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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Help! I officially can't stand my FH family
I do not know what to do. Last night was just the icing on the cake...My FH kindly asked me to pick up his family's take out for mothers day. This included my order, his 2 brothers, father, mother and aunt. The bill came to $100. I thought "No Biggie, they will pay me when I get to their house." Well I get there and no one offers me a dime and my FH whispers in my ear, "I'll go to the ATM and pay you back." Well I didn't want his money, I want his families, they should contribute also, after all it is his mother's mother's day dinner. Then, my future mother in law kept making comments such as "Thanks a lot for cooking guys, exactly what I wanted was sea food take out...this is gross!" (I thought it was excellent) It made me feel extremely uncomfortable and the whole rest of the night she had a piss face on..Earlier in the week my FH and I got into an argument because his mother asked for a $1000 flat screen TV for mother's day. Even thought he was going to split it with his brothers, I think she has a lot of nerve asking them for that. His brothers are still in college and my FH is working part time because he recently got laid off. His family knows we are broke and trying to save. I just don't understand and I am worried my FH will continue catering to his and her every need when they are married. They pull things like this all of the time. We had the same argument Christmas when his mother asked for an IPOD and an IPOD system to be installed in her car. (It came to be $550 and this was the time when we had a lot of our wedding planning bills due.) My Fh is such a nice guy and they just take advantage.
Re: Help! I officially can't stand my FH family
You don't need to do anything except make your husband stand up to his family. Gifts are something you buy for someone because you want to. No one can dictate the gifts they receive. If anyone asks for a gift that you two cannot afford, you have to make that decision together and stick to it. Buy the person something you can afford, and stick to your decision. If it is someone in your H's family, and he or she objects, he needs to deal with it and not give in.
As far as the food bill goes, I think their behavior was fairly rude. Your H should have said something to his family such as - the bill was $x, and everyone owes $y. I'm not sure what you or he feels comfortable doing at this point, since it would appear from the fact that neither of you requesting money at the time that it was a gift. I would have trouble asking to be repaid after the fact. However, in the future, don't offer to pick up the tab for something for his family unless you've figured out the bill in advance. Again, something your H should be doing since it's his family.
Bottom line - you and he need to get on the same page about money and his family, and then he needs to stand up to them and stick to your joint decisions. Good luck.
They can only get away with what your fiance lets them. If you think it bothers you now, wait until you're married because THIS WILL NOT CHANGE after you say "I do."
Either put the wedding on hold until your FI grows a pair and quits giving in to them or prepare to live this way for the rest of your life.
Agreed! I lived through this.... it is not fun, it will not make you happy. You cannot change anyone, not your FI and not his family.
It stinks if they didn't offer to pay for the cake, but you guys should've settled all of that ahead of time. More appropriately, your FI should have gotten the money from them ahead of time, or agreed with you that it'd be a gift from the two of you. Lesson learned - they're not going to pay you back for anything, so don't front them any money unless you are O.K. with not getting it back. If they want you to pick something up for them, just reply with either, "O.K., give me the cash and I'll go get it," or "Sorry but I won't be available to do that" and don't provide any further explanation or discussion.
FMIL was rude to comment on the food that was provided to her, but all you had to say was, "Sorry you feel that way. If you want to be in charge of the food for the next event, that'd be fine." And then kept eating if you were personally enjoying it. FMIL will stop whining if she doesn't get the attention that she clearly craves ... but if she doesn't, then your FI should say, "Mom, you're clearly not feeling that well, so it's best if Laura and I go home. We'll talk to you soon" and then the two of you should get up, politely say goodbye and walk out. People like her just want others to bend over backward to appease them, or to beg forgiveness, or to constantly ask her what's wrong while she pouts. Don't give her that satisfaction. Stay polite but ignore her.
Your mother-in-law can ask for anything she wants (yes, it's rude), but you and your husband do not have to cave in to her desires. If your husband is buying her these expensive gifts, then your problem is 100% with HIM, not her. All he has to say is, "Mom, that's not in our budget. We have a very nice gift planned for you, so let's not ruin the surprise." If his mother complains that she wants the expensive gift, then your husband can reply, "Sorry you feel that way, Mom. If you'd rather not accept the gift we have planned for you, then we'll return it" and then he should hang up the phone or walk out of the house.
Yes, they might be taking advantage of your husband, but your husband is the only one to blame if he allows it to happen. NO is not a dirty word. The sooner he puts a stop to their demands, the better ... otherwise, you are in for a lifetime of him putting Mommy's wishes in front of yours, and spending all of your collective money on things for her. You need to put your wedding plans on the back burner for now and work on this problem ... and if he won't man up and tell his mother to knock it off, then you either have to end the relationship or accept that Mommy is always going to come first in his life, ahead of you.
#1. Your FI will keep doing everything he is doing now after your wedding. Nothing about his behavior will change because you are married. If you do not like this now you need to put the wedding on hold, or call it off all together. If you are, in any way, going into this wedding expecting that something is going to change post-wedding, you are going to be very, very disappointed.
#2. Your FI is not getting taken advantage of because he is nice. His parents are getting all that they can from him/out of him because he is incapable of saying no to them. He should have had a plan for the dinner cost before you paid for it. He should have said that he was sorry, a TV was not in his budget even if split amongst the siblings. He should have done only what he could afford to do. His in ability to say no to his parents is the problem here. (Refer back to point #1 on that.)
Good luck.
$1,000.00 flat screen tv for mother's day? Holly fvck!
My two daughters pick in together and get me a gift for no more then $40.00. I DON'T NEED anything more then that. What a gready b!tch. I wouldn't spend that kind of money.
I am worried my FH will continue catering to his and her every need when they are married.
