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should I go?
Since my disasterous Mother's day, WWIII has been raging between my mom and uncle. This week has consisted of daily barraging from both of them. I've tried talking sense into my mom and uncle, and get stuck in the middle because I'm labeled the "rational" one in my family and they are no longer speaking to each other. It seems I'm the only one who values family and has been trying to keep it together. They both say they care and act like they listen but by the next day all my good advice is flung out the window.
Last night it clicked after my 4th consecutive night crying to my FI about my stupid family. It's NOT WORTH trying to talk sense into insane people. So I'm not bothering anymore. I was so emotionally exhausted last night I told my mom I just need a break from the whole family (including her).
Problem is....TOMORROW is my 7 year old cousin's First Communion. I don't want to take it out on my cousin who I adore. Should I go? This will mean that I see my uncle, have to explain why my mom isn't there (she's boycotting the communion party like the mature woman that she is. nice.) I also can't look my uncle in the face cause I"m so upset with him too. I don't know. I really wish I could pretend I'm studying abroad or something. Would you go?
Re: should I go?
Maybe I don't do the right thing, but I make decisions on what I "want" to do instead of "should" when it comes to family events. If you really want to attend this cousin's 1st communion, you can do that without getting involved in anything unpleasant with your uncle. And you don't have to explain why your mother isn't there. You can simply say, "Yes, it's a shame she wasn't able to be here." If anyone tries to get more detail from you, "It isn't for me to discuss." And with your uncle, "Uncle, I'm not going to talk about that here and now." And walk away if you have to.
I read your first post and I think it's a good idea for you to disengage. I think a counselor is going to have to mediate the conversations between your mom and uncle. Sounds like they are both struggling with coming to terms with their aging mother.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
This is exactly what I'm going to start doing as of yesterday. It's extremely difficult for me though. I envy people who can just say "I don't care". Cause I care SO MUCH. Too much. It's very hard for me to disengage, but when I'm literally crying every single night about it, I think I no longer have a choice. I HAVE TO disengage. I'm just ashamed of my mom because for all the times I defend her, she just proves my uncle right by acting irrational and screaming. He is no better, but at least with him I know what I'm getting. With her I still had hope. But after this week, I see she's equally bad. I just have to learn now not to give a crap.
I don't think it's about caring too much versus not caring at all.
You can care and be concerend and not be pulled into an issue that needs to be handled between your mom and your uncle.
Be there for your cousin & just be prepared to be polite but firm if anyone tries to bring up your mom's absence.
I'd go without any intension of speaking to my uncle or explaining my mother's absence. "Not today" is all I would say on the matter.
And I'd keep my keys handy so I can walk out and drive home whenever inspired.
It's a religious event. All you really need to do to celebrate is go to the church. Giving the child a gift is bonus. Meeting the family for the after party is completley optional.
Is uncle this cousin's father? If so, it will be harder to avoid him. If he is just another one of her relatives, you should be able to keep your distance.
Put some boundries up and stop being the go-between between your uncle and your mother. "Family" does not have to stick together. In fact, by acting as the middleman, you are probably preventing them from having a discussion and moving forward. The smartest thing for them would be to split up responsibilities so that they can work independantly - with checks like having two people sign for large sumes of money, etc.
It's also ok for you to be on your mom's side. You don't have to be Switzerland. You can tell your uncle, "you have to realize that I won't allow you to disparage my mom." But in general I think you should stay out of it.
As for the communion - - DH's siblings would "skip" events in dh's life "because sister A will be there, and we aren't speaking to each other." or because "they hated me/dh." Years later, they are crying because they are left out of important family events by the next generation who have no use for the drama. What comes around goes around.
I disagree. If you go, you are choosing to support your cousin!
This a million times. If you go you are supporting your cousin!
Yes it's just my mom and my uncle. So this cousin is my uncle's son. I'm actually the only one from the "extended" family going. Mom refuses and grandma is in no condition...she's still in heavy mourning. My cousin deserves his family there so I am going to go. I think I'm more and more becoming less neutral, and defending my mom cause my uncle is a huge jack@ss. I just get mad that after wasting my breath defending her honor, she goes and acts like just as big an @ss. But yes, given the choice, I will ALWAYS choose her side. She's my mom and I get so angry at him for basically his emotional abuse of her.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Now I better understand your response to my post. Isn't having crazy family great?
