Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
keeping a spouse that cheated
here's my situation. I have been married for about 5 years and with my wife for about 9. I am an active duty member of the us navy and found out a month ago that my wife had a brief affair with another man while I was away in training. I have never cheated on her despite having tons of chances and having been on 2 deployments. It was an ex from like 10 years ago. Let me say this again. Ten years ago!!! The way i found out was from the sexting and texting that i saw on her phone. The texting started about 7 months ago. The sex occured last month while i was training in san diego. She had no choice to admit it because the proof was in the pudding. Of course i was devasted at the time. When i found out, she begged for me to keep her. I think she knew what she was going to lose. I decided to work things out if she stopped any further contact. A week later, i found out that she texted him again to apologize. I did not understand the point in that. Why does he deserve an apology? I was the one hurt, along with our kids. I almost sent her out of my house. I again, decided to keep to her around because of the love i have always had for her and the 3 young kids that we have together. The other man knew that my wife was married, had 3 kids, and still decided to go after her. Last night, i finally had it in me to make love to her again. It was not the same to her and i can tell. Couples can tell if something is kind of off with each other ya know. It seemed like a chore for her. Any advice on that aspect and being able to overcome her infidelity would be deeply appreciated.
Re: keeping a spouse that cheated
I'm not sure how you can overcome her infidelity if she's continuing to violate your trust. It was only a week after she promised not to contact him again that she contacted him again.
Have you gone to marriage counseling?
First off, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. That sounds absolutely devastating.
After all that time, it's a shame to find out about the infidelity.
I think those who suggested therapy are right. It's great that you want to work things out, especially being that you're the one who was betrayed. I think if she doesn't put the effort into therapy then she's no longer invested in your marriage, and ultimately doesn't deserve you. I sincerely hope things work out for you both. It's going to take lots of time to rebuild the trust.
Do I personally think I could stay in a marriage with a spouse that cheated... No. If you want to try: Marriage Counseling...
But I can tell you something else.... your use of the word "KEEP" is really not sitting well with me.... She is a person.... you don't get to KEEP people.
And the other Phrase of MY HOUSE..... ummmm.... yeah.... you are married that is HER house too..... You don't get to boss her around.
Now I am not saying what she did was right.... because I don't agree with it either.... but you don't really sound like little Mr. Innocent Victim either.
Again if you want to try to work things out: Marriage Counseling.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Your wife doesnt want to stay with you, she is just too scared to leave.
If it were a brief affair i dont think sed be sending the apology text!
You need counseling for yourself. You ne4ed to find out why you think you deserve this treatment.
I am a pretty big advocate of trying to fix things if you both have your hearts in the right place. However, the fact that she texted the guy a week later apologizing TO HIM, tells me that she does not. I'd leave.
And FWIW, the fact that the other guy knew that she was married with kids is irrelevant in my opinion. She chose it, she cheated, she failed as a wife. He didn't.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Been there, tried that. I felt the same as you. I was cheated on a few times by just boyfriends and tried to work it out. I understand you are married, have kids, etc. I couldn't and wouldn't be able to keep a spouse that cheated on me. Especially that she is still violating your trust.
If it would put your mind at ease.... go to the marriage counseling.... you will take a better look at the relationship and make a choice you feel confident about. Marriage Counseling a lot times helps.... and sometimes it just makes you realize that you cannot live this way and choose to get a divorce.... And that is okay too. Either way you will know that you made the right decision for you..... I say that since it seems that you are on the fence....
Again.... Best of Luck to you....
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
If you want to stay with her- definitely seek out Marriage Counseling. It sucks that she did that to you- and I'm sorry
But if you really want your marriage to work, try counseling first and see where she is on the situation. Just know- your relationship will never be the same- it will be different. It might end up good in the end, but the transition is probably going to be tough. Good luck in whatever you choose.
The ladies here who will tell you Once a cheater always a cheater.
It very well could be possible she never got over the former boyfriend. Sorry for your troubles.
