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Getting over disappointment
I lurk more than I post, but I really need to get this off of my chest.
A week before Mother's Day, I thought it was a really good idea to send a dozen chocolate covered strawberries to my mother in law. DH and I sent a dozen for her and my FIL for Valentine's Day. MIL loved them and said no one had ever done that for her before. By the way, they are snow birds and live in Florida during the winter and come back home to MA in the Spring.
I went ahead and bought her a mother's day card, one from us, as a couple and one from the kids. My brother in law, although a decent guy, is not thoughtful in this kind of way so I told him that I went ahead and put his name on the strawberry order and if he wanted to, he could chip in toward the cost (which he did).
My mother in law received the strawberries late Saturday night. I kept tracking the shipment during the day....I guess really excited and knowing she would call us to let us know they had been received. Long story short, my husband called her early Sunday (Mother's Day) and she seemed really happy. She thanked him and made no mention of me (I guess she did not know she was on speaker phone). Before she hung up, she said she would be calling my brother in law to thank him.
I must say, she and FIL did send me a mother's day card which I received last Friday (same day she received hers). Well, I did not talk to her again until yesterday. My husband had been a little sick so she called, and no word of a lie, she said "How is he doing?" (never mind "how are you? How are the girl's? How was your Mother's Day?") I told her that he was better but laying down at the moment. She said she would let me go since I was probably busy with the girls. No acknowledgement, no thank you, nothing for the strawberries. Truthfully, it really disappointed me. She could not possibly think this all was something both of her sons came up with. In fact, had it not been for me, she would not have even received a card for Mother's Day.
I'm just a little hurt. I'll get over it but this doesn't seem like one of those things you just "forget" to thank someone for.
Re: Getting over disappointment
she thanked your DH, which to many - thanking one person of a couple is thanking both of them, and you even say she didn't know you were on the line. Why hadn't you spoken up at all before then anyhow? Or were you purposely being silent to see what she would say?
And then when she called, did you ask her about HER Mothers Day? Or (again) were you waiting to see what she would say?
In the end, Mohers Day is at nice day but it's not an "all that" day. Not a single person has asked me "how was your Mothers Day?" nor have I asked that of anyone else.
I kind of think there is more to this story and you're looking for things to get upset about with her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would guess that she thought she was thanking you when she thanked your H. I think you are overreacting.
If you really want to hear a specific to you thank you for the strawberries, ask her how she liked them. If you want to talk to her when she calls, start a conversation. Say you have a minute to talk and ask how she is. She will likely reciprocate with questions of her own.
You were the one who volunteered to put BIL's name on the card just because he doesn't do things the way you do. (IMO that doesn't make him any more or less thoughtful because he doesn't act the same way you do) She called and thanked her son and her other son. I agree that should be enough.
Why are you going out of your way here? Do you have a pattern of doing this and then not getting credit/thanks that you think you deserve? I agree with ECB that there has to be more to the story here.
I think you are getting into a huff about nothing at all. She thanked your H which to most people would mean "thanks to both of you" even if your name wasn't mentioned exactly.
It sounds like your Il's are pretty good people. She doesn't sound like she's intentionality not thanking you, and really if you're giving things just so you can get the credit for it, then you're probably doing it for the wrong reasons anyway.
As for the phone call, I wouldn't be worrying about that either. The circumstances were a little weird since your H was sick, if it's a common thing to have her call and bypass you to ask how your H is that's one thing, but if this is pretty much a one time thing then I'd leave it.
Then don't do it again. Let the boys fall-down on their gift to their mom and let her go without whatever you would have thought to send.
Problem solved.
And did you thank your FIL separately from your MIL? Didn't he have his name on the card, too?
And while she seemed to rush you off the phone for your sake (maybe insincerely?) you could have said, "No, not at all, the girls are settled. I want to hear about your chocolate strawberries. Did you like them as much as last time? I was hoping they'd be just as good when I ordered them."
Thank you livinitup and vjcjenn1. And to the rest, I most certainly did not expect to be bowed down to by his mother, but an acknowledgement that the gift had been received would have sufficed.
DH called her on the morning of Mother's Day and although he did put her on speaker phone, I was upstairs with the baby (sound travels, you know) so I did not get to add anything to the conversation.
Anytime we give my mom, or a mutual friend (which we also sent something to an older woman we know who is like a mom to me) it was followed up with a phone call and both were appreciative and asked that I share with DH how happy they were with the gift. I should have probably handled it differently when she called and asked her about it at that time.
This is looking for something to be offended about. It's clear she's thanked you for gifts in the past. She's not a ungrateful wench.
You get over the disappointment by realizing you're overreacting.