That said, I'd go and refuse to discuss anything having to do with WWII. Don't discuss your mom's absence. Don't engage your Uncle. Be there for your cousin. And stick with to your guns about your family. Don't engage, don't get in the middle, and only do what you want. You'll never completely not care (so says my therapist) but your goal should be to get to a point where it doesn't affect you to the point of crying to your FI every night. To get to a point where you can handle it without it ruining your day or even a few hours of your life. That is what I'm working towards, and every time something happens it gets a little easier. Good luck, and hang in there.
Totally agree with this. I had to work with a counselor to better understand how to deal with my mother. As uncomfortable as I was with "disengaging" and implementing new ways to deal with my mother and her situation, I had to do it. And working with a couselor helped me to understand how important it was and it was also a means of support.
You did the best you could, but it sounds like your mother and uncle aren't making the best decisions and you are getting emotionally "beat up" in the process. It never means you "don't care" but it's probably a good idea for you to learn some different coping techniques.
Thanks so much Kaytee. Have you gotten to talk to your dad about your situation yet? I wish you luck. I hope it goes well, but yes, I certainly do understand what it's like to have extreme and crazy family members. I wish I could afford therapy. Even WITH health insurance, it's $50 a pop for me. I just can't afford that. At least I can vent on thenest! lol. You ladies all give really helpful advice.
I have a couple of thoughts, fairly random and in no particular order
First- your motivation to go is for your cousin, so definitely go for your cousin. And keep that motivation obvious in everything you say and do that day, and obvious in your answer if your mom asks you about it later. That means that if your uncle tries to stir the pot, say at the first line, "I just want to focus on Hannah today. She looks so beautiful in her dress/ this is such a special day/ I'm so honored to be here." or whatever quickly and sincerely changes the subject right back to your cousin and the communion. Don't let him go on and on and feel like you have to listen to the whole spiel before you can say "Not today." Cut him right off at the pass. Same if anyone asks about your mom- "Yes, it's a shame she couldn't be here. Oh, there's Hannah going by- excuse me, I have to get a hug from her on her special day!"
And added on to that- this is a good change you're making, but it's also a big change and a change that's very recent, since earlier this week you were involved in the mom/ uncle drama. That means that it's going to be harder for you to stick to it if you're under pressure, and harder for your uncle/ other relatives to accept and believe that you really aren't or won't get involved. That's the nature of making big changes- the first days are the hardest. From that angle, I would say both a) cut yourself a little slack if it's harder than you expect or if you get flustered and say more than you planned, and b) recognize when and if your presence becomes a distraction from the cousin's communion, and go. It's really easy to get caught up in trying to fix it and stay to smooth it over or try to justify/ defend yourself- don't. Leave while you can still leave graciously.
Hey Everyone,
Thanks so much for the advice. Just thought I'd let you all know how it went. I guess it was better than expected but still definitely not ideal or functional.
I did go, and am glad that I made that decision. My mom shocked me and actually came also. We showed up at the church, and the mass was beautiful. Afterwards we all took pictures like a family (I have to mention that my uncle's friends were also there, and he is quite good at putting on a mask in front of them. they have no clue about the vicious side of him). After that we went to the restaurant, and my mom and I sat at the kiddie table with my 2 cousins and their friends. We actually had a blast. My aunt came over a couple times to chat with us but my uncle didn't come over even once.
Then at the end, we told him we were going to visit my grandmother. He said great, see you there. We waited over an hour, and they didn't come. So we decided to leave. Of course as we were pulling out of the driveway he comes up and starts beeping, asking where we were going. We told him sorry we waited for a while but now it's time to go. Got a nice dirty look from him, and we were gone. Whatever. I don't feel guilty for leaving. HE should feel like an ass for keeping us waiting with no excuse at all.
Anyway I'm very proud of my mom and I for going and for giving him the opportunity to spend time with us after as well. Now that it's over I continue to go on with my plan of detachment. I don't like putting forth effort to feel like it's still not enough to please. That last bit was a sign that I'm doing the right thing.Thanks again for the advice!