixable.
What you need to do first and foremostly: have a talk with him -- about your lack of sex life. Communication is key. I know you said you've spoken with him but do it again -- and be as frank and blunt as possible. Don't let him shrug you off and don't let him thwart you: a long and frank talk is required.
Mention the sex therapist to him; he's got to work on this with you; he owes it to you as a partner, a teammate and a husband.
If MWS isn't the scope of his problem, something else is happening. He may have simply decided the sex department is closed (it happens) or he may have emotionally checked out of the relationship.
Your second problem: a possible addiction to porn. If he's got an addiction to the porn, there is a problem. If he's at it for hours as you say he is, then there definitely is a problem. (I'd also find a way to make sure that computer is inoperable; remove it from the premises; do what you have to do). In which case you've got another separate and serious problem. It's possible to be addicted to porn, the same way is it is to be addicted to alcohol, gambling, shopping or a substance..
You might want to drop into AlAnon and bounce the hours of porn surfing off somebody there; get somebody's opinion and input. I'm not saying this guy's got a problem, but from your description, it sounds like he may.
I also strongly suggest you see a counselor on your own separately and discuss the possible porn addiction with the counselor, along with the lack of sex that's in your marriage..
If he's got a porn addiction, it's as serious as one to alcohol, drugs or gambling. I'd make it emphatically clear to him that he gets help for his porn addictionand stat or this marriage is over. Either he gets help for his addiction or you go. It's as simple as that.
Marriage to an addict is no marriage at all. Any type of an addiction is a dealbreaker; it's a s simple as that. It is not healthy for you or your child to stay in that type of "relationship."
And if he refuses to get help, he has chosen the addiction over you. Not a good thing. Anybody who has been married to an addict will tell you what life was like with that person.
If he refuses to see a sex counselor with you, you'll have to decide where to go from there. If sex is important to you, why should you stay in a sexless marriage and why should you stay in a marriage where your H made it clear he refuses to work on this issue with you by getting help FOR the problem?
If he has an addiction to porn and he refuses to get help, that's it for him. I would not stay married to an addict.
The choice is going to have to be up to you. IF he's got a porn addiction, he needs a "rock bottom moment", the same as any other addict who is not in recovery needs a rock bottom moment. Only then will he realize he's got a problem and that he needs help for it fast. GL.
Another reason why counseling would be a good idea for you: not only are you grappling with a sexless marriage and marriage to what is possibly an addict --- you also chose to get married because you were pregnant at the time. Yes, you discussed marriage for a year; I also don't know what your pre-marriage and pre-pregnancy relationship was like with him.
There possibly wasn't enough "legs" in this relationship to support a marriage; it's stressful enough being a newlywed and that you were pregnant at the time of marriage added further stress to the relationship.
In the meahwhile, I very strongly suggest you keep an eye on all assets. WHo knows what's up with him and if he's paying to view porn websites on line? You never can tell with an addict.
I'm not jumping to conclusions but I'd also monitor all credit card activity that your H has -- if you see a questionable charge on the statement, call the number and find out exactly what type of service your H paid for. Just sayin'.:(
If he's got a porn addiction, that vastly eclipses a lack of sex problem. If he refuses to get help for his addiction, no way I'd stay married to this guy. There is nothing in it for you or your little one and like I said, addiction is a dealbreaker.
If he refuses to get help for his addiction, I would not stay. What to do: get your finances ready, safeguard your assets and when all of that is taken care of, file.
If you choose to stay, get ready for a very long haul for you and your child. Again, marriage to an addict is no marriage at all. GL.
I'm going through a similar thing right now. My husband and I got married in March, and right before the wedding I had borrowed his laptop and found a bunch of porn on it. I was devastated to find out that he'd been lying saying he was working on papers when he was actually according to his internet history watching porn, and told him the wedding was off and stayed at a friends for the night. He was crying, saying he was sorry, he'd never do it again, blah blah blah, so I gave in and came back. I figured I could trust him because of how upset he was. Well, last week I borrowed his laptop again and saved a document and went into his my downloads folder to find it, and found a heck of a lot more than my homework document in there. He was at work, and I was so upset because I knew he'd been acting distant over the last few weeks and a friend even suggested maybe he was looking at porn again, and I even defended him!!
Anyway, I decided I was done playing this game, and while he was gone, I installed 2 different parental control programs on his laptop, deleted all the videos I found in his email, computer folders, 3 harddrives and his bookmarks. I also installed a thing that will track any website, link or anything he clicks on so I can see it from my computer. He was upset when he got home and found out he can't even get on something as "bad" as Spec's website to look at liquor. But, I told him he's lucky I'm even still here after being betrayed like that.
So, maybe if you find him with porn, try and install some of this stuff on there and use a passcode that there is NO way he'd be able to guess. He was upset about it, but he understood and if it's the only way I can keep him off of it then so be it.
Maybe you should try installing the stuff though...best of luck to you!
this whole thing is bad news.:(
porn has the same effect on the brain as cocaine - it activates dopamine receptors and over time the brain requires more and more grotesque images to get the same high/same feeling. it also breeds unrealistic expectations from your H so he'd rather live in a fantasy world than have real, pure, unadulterated sex with you.
This is a really serious thing and it sounds like he's already addicted. You need marriage counseling not just a sex therapist. Porn addiction is a big deal. Hope you guys can get some help.
Everything this poster says is true, and sounds like it could possibly be from her own experiences(?)
I say that because I was married to a porn addict. It is like being kicked in the gut and having the wind knocked out of you. Having your husband choose a cold computer screen over a warm wife is devastating.
I had to make a decision. After 8 years of marriage, I left my husband and filed for divorce. He never believed that I would leave him! We went to counseling, I spent many nights crying and he said over and over that he would change. He never did. I am so happy that I left him and divorced. It is not healthy to be in a relationship with an addict.
I am now newly married to my best friend and love of my life! I have my happy ending!
Going through the same thing. My husband and I used to be very active, then we got our first two foster children followed by another one then we had our own baby. That is when the sex stopped. My husband also looks at porn and masturbates. There could be lots of things that add up to no sex.
Have you tried masturbating with him? OR watching a porn movie together? Instead of always wanting what turns you on, try getting turned on by what he likes. Maybe that will be enough to heat things up and move them in the direction you want.
I don't know what all you are into, but maybe he likes to be in control (reason he masturbates). Try some light bondage. Or go for a drive to a secluded area and "jump him."
Good luck. It is very hard to live with this, I know. But don't think it is you and don't feel bad about yourself. Don't think about the whys, it will drive you crazy. Think outside the box to make things spicy. Don't do lingerie, try a normal dress with no panties and sit on his lap. Let him catch you masturbating. Send the kids some where and get really loud. He will come looking to see what you are doing.