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WWYD - wedding gift?
We got invited to my cousin's wedding. We received the invite on Friday (May 6) and the wedding is on May 14. In Alabama. Obviously, we're not attending because we can't make travel plans & take time off work with 8 days notice.
My cousin just got engaged about 3-4 weeks ago, and I knew they were planning to have a very small wedding, and it would be a really short engagement, so I wasn't even expecting to get invited.
It seems painfully obvious that we were just invited in order to get a gift from us. I'm sure they're not expecting us to attend given the short notice, in fact, there's no information in the invite on how to even RSVP to attend the wedding.
I'm not close to this cousin and haven't seen her in almost 10 years. She was invited to my wedding, but didn't attend, didn't bother to RSVP, and didn't send a gift. Well, technically, her name was on the card with the gift from her parents (my aunt & uncle), but it was a $24.99 gift from our registry and it was supposed to be from 5 adults, all who are very well-off financially. So, even if she contributed to the gift, it was probably $5 or something, which is pretty small given that she's a highly-paid attorney and could definitely afford more than $5 toward a wedding gift.
On one hand, I feel like I should send a wedding gift because I was invited to the wedding.
On the other hand, I feel like we were only invited to get a gift which irritates me.
So ... given this situation ... if you were me, would you send a wedding gift?
If yes, what kind of gift and how much would you spend? I have no idea where (or if) they're registered, and I don't know her well enough to pick out something she'd like.
Mr. Sammy Dog
Re: WWYD - wedding gift?
Considering the late invitation, I would not send a gift. Obviously, she isn't expecting you to attend since you couldn't even RSVP. I know etiquette says you're supposed to anyway, but I would be annoyed just by the fact that it's so obvious she's being gift-grabby.
i would do this. just because it shows that you have a little more class than she does and it always feels good to have done the "right" thing.
Would it cause any ill-will or family drama if you didn't send a gift?
Personally, I would not. When it comes to my cousins (none of whom I am close to), I've sort of reached my limit of gift-giving. I used to send gifts for weddings, baby showers, bridal showers - everything - but when it just seemed that I was invited for the purpose of a gift or out of a "must invite every family member no matter what" type thing, I got sick of it. And sick of spending $40 on a gift for a knocked-up barely 20, single girl and then getting no thank you in return - or stressing out about a second-wedding gift for the cousin who did not bother to RSVP or come to my wedding even though the rest of her family did.
If I was actually attending the wedding/shower, it would be different - but last minute invitations that are obviously gift-grabby will get thrown in the garbage without a second thought.
But I also don't have a very close relationship wtih my extended family and especially with my cousins, so maybe your situation is different . .
ETA - - the above sounds REALLY harsh and bitchy, I know . . . but, for reasons I won't get into, sending a gift to support something that I really did not support in my mind or heart,was just something I could not do.
You could send her a wedding card if you want to send her something. Or, you could send nothing and if they ask say you were confused since there was no RSPV information. If you is a well to do lawyer, maybe she was sending them out for some kind of political reason and not just to get a gift.
I would at least send a card, because it's a nice thing to acknowledge someoene's wedding. I might send a small gift as well--for some distant cousins I have, and for some I haven't, just depending on the circumstances and how well I knew them.
Is there any chance that she might have been treating the late invitation as more of an "announcement" and just didn't think about how it might have been perceived? I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt, although I agree this comes across as fairly tacky.
????
psssst... It's "you ARE" not "you IS"
***
OP: I think in this case I would send a card with $20 in it.
Yeesh! Give the girl a break - it is probably a typo and was intended to be "If she is . . . "
I'd send a card with some nice thoughts (a poem or verse or something).
I'm just poutting it in perspective using my relationship with my cousins (three of which are married and I personally, did not receive an invite to any of them. One was due to family drama though.)
It's more thought than she put into your gift...
Ack! You're right . Sorry PP.
I was just editing a word document so my brain is on high alert for grammar errors!
If you feel that it is a grab for gifts, then don't send anything. If you want to be the bigger person, send a card and a gift card for $20. If it were me, I'd send a card wishing them luck with their marriage.
I would do this.
My Bio
Married Bio
My cousin and I got married a week apart. I invited her knowing that she wouldn't make it since she was on her honeymoon. I assume that she knew we weren't going to come out to MD a week before our wedding.
Alas, we invited each other (not such short notice, though) and responded with gifts. She now has a beautiful baby that I sent a gift out for, although we weren't included in any of the pre-baby festivities. No hard feelings.
In your situation, I would just send a card and $20.
I agree. She probably won't give it a second thought no metter what you do.