She thanked him and made no mention of me (I guess she did not know she was on speaker phone). Before she hung up, she said she would be calling my brother in law to thank him.
The latter sounds like you were right there. Not upstairs. Especially as you know what she did and didn't say.
And we are all saying that she DID acknowledge the gift was received - to your DH! It's a box of strawberries. Is it really necessary to call and talk to YOU too (and seperately, since you were upstairs) over a box of strawberries?
Honestly- you're still nit-picking.
both were appreciative and asked that I share with DH how happy they were with the gift.
So his mom didn't SAY "tell nancy I appreciate the gift". Maybe she assumed that since he's a grown man who can think for himself that he would say to you "Hey- my mom says thanks for the strawberries!". At this point you're getting pissed off that his mom doesn't say things the same way your mom does....
The fact that you know what was and wasn't said so well but yet you weren't in the room, either your DH gives way too many details OR you were asking "So, what did she say? Did she specifically mention me?". If it's the latter, then it's clear you're LOOKING for stuff to be pissed at.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
In general, yes, I agree with what's already been said, but I noticed something else in your post.
"My husband had been a little sick so she called, and no word of a lie, she said "How is he doing?" (never mind "how are you? How are the girl's? How was your Mother's Day?")"
You seem to be reaching for something beyond the initial, "I wasn't thanked for the Mother's Day gift." Did the Mother's Day gift trigger a deeper emotional response? Maybe you would like to have more of a personal relationship with your MIL?
I see everyone else's point of view but I also see your's too.
You did all the work of buying the berries and card and your DH gets the Thank You. You get nothing. If your DH were to handle the Mother's Day gift giving she would get nothing you say? I think somewhere in the back of MIL's mind she knows that you were responsible for getting her the gifts. I'm sure in the past, Mother's Day in her life went by unacknowledged? I guess the point is I agree she could have offered up some appreciation to you on the phone for the gifts, especially since you go all out for her on Valentine's Day too.
I'm getting a sense she might not be as appreciative of your gifts as you think. She realizes they are coming from you and not her son. I might consider cutting back on the gift giving to someone that is possibly not appreciative of gifts.
Good grief people, where do you come up with this stuff? What in her post suggests MIL isn't appreciative of the gifts? She acknowledged and offered thanks for the gift. She's given joyous thanks in the past for the strawberries.
No wonder people have ILs issues. They make up these crazy stories about other's intentions in the absence of any evidence supporting it.
An American Girl's Travels
Thank you, Lyndel and gina612.
The bottom line is, I shouldn't expect people to react to things the same as I do.
That said, yes, I would like to have a deeper relationship with my MIL. We do get along and whatever issues I have had (and who doesn't, we're all people with different hang ups), I have pretty much discussed here to get different viewpoints. I was so happy that she was elated to receiving the strawberries on Valentine's Day...which were for both her and FIL, that I thought I would do it again for Mother's Day.
And to the last poster, my husband was getting over a man cold. We all know how men are when they are sick...MIL was checking to see if he was feeling better from that, not a disease or illness that had him bedridden for days.
I know this isn't the same but it just feels like when you work on a project, alongside other people but they got the recognition when you were the brains behind the operation. We are all human and really appreciate acknowledgement. If we don't get it, that's OK.....it just hurts a little but we move on. I'm so surprised with such unsympathetic responses as though we should go through life with no feeling or emotion. Or God forbid, sharing them.
I think you're overreacting. I often do MIL's gifts, etc. just because I want to make sure she knows she is appreciated. The thank you almost always goes to DH because they talk more. That's ok because the point of giving the gift is about making her happy, not getting credit for it IMO.
I also like how you're thanking the minority of people who slightly agreed with you, latching on to whatever portion of their post did agree with you and glossing over the parts of their posts that disagreed with you. And then acting like the majority of people who think you're a drama llama and need to get over yourself are nuts.
Maybe your MIL did not want to deal with your sanctimonious bullsh*t and decided one thank you was good enough. Even if she wants to believe the gift was from her sons, if that makes her happy why is it such a bad thing? It's not like it costs you anything other than the ability to pat yourself on the back a little more.
If I'm overreacting, I can accept that and get over myself. However, I don't think anyone on here should be met with rude & condescending comments. If you disagree, state why. If you agree, do likewise.
And to kellbell1919, I feel sorry for whoever it is that has to deal with YOUR sanctimonious bullsh*t on a daily basis.
I'm coming from a place of trying to give you REAL advice. If you only pay attention to those who said "There there, you're totally right", then you aren't going to learn and grow and your MIL will only become a bigger and bigger problem in your life - but not because of her. Because of you and your growing resentment.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10