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I suppose I just need to vent...
Life has been crazy lately (by lately, I mean the last 2-3 months or so). Dad had emergency open heart surgery (repair/replace two valves) in early March, with a long, slow, difficult recovery. Mom stayed with me and my husband during that time mostly because her health is failing and she can't live alone. The time was rough because, due to several previous strokes, she now has memory/mental/emotional problems which she tends to take out on me. Also found out I'm losing my job at the end of this month just a couple of weeks ago, completely unexpectedly. And my only current job offer is about a 12-hour drive away from my husband and his current job, which we can't afford to lose, so we're grappling with doing the whole long-distance thing again. And finally, my mom has surgery scheduled for the end of the week for a massive, incision-site hernia from aortic aneurysm surgery she had a few years ago. Needless to say, things have been hectic in my life.
This past Saturday, my husband and were out in our yard working for most of the day. Come in around 5 pm to find several (5 or 6 at least) phone calls from my mom on both of our cell phones, starting around 2 pm. Also, a voicemail that basically said "this is the last message I'll ever leave you, you're not my daughter any more since you can't be bothered to pick up the phone or make plans with me for Mothers Day. You have two days to pick up your stuff or I'm putting it out on the curb." Similar voicemail on my husband's phone from my dad saying they weren't speaking to us any longer.
Now, in my family, we don't make a big deal about holidays or celebrating them on the actual holiday itself. For example, for my 30th birthday this year, my parents didn't make plans to see me, and just sent a card and a check. It's fine, no biggie, but my plans for Mothers Day were a card and a phone call, especially since we were planning to drive up on Thursday for my mom's surgery (it's a 1.5-2 hour drive each way).
My mom's message hurt a lot, but I know she isn't always rational due to her mental issues and she was basically throwing a temper tantrum to try and get my attention. I'm honestly kind of used to this behavior from her, and I don't think it's really under her control. My dad's message, on the other hand, was much worse. I feel like he should know better. I am sure my mom fed him some story about why I was such a horrible daughter, but he knows how my mom is and he still believed her. I feel like I'm his daughter, he knows me and he should give me the benefit of the doubt.
My mom eventually apologized to me after several hours on the phone trying to explain to her that I wasn't sitting next to my phone ignoring it as she had thought, but I was working outside and didn't know she had called, and she finally admitted that not being able to reach me for 3 hours doesn't constitute a valid reason for disowning me. This is a huge step for her, because usually when she's nasty to me she will never admit any wrong doing or apologize. I have forgiven her. But my dad is now acting like nothing ever happened - he has not apologized for the nasty message he left on my husband's phone, or even mentioned it. I am still very angry at him, and I plan to talk to him about it. I understand why he feels the need to support my mom, but he can't just throw me under the bus. My husband is not sure he can forgive him, and honestly if it were to happen again I'm not sure I could, either.
I guess I just needed to get that out. And see if my feelings about my dad and my plan to confront him about his behavior are reasonable. And to see if any else has to deal with parents like mine and has advice on how to do so.
Thanks for reading, I know this is a long one.
Re: I suppose I just need to vent...
Wow, your family sounds a lot like mine. Very black and white and final when they argue. Either you are "dead to them" or they love you and you're the best. I haven't exactly found a way to deal with the rollercoaster yet, but I will say this:
Know yourself. Know that you are a good person, and you do your best to be a good daughter. If that's not enough for them, don't let it drive you crazy. I would talk to my dad if I were you, and let him know how much it hurt you that he jumped to conclusions. Not sure if it will make him more rational in the future (probably not). But if you don't tell him, then you miss even the small chance he might remember this and be able to talk your mom down next time around.
Thanks for your response. My family is very black and white, though I always seem to be on the "you're dead to us" end of the spectrum. Or at least the "you're a horrible daughter" end, anyway. My current counselor has been very helpful in recognizing their behavior, particularly my mom's, as emotional abuse. Realizing that has been quite the revelation for me. Now we're in the stage of trying to get me to the point of it not bothering me as much - it is not easy.
I am planning to talk to my dad, and in the way you suggest. For the reason you suggest, in fact. I have to try. Currently, when I speak to him on the phone, he acts as if nothing bad ever happened. That's the worst part. I plan to speak to him later this week, when I see him in person. We'll see how that goes.
Good luck in dealing with your own family, although it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on it. Thanks again!