Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FH family
what do u do when you cant stand your fh family? it is getting bad and I don't want to not like them but I cant help it
Re: FH family
Is this stemming from the post below or is there more?
A lot of what you said below sounded like it came from #1- your H not standing up to his family. You really need to sit down with him and discuss how you will be affected by his continuance to allow such big financial obligations to please his family. If you two are going to be a family- you HAVE to be united on the IL front or you'll be miserable forever.
The only fights my H and I have ever had are about 1) His Family, 2) Money. Many times both of those went hand-in-hand. My H and I worked out a plan to keep his family from impacting our NEW family. We are more important to us than him pleasing his family. I can't stand my ILs- after a LONG series of bad things- I have told my H that I will support him in whatever he wants to do re: having a relationship with them- but that I do not personally want a relationship with them... he's on team Me.
It was not an easy road, and took a couple of years, but we've actually almost completely cut his family out of our lives (he calls them from time to time, and sees them at family reunions- but that's it).
So you and your FH need to sit down together and talk about BOTH of your feelings, and try to come to some sort of mutual decision. Otherwise, I'd reconsider having your FH as your FH- because you matter too.
You set bonderies and stick to them. Or you move far enough away that you rarely see them.
As someone pointed out in your other post, this will not magically change when you get married so you need to address this as soon as possible or I would reconsider if I really wanted to get married to this guy
The only thing that is going to lead to change is your FH setting boundaries and standing up to his family (it sounds like it is just his mother). If he cannot do that you are going to have a lifetime of this.
Moving far away won't make her FI magically sprout the balls he desperately needs.
I never it said would. It just makes handling some IL's a bit easier. Distance can not work miracles. Lol
I admit I answered here, before I read her other post.
This was completely what I meant!!!!!!!!!!
From reading your 2 posts, seems to me like everyone is telling you something you don't want to hear. Everyone who has responded is telling you that the real problem here is your FH, but you're determined to continue thinking that it's his parents and family.
Listen, kiddo -- the real problem is NOT his family.
Unless you start looking at the real issue here -- your FH's inability to stand up to his family -- you're going to be living in a world of pain.
I would start by talking about the major issue that seems to come from FH's family - money.
You and your FH need to be on THE SAME PAGE when it comes to money. Currently, you are not. His family is greedy, selfish, and demanding, because nobody ever said no to them, particularly your FH.
My mother would NEVER in 10 million years ask for a $1,000 gift. EVER! However, your fMIL had no problem asking/demanding one, knowing that her two younger children were in college, and your FH would be the one to make the purchase. I'm sure over the years your fh has been pretty generous with them. And generousity is a great qualitiess - - but not if they have no boundries.
Start by setting boundries of your own. Your fILS didn't pay you back, so you will no longer pick up anything that you need to be reimbursed for. Only collect money up front, or don't help them at all. And if your FH keeps bankrolling his family, you'll have to keep your money separate from his. He'll have to put money into an account to pay bills first, and help out his family out of his "fun money,"
1. You tell your man things better change and if they dont you leave.
2. You tell your man things better change and if they dont you leave.
3. You do NOT marry him for a long time AFTER you have seen the changes.
4. You do NOT marry him until a long time has passed AFTER he has made supposed changes.
5. This will NOT get better.
You really think to yourself: Do you really want to live the rest of your life this way? Because the PP is correct. This will NOT get better!
I once had to ask myself the same question. After some soul searching.. my answer was no. I packed my bags, walked out and never looked back.
And I've never been happier....