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SIL, DH's niece and weight problems
Hi Girls. I wonder what your opinion is on this one. Especially coming from the girls with weight issues or those who accept what they look like despite being overweight (so not an issue to them).
DH's niece is 7 now, getting her first communion tomorrow. Last time I saw her was Christmas, and since then, she must have put on some 10 pounds... it's hard for me to tell, because I know when I put on 10 pounds, because my shins don't fit into one of my favorite boots, and I can't put on most of my jeans. Imagine a seven year old girl, tall for her age, maybe 5' tall, who suddenly from a round kid all around, became chubby with a belly that is definitely more than 38" (my hips size). I don't know how you picture this, but for me, this is a shocking increase. Normally I see her about three/four times a year, and this is the biggest increase.
So now a little background. DH's side of the family is all quite slim and tall, they all looked malnourished at the niece's age, because there is no "round" gene here. BIL's family is a little shorter, and definitely have the "round" gene. For me the "round" gene is makes some people look rounder but not because of what they eat, but because their whole family looks this way - they have it in their genes. DH's niece is definitely tall, but with the "round" gene. But, on top of that, my SIL is feeding her crap... I mean, she walked over to the Burger King and got her fries last year before our wedding while we were getting our nails done. And not because the girl was hungry, but because she was boared! They can afford a private chef, and she shared the menu with my MIL and MIL said nothing on that menu should be eaten every day - creamy soups, fatty meats with gravys and desserts every day. MIL and FIL have been telling my SIL that she is not helping stay at a healthy weight. But, SIL's main response is she will not put her child on a diet, because she will not deprive her child of what she likes to eat. She also says that she makes up to her for the days she had to spend at a Day Care, before they made a ton of money. Finally, she says that everyone in Atlanta is larger, to being larger will not affect the girl's self esteem.
I am baffled at this... first off, I am from Eastern Europe and our genes have been malnourished so much rarely ever you find an Eastern European with weight problems. Which makes me uninformed about what it is like to be bigger, and does not help here with understanding of my SIL's logic. I feel bad when I judge her... I feel that if not for the looks, then for the health reasons, she should care that her child is overweight because of bad eating habits. She definitely is right to teach her that her looks have nothing to do with who she is. At least she does that. But, and here goes my question to you: If this were you as a child, would you want you mother to build your self-esteem in addition to feeding you well? Or do you think that she is not doing anything wrong? I mean, she must know that her daughter is much bigger now, than 5 months ago because there was a picture on FB that her friend tagged her in, and the niece looks shockingly bigger (it's the angle at which she sits, and her pose), and my SIL untagged herself from it...
What do you think? I am just trying to wrap my head around it...
EDIT: another question: am I mean even thinking about this and trying to make sense of this? I don't want to be, it's just surprising to me.
Re: SIL, DH's niece and weight problems
This is a Very unhealthy attitude. Perhaps the Mother is subconsciously fattening the daughter up so she feels better about herself? Regardless of that, it is a horrible thing to so, setting her daughter up for a lifetime of ill health and an early grave.
Unfortunately I don't think there is much that you can do about it, except for setting a good example with your eating habits when you are around them.
I think it is horrendous when parents are in denial that their children are fat, plain and simple. I especially enjoy that your SIL pegs all of ATL as being fat and that's just not true. The niece could easily be made fun of in school because of her weight problem.
When I worked retail, I'd see huge parents walk into my store with huge kids. That's a problem. When a 4-year old (for example) weighs 60+ pounds, that's the parents' doing, not genetics. As we say here, if you feed yourself crap, you'll show it.
You don't sound mean, you sound concerned for the neice. I normally believe that when an adult caves into their child's every whim - in this case, foodwise, it just means that the adult doesn't actually want to parent. If SIL actually cared, she'd stop giving her daughter all that mess.
Do the creep.
Ummm no. You are not mean at all.
I completely disagree with your SIL's poor attitude about her daughter's weight. No one, adults included, has any reason to be overweight because of overeating. Period. You can control your portions on any budget and in fact produce isn't much more expensive then fast food, so to me, there is no excuse for bad eating choices.
Being larger from genetics; ok I get it. Some people just have larger bone structure, or the family is naturally just a little more curvy or what have you. Some people have thyroid problems, etc. That does not seem to be the case here.
Not caring, and not trying to instill good eating habits in your child, and saying that all of Atlanta is fat as an excuse is just pure laziness and stupidity. I honestly think it's a form of child abuse. Forget getting teased; what if this poor child has heart problems, or aches and pains due to excess weight in time?
You can be a positive role model for your niece by encouraging her to drink water instead of sodas, maybe have a cooking day where you two hang out and cook/bake healthier treats to get her taste buds used to a diet with less sodium and sugar (I'm guessing hers is full of it now, yes?)
And maybe see if she's interested in going for bikes rides, taking soccer or a dance class. Something to get her moving around on a regular basis. It would be a good bonding thing for you both too, if you're up for it. Ugh. Stuff like this bothers me a lot. :-(
Thank you for your comments, Ladies, and especially for your ideas on how to handle this.
DH and I are really careful when talking about food and overeating in front of the niece, because we realize that she may take it wrong, considering she is only 7 years old. The only thing DH said, was that he could not let her climb his back because he could no longer lift her. She was a little upset because they always had fun doing that. Seeing that he said that she is just a tall grown girl now, made a joke of it.
Something that really shocked me was the fact that her mother could not find a communion dress for her anywhere in the whole metro Atlanta, and my MIL had to make the dress herself. It came out really beautiful. I cannot believe MIL is so good at sewing. It took her 30 hours over two weeks to get it done. What I thought was that this would be like a tipping point for SIL - she would see that her child is overweight. But it did nothing. SIL was happy that MIL could add a personal touch to her dress.
SIL keeps telling everyone that it's not what the niece eats, but the lack of activity. She signed her up for swimming this summer (starting in June), so that should help. But I really believe that it's both. Yesterday they had a lot of pasta of different types for the niece's communion dinner. There was also chicken parm. The niece served herself her food and did not take any chicken, but pretty much overloaded her plate with the pastas. She also took seconds and thirds. When they served the cake, she got a really big piece, and took seconds too.
I mean, I understand what one of you said - that putting a child on a diet and restricting what she eats may really affect the way she feels about herself, but I am sure there is a way to do it tactfully, and in a way that she will not notice. For example, they can just switch to healthier foods altogether. Change normal pasta to whole weat pasta, etc. They can also ask the chef to only prepare meals that will be eaten at one time - so no chance for seconds, or portions that are too large.
I feel really bad for DH's parents, because they are the masters of healthy dieting. DH's mom was a nurse and she really pays attention to what she and her family eats. She does not want to worry about one of her grandchildren developing weight related illnesses, or even starting her menstruation much earlier, because of her body weight. And I feel bad for the niece, because it may be really hard for her to be accepted at school and not teased about her weight. Not to mention stay healthy. I really hate feeling so helpless - it's just not my place to tell SIL anything.
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