Rhode Island Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
those who have lost their moms
Hi ladies, I figured I would ask this here since I know a few of you have lost your moms fairly young. Lately, I have been feeling very "bitter" I guess could be the word against people who still have their moms, have relationship with their moms, have active grandparents in their kids lives etc. Its almost like it is part of greiving, although my mom has already been gone just about 4 yrs.
I don't know how to get out of it, change it etc. I have pretty much kept to myself lately because of this. I just want to spend time with marcos and elijah, sometimes my brother. I hate feeling like this but I just am feeling down not having my mom to spend time with, talk to, and most of all, be there for Elijah.
God this sucks. Sorry just needed to vent. Thanks
Re: those who have lost their moms
Not my mom, but I lost my father 20 years ago tomorrow. I, too, have had moments of "resentment" or "bitterness" toward those who still have their fathers here, especially around the big milestones like when I was getting married, became a mother, etc.
My husband and I only have one parent left between the two of us. And, DH is estranged from a majority of his family. We've made our own family, but it still hurts. There's an emptiness that can't be filled, but with time, the pain and heartache dull and are less frequent.
I just wanted to let you know that I understand.
((( hugs )))
As for your question... (sorry, I missed it)
It mostly takes time, and getting out and actually LIVING life that helps the most.
I talk to people about my dad all the time. My aunts and uncles, my mom, my sister, friends of the family... I take comfort in hearing the crazy or inspiring stories of my father's youth. Rather than avoid situations with other people's dads, I welcome them! I've asked friends' dads, or my uncles, questions about how they would handle a situation, or how they think my father would have.
It's not easy, but you have to make an effort. But, if you need time to yourself and away from those situations, that's OK too. It's all part of the grieving process, even years later. You never know what may trigger a period of grief of depression. But, if you do feel like you're having more "bad" days than "good" about this or other issues, you really should seek professional help. I did go to counseling a couple years after my father died, and it did a world of good for me.
I usually get bitter around this time of year when we have to start planning Mother's Day. I get angry when Dan's Mom fusses about where we're going or what we're doing. I just wanna smack her. It's a double edged sword there because her Mom is still alive at 94!! She gets the best of both worlds, her children around her AND her Mom!!
Deep down I'd rather stay home and have a day to myself because I can't see her, but I know I can't do that. And she wouldn't want me to. You may want to think in those terms Amanda...what does your Mom want for you? She wants you to be happy and not dwell on it. I had to go to therapy to realize that. It took me a long time.
I also learned it's as simple as life with her, and life without her. I lived a life with her, now I need to live a life without her. Don't try and reason, don't try and figure out "why", don't try and resolve it, just simply live without her. You have your memories, you can talk about her with people who knew her, you can talk about her to Elijah, but you need to live!!
HUGS! I wish I didn't understand what you're talking about.
I lost my mom 13 years ago and as much as I would love to tell you it 'goes away', it doesn't. Does it get easier? A little. Are there moments that are tougher than others? Yep. Right now is especially tough being pregnant.
I get resentful around mother's day as well, especially spending the time with my MIL. I get annoyed with her very easy and I think it's because my mom isn't here.
Big hugs to you. If you need to chat, let me know. xo
i am very grateful to still have my mom but when we spend mother's day with my fam, i usually have to remind my mom that mother's day is a tough day for DH (he lost his mom when he was 21). because she still has her mom (and i luckily still have my gram), my mom isn't as mindful about it.
i agree with pam, think about what your mom would want for you. i struggled with celebrating some stuff after losing my grandfather in 2006 and i really had to focus on the fact that he'd have wanted me to be happy and live fully.
good thoughts to all of you *hugs*
Well it's not my mom but my dad and I completely know how you feel. It's hard to not feel bitter when I see others who still have their dads or grandparents. But honestly, going through the hell that was last year taught me to be grateful for what I have. When my dad was in hospice and we knew that he was not going to survive his cancer, I would catch myself very frequently in the pity party. Then I would make a conscious decision to be grateful for what was going well in my life. My kids are both healthy, I have a loving husband who supported me the entire time and took over all my responsibilities as a caretaker so that I could be in RI every.single.day to be with my dad and mom, I am healthy, I have a job, thankfully he was sick in the summer when I was out on break so I had the time to spend with him...etc. These are just some things that I reflect on when I get so sad. I mean I got to dance at my wedding with him and he got to meet my children. I know a lot of people who can't say the same thing. Not that I am trying to make myself feel better through others misfortune, but there is always someone out there who has it worse. Like my 6th grader who lost his dad and tried to save him with CPR and he died. He was maybe 11 years old.
I agree with the others that it's normal to feel that way, but if you really can't shake it, you may want to see someone and get some therapy. That's why I ran for Dana Farber. I needed to do something positive with my grief and help others at the same time.
I really hope that you can find what works for you Amanda. I also am here to talk if you ever want.
I lost my mom eleven months ago. Mother's Day was bittersweet because it was the first one without my mom and I realized it was the last of first holidays without my mom. My mom lived in Florida so I did not get to see her often but I miss my daily calls with her. DH's family is amazing but they are four hours away in Maine. While I am lucky to have such great in laws, I do feel like I am missing out sometimes.
Hugs to all of you.
First off let me say you are not wrong in your feelings,they are totally normal(whatever that means). Mother's Day has been very difficult for me since losing my mother almost 7 years ago...I was 34(and was engaged only the week before she passed suddenly) she was my best friend. Now that I am a mother myself I look back over all of the great times I had with my mom and how we used to be as a family...my daughter missed out on a great role model and Grandmother. I used to feel just like you do about mother's/women who still have their mother's and it really hurt me whenever I would hear people complain about their mother's etc...I guess it does get easier over time,if the pain ever really goes away I will let you know. As for now I just keep living everyday the way she and my father raised me to be,a respectful person who loves her family and tries to be the best parent she can be...that is all I can offer to my daughter. What better testimony can we have to our mother's memory I think.
Thanks ladies. It is just really hard sometimes. I still have my dad, I am lucky for that. My stepmother is not the most nurturing person, but she tries sometimes. My inlaws, well I wish I had a good relationship w/them, but I don't.
The closest person I have to a mom, and Elijah has to a grandmother is Krystal's mom. She has been amazing with Elijah, she will take him places, and he even calls her Nana. I am grateful for her.
I think I am just missing the closeness of having someone to call when I am down, when I have exciting news to share, when I am sick, when Elijah is sick....god the list could go on. I am sitting here now crying thinking of it. I need to shake this.
I know so many of you ladies have gone thru similar things, especially with Cancer.
I am thankful that I also got to spend the last 6 months of her life with her, she did see me get married and knew I was pregnant when she passed, so I try and remind myself of those things. My brothers were not as fortunate.
THanks for all the kind words, support and suggestions. I know I have been kinda laying low on the nest lately, but I know you are always here when I need to talk. THANK YOU ALL FOR THAT! I LOVE YOU LADIES!!!