Your FH will DEFINITELY pull the same thing when you are married. Do you think it will magically stop after he says i do?
Your H needs to grow a set and tell his mommy no. Unless he starts now you will eventually run out of patience and it will liekly ruin your marriage.
You should worry about this because it's going to continue long after your wedding. Be glad though he did not cave and buy her the TV, but still he considered it. His family sounds greedy and rude. He sounds like he doesn't know how to put your relationship first and until then don't rush down the aisle. This is a big red flag!
You should have taken the food off the table and said well then maybe it's best we don't continue this meal. I'd be damned it I would let them put another bite of anything I bought in their mouths.
Do her children usually cook meals for her? Does somebody have any talent in cooking? Why did she expect someone to cook her a meal? Frankly, she sounded like she was really complaining about not getting a fancy restaurant meal. What a witch.
Think of it this way, it cost you $100 bucks to learn that these people are cheap and she's a complainer. Now, you won't pay out of pocket for anything ever again. And you certainly won't waste your money on anything remotely nice for your fMIL becuase she'll just complain about it.
Lesson learned. Now don't expect differently.
Unfortunately, you're going to have to live with this unless your FH grows a pair.
I don't have a problem with your FH wanting to pay for dinner. Why should his mother have had to pay for her present (the dinner) from her kids? Maybe you should be annoyed his brothers didn't chip in, but that's his fault for not making sure his brothers were in on the dinner and collecting the money himself.
Your MIL sounds like a jerk for being so critical of the dinner, but you can't do anything about that. She just sounds like a whiner.
Now about the extravagant gifts. You need to put your foot down NOW! Tell your FH in no uncertain terms that you will not be getting extravagant gifts for his mother once you are married. So he had better learn now to say no when she wants something outside of your price range. He should have responded with something like, "wow, mom, I'm sorry, but that is way beyond what I can afford. What store is the TV at? I'll get you a gift card to that store to offset the cost when you buy it."
Good lord. Don't marry this guy until these issues are sorted out.
Indeed -- asking you to help chip in for a gif that's already beyond your financial means despite the tab being split?
He shuld have told them,, "Guys, count us out; that's too steep for us" and they should have butted out right there.
Please make sure he starts standing up to them and now. I'd make it a must and have the continuance of the relationship rely upon his taking your side as a team.
Don't marry this guy until he mans up and stands up; joint premarital counseling for you and for him would be ideal.
Nice guys finish last. Time for him to start being a rat fink. Good luck.
I agree!! My Mom would be LIVID if we spent that kind of $$ on her.
So a bouquet of roses and a box of candy doesn't tickle her pickle?
Talk about greed and and entitlement complex.
Have you spoken to your FI about his past handling of monies when it comes to family? Habits engrained in a family dynamic are sometimes hard to recognize (or recognize the degree) and can be difficult to break.
I would have only anticipated being reimbursed by the individual who asked me to pick up the food in the first place; however, I do realize that this is not the norm and there's a whole lot of history that may have indicated you could expect cash from individual family members. I'm picturing that you weren't with the group when the original request was made (so cash wasn't collected by you at that time) but you were "in route" and could pick things up as a courtesy. Was there a point when you read the receipt while handing out the containers of food? "Bill, you ordered the 2-piece fish basket. That's $9.00" and then held the basket while waiting for the cash? Anyway, it's an idea.
I come from a background where people don't ask for specific gifts, so the request for a television would have thrown me - a request for a 1K television probably would have illicited a laugh of complete disbelief. Remember, just because someone asks for something does not obligate you/your FI to buy it or to go in debt for it. Since the gift scenario has been played out before (and you have years of this ahead of you), maybe compromising with your FH would be good - he can go in with his brothers on any gift she asks for, but has a personal contribution limit of $50. Maybe putting the same type of deal in place when it comes to giving gifts to *any* member of either family...that a $50 limit for individual gifts is a max period, and that you set aside money for holidays?
sounds like he has one KLASSY family.
Grown adults who complain about a meal served to them deserve NEVER to have it done for them again.
Grown adults who actually ask for presents are uber klassy.
His Mom is a spoiled brat. Next year for Mother's day get her a Mother's Day card and a $ 10 gift card to Target. That's about all she deserves. Let her make a piss face.
Next time don't buy carryout for dinner without collecting money from everyone in ADVANCE. That was very rude of them to stiff you.
I would also reconsider marrying your FI, sounds like he is a Momma's boy that caters to his Mother and puts her first. Your going to be broke because he is going to be spending all his money on her.
mbcdefg - I really liked your post.
Op - It doesnt change once you get married just because you are married. Work on it now. My inlaws are not like yours and my husband really does it just to be a nice guy (nobody asked for it), it doesnt change unless he sees some reason this might be a problem. If he is big on saving for a home, maybe that would be something he would understand - a $1,000 isnt not reasonable when he is working part time and trying to save for a house and wedding.
I have to agree with what everyone else has said about this behavior not changing once you're married. I am a newlywed, and I saw signs of trouble with my husband's family when we started planning the wedding (similar issues to the original post, though involving the siblings, with the parents enabling).
I had hoped my husband would start standing up to them, but he hasn't. Now, I never even want to be around them, and I'm sure it's going to start causing problems, as we've already skipped a few family events due to the drama caused by his siblings. I'm a very outspoken person by nature, but I tried to keep my mouth shut and be nice during all of the wedding planning so as not to be immediately hated or seem like a bridezilla. Now, I wish I had put them in their place to begin with, because I'm so bitter about all the wedding stuff, and you add all the new drama they constantly bring, and it's a recipe for an explosion on my part.
Talk to your FH NOW.