She knew what she was going to lose? Nope; she was crying because she got caught. She knew what she would have been losing when she decided to have an affair.
Get tested, protect your assets and file. Sorry this happened to you.
I'll say this. I think the only chance you have of repairing the marriage would be to go to marriage counseling. So, if that's even an option you want to consider, you need to go.
I think divorce is probably inevitable though. You won't be able to trust her again. And that's not something most people want hanging over their heads in a marriage. Every time you leave town or are away, you'll worry that she's contacting another man. She already ignored your totally justified request to cut off all contact with the other man, and she couldn't do that. That shows that she's just not willing to work on the marriage.
And I can't believe you're worried about the sex not being the same for her. I'm not sure I'd even be able to have sex with my husband if he cheated. I certainly hope she was tested before you resumed sexual relations.
In a nutshell, I think this is too big a hurdle to overcome, but your only shot is marriage counseling.
I don't get the apology - what exactly did she apologize for? Was she thinking she was being noble apologizing for her end of the affair? Or apologizing for how abruptly it ended and hurt feelings between them? Don't get me wrong, for me the apology would have been a violation of the terms between us - but one is a little more workable than the other *if* you personally can get past it and trust her.
My brother has twice been married and had children with women who were unfaithful. Both times my brother tried to sincerely swallow whatever it was that was inside of him and push for the relationship to work - especially the second time as loosing the first child during the divorce absolutely killed him. In neither case was the woman repentant as in both genuinely sorry and genuinely willing to put their money where their mouth was. Both women went on to be married again, and both have cheated (one even having kids) with men other than their second husbands.
On the other hand, there is a beautiful testimony on my husband's side of the family where an affair (I believe right at the 11 year mark) was discovered by the husband. The marriage was troubled before, there were "reasons" that compelled (not excused!) the affair and there was no absolute way anyone saw the marriage surviving. The difference was that these "reasons" were recognized (not accepted as blame!) and the husband was determined that divorce was not going to be part of his children's upbringing - he was *fortunate* that his wife was both truly repentant and willing to lay down everything to follow her husband's leading in the restoration of their marriage. It turned out incredibly healthy and are *the* strongest knit marriages I've ever witnessed, with three adult children in solid, healthy and monogamous marriages of their own.
You have to decide which kind of partner your wife is if you are still willing to try. I personally do not think I could get over the mental and emotional betrayal, even seeing the positive end-result in my husband's family. But divorce or trying is something only you can decide *you* can do What she's going to do is going to be a gamble.
Basically, I would suggest seeing a therapist together and by yourself. I would also suggest seeing an attorney to discuss your options. But don't rush that decision unless your wife forces your hand (you'll know what I mean if that happens.). And the good news is filin for divorce doesn't mean you have to get divorced. The worst part of the whole thing was when I felt powerless.
Take care and good luck whatever you decide.
First of all, it is HER fault she cheated. No one can make someone else cheat. I would never be able to trust my spouse again. Also you seem like a terrific guy and you deserve better.
Keep in mind children pick up on things we don't think they will. Do not teach your children to put up with that behavior. Teach them to respect themselves enough to set boundaries.
So sorry that you have to deal with a cheating spouse. That has to be super hurtful.
The problem with affairs is the trust is broken. The person who has been cheated on always wonders why, and if it will happen again.
Deep down there is usually a reason why someone strays whether they think there is or not. Maybe it was an emotional connection she had with this person, maybe it was something else.
The fact of the matter is, I think you need marriage therapy to get down to what is broken in your relationship on both ends and start working on it. The talking in therapy will help you both understand eachother more like you probably did in the beginning of your relationship.
If it were me, Id tell my spouse that Im still committed to them, and love them but put the ultimatum that they HAVE to end things with the other person, no texting , no emailing, no calling or seeing. Next the ultimatum to start couples therapy. If she cant meet you in the middle on that, its going to be hard for you to work it out.
It will also help to give you time to figure out if you really can ever trust again, if you know in your heart of hearts you cant, its probably better to end things.