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Family Advice
So, I got married in March, but have been very involved with my husband's family for the past 3+ years. Anyway, my MIL lost her mother back in November. She will not deal with the grief and constantly just pretends it never happened. I know she won't eventually deal with it properly because after losing a newborn due to complications during delivery 15 years ago, rather than dealing with it or telling anyone about what had happened...she told friends nothing had happened and rather adopted a co-workers teenage daughter's newborn and pretended she was her actual child, not even actually coming out to family until recently because she felt guilty for telling me (because I straight up asked if she was adopted, she looks NOTHING like the other siblings whatsoever like my husband and his siblings are tall, blonde hair and blue eyes and stocky, and she has brown hair brown eyes and is short and itty bitty, also I have 6 adopted siblings and thought it was no big deal to ask or that it would be anything to hide) and not having told any of the other family members.
Now, that there has been another loss for my MIL, she has yet again pretended it never happened, even saying she's on vacation and then when she gets an odd look she mentions something about like "oh, I mean a vacation in heaven, enjoying herself". Now, that she has nothing to replace her mother with, like she did her child, I don't know if she'll ever get over it. I REALLY know she REALLY needs a grief counselor but whenever my husband mentions it, she starts getting very angry saying she isn't crazy and doesn't need help that she's perfectly fine.
She not dealing with her emotions about the matter has caused my husbands two sisters to not handle them either. One, the 15 year old now smokes over a pack a day WITH her mother's encouragement, and the 19 year old drinks heavily and both of them with their mother for lack of a better word, ruined my wedding by on our signature table (we took an old picnic table and had everyone paint pen their names and advice on it) the three of them wrote in huge letters across half of it, "WE MISS YOU MIMI!!! LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!!!! LOVE, [[their names]]" Yeah, now my amazing memory keepsake that I had been so proud of as my idea for the months before the wedding and bragged about to my friends and family because of how amazing I thought it would turn out, is sitting in my aunts barn because I don't want that at my house...it's just not warm and happy whatsoever. Then, every week since November on the day of her death, MIL changes her facebook picture to a picture of the deceased grandmother.
I just don't know what to do, and my husband doesn't want to push any more on her because she just gets so angry and is borderline verbally abusive to him so he just doesn't want to do anything. I just don't know how long this will go on, and she needs a major intervention for the sake of not only her but her two daughters.
Any advice would be VERY appreciated!!!
Thank you so much.
Re: Family Advice
At the end of the day, she's a grown woman and you can't make her go to grief counseling if she doesn't want to go. Your concerns have obviously been voiced. She hasn't taken your advice, so you need to let it go.
And you REALLY need to let go of the stupid picnic table thing. I'm not even sure how that 'ruins' the table, but seriously. It's a picnic table. It was a cheesy idea to begin with, so I don't really know what amazing keepsake you were expecting out of it that wouldn't be totally lame in a year when you realize that your wedding really wasn't that big of a deal.
As for your husband's sisters, I think that issue needs to be seriously addressed. Perhaps with law enforcement if necessary (at least on the part of the 15 year old chain smoker)
She's got it all wrong. A grief counselor helps people cope with loss and helps get closure; grief counselors are not for treatment of mental illness.
Churches and houses of worship have grief facillitators; so do secular groups.
She is indeed a bit nutty -- she encourages a child to smoke. So not cool. That's bordering on a case for CPS.
There's nothing wrong with this:
Then, every week since November on the day of her death, MIL changes her facebook picture to a picture of the deceased grandmother.
Lots of people do it in memory of a loved one.
The 2 teens need more guidance. Too bad somebody can't freely give it -- other than that, if your MIL bothers you so much, steer clear of her. Why do you want to buy into her nuttiness?
And no, you cannot force her to see a grief counselor or her clergyperson (if she's religious) for grief counseling.
Sounds like you aren't on s good terms with these people as you say you are.
Sounds like you hold a ton of resentment towards them all.
Leave it alone it isn't your business how she raises her kids or grieves.
If you dont want to go to her apt. anymore dont go.
I don't see how/if she grieves is any of your business, to be honest. It is weird to change her FB every week? Sure. But... that's obviously one way she is GRIEVING. But she does that and you think it's wrong...???
There are obviously issues at play - and I get your concern on some of the issues. But you're focusing on the wrong stuff here.
And the table... that ruined your wedding??? It was a crappy thing for them to do, but to say it ruined your wedding is a bit overly dramatic, don't you think?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So you actually had the balls to be SO RUDE as to ask if this woman's daughter was adopted JUST because she looks NOTHING like the rest of her family?
Who died and gave you the right to decide if/how a family discusses its' makeup? Were I your MIL, I would keep all of my emotional angst over my Mother's passing from you because you dont have enough tact, compassion, or basic manners to have that information.
If you really have proof that her young daughters are drinking and smoking, then I might consider calling a youth services number. Or if they confide this to you or your husband, encourage them to talk to a school counselor or a priest or someone else who can help them.
Everything else - you need to butt out. The Facebook pictures make absolutely no difference in any of your lives, and it's none of your business how people grieve a loss.
The picnic table thing is utterly ridiculous, and you were WAY out of line to ask if one of the kids was adopted. WAY out of line. Chill out.
I'm sorry they ruined a wedding keepsake. That does suck. :-(
With regards to the kids, particulary the 15 year old, that's a pretty serious thing. I would have your husband talk to her and if the behavior continues, then I would involve the authorities.
The FB picture is probably her way of keeping her mom's memory alive.
The child thing is sad because she's not dealing with her feelings and it will probably cause problems when the child grows up (Oh, I'm basically a replacement baby? You didn't want ME? Etc) but let that go for now.
Good luck!