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Just venting - a lot on my mind (ridiculously long)
Good morning, ladies. Hubby and I have a lot to think about, and the few people I have bounced this off of have made their opinions quite clear. I need a more neutral place to vent. No replies needed, but if you've got any suggestions, I'm open to them!
Some background - H is from SC, and I have lived in NC for half my life. He moved to NC to be with me and my son a few years ago. We decided last year that next summer (2012), we would move to SC back to his hometown to be near his entire family. DS would be finishing 5th grade and moving on to middle school with new kids anyway, so we figured it was a good summer to transition. That, and as a single mom until a couple years ago, we moved around a lot due to financial issues, and DS has been in 3 elementary schools. We wanted to let him finish out his last years of elementary school in the same place. When we let my folks (who live 20 min away) know our plans, they decided that, since they were going to be retiring that summer anyway, they'd sell their house and move with us.
Well, H and I HATE our jobs. HATE. I've been at my current position for two years, and it has always been more work than one person can handle. The workload has doubled in the last year, and I find I am working way over 40 hours a week. (Some weeks I earn some comp time, and other weeks, just out of desperation I bring work home in the evenings.) I am exhausted, physically and mentally. I don't have the patience or energy to always devote to DS, and that breaks my heart. And H has been screwed by the company that he works for. He was promoted into management, and then brought from one restaurant to another recently in order to bring the second restaurant up the level of success he brought the first to. This move was supposed to include a raise, which it didn't, and the hours were supposed to be less, which they aren't. He is furious. We have both looked locally for new positions, but between the economy, and then thinking we're a year from moving, we had resigned ourselves to stay at our current positions until we leave.
Recently, we went to visit H's family, and it was all we could do to come home. We love being around all of his family, and we did some preliminary househunting, looking at the neighborhoods we eventually want to buy in. On our last day with H's family, DS pulled me aside and started to cry and begged to move this summer rather than next. None of us want to leave behind my folks early, but DS has had a history of some bullying issues at his current school and, while things have greatly improved, he still has trepidation about going there because of it. He said he wanted to go ahead and move so he could be near his little cousin (SIL's son) and so he could basically reinvent himself at a new school and make new friends. Saddest thing I think I've ever been asked.
H and I got home and immediately were crapped on at our jobs more so than usual. Between DS's plea and our frustrations, H suggested we go ahead and move this summer instead. Part of me wants to jump right on it and go ahead and go. Part of me hesitates. Here's the pros and cons:
If we leave now, we'd have less money saved for the future. As a state employee, I automatically have 6% taken off the top of my paycheck to go into a pension fund. Since I know I won't ever be returning to the state system, I plan on withdrawing that money whenever we go. Right now, it'd be a good several thousand dollars that we could move into savings - part into our IRA and part into our savings for a house. If we stay another year, we'd have another $2k or so to withdraw. Also, currently, I am the one with insurance. COBRA costs a fortune, and we can't buy comparable policies ourselves for a reasonable price (I've checked). To make matters more complicated, my dad is having surgery at the end of the year and my mother is two years out from cancer treatments, and while we'd be 4 1/2 hours away, I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning them.
But on the other hand, I am sick of working in a place I hate and not having the energy for my son. I am sick of H being so rundown and working so much that I see him two nights a week. I am ready to live in the city I feel I was meant to be in. My son wants to leave a school that makes him miserable and try again in a place where no one knows he was picked on so mercilessly.
We know we can't guarantee either of us will find jobs that won't make us this miserable there. (H has a standing job offer from an old employer, so he probably would enjoy going back, but there's really no telling.) Heck, there's no promise I'd find a job at all any time soon. (When we move, we have an offer to move in with M/FIL for a couple months until we're employed, but I don't want that to last longer than a couple months.)
In speaking with a handful of close friends, they all said to go ahead and move because they know how stressed we all are here. In briefly mentioning it to my mother, she said we were being selfish and should stick to our original timetable (she thinks DS should stay in his school through 5th grade for stability, like we originally did).
One friend gave me great advice - she said, "If you're leaving, make sure you're moving TOWARD something, and not running AWAY from something else." I'm not sure if we're more running away or moving toward if we go early. Looking back up at my post, it looks more on paper like we're running away, but does peace of mind outweigh all the financials? That's where I'm stuck.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, everyone. I wanted to put this in writing somewhere, but my blog is full of friends who would say to just go ahead and go and that wouldn't be very helpful. Like I said, it was helpful to just put this out there into the universe, but if anyone has anything to add, please feel free!
Re: Just venting - a lot on my mind (ridiculously long)
It sounds like you have sort of answered your own question...in a way. You know that there is no guarantee that you & your H will find jobs, or be happy with them. There is also no guarantee that DS will not be bullied at a new school. Basically, there is no guarantee about any big change like this. There's also no guarantee that a year from now the move will be smarter/better either. You have to go on faith that y'all will make it a good change. Make an educated decision: research housing prices, school districts, job market, etc. See what opportunities are there for you now. If it feels like it will work then do it, if not then wait. It doesn't sound like y'all are being selfish for wanting to move now instead of a year from now.
As for moving your DS for his last year of elementary school: I don't have kids but have nieces and a nephew I'm very close to, and I'm all for continuity, but plenty of kids move during their childhood years and are fine with it. It doesn't sound like he's got strong bonds with the kids at his current school anyway.
As far as your parents' health: are there other relatives (siblings, etc.) that live near them that can help if they need it? If they are planning on moving where you will be living, one year shouldn't be too big of a stretch vs. them living far away indefinitely. I feel your pain on that one. I moved to be with H and I'm now 4 hours away from my dad. My brother laid on a huge guilt trip saying I won't be near if something happens to my dad.
GL with whatever you decide, just make sure it's yours and H's decision and not what everyone else wants you to do.
Thanks for the response. I did feel, after I wrote, like I had started to answer my own question. Honestly, it was so helpful to put everything out there in one fell swoop without interjection. It's hard to discuss with people who already have an opinion one way or the other.
We're doing some research, and it's tough, particularly with the economy as it is, to know whether we'll be any better off in the job/money respect, but I am thinking I might start sending out applications to see if anyone bites. Knowing H is employable right away is nice, but my uncertainty is pretty terrifying.
H was a Air Force brat, so I know he is the first to say continuity isn't the end-all, be-all of childhood, so DS should be ok. He's super-resilient, and he's a good kid. It hurts so much to see what other kids have done to him over the years and I'm afraid to move him as well as not to move him all at once.
And as for my folks, it's good to know we're only a few hours' drive away. If they needed me, it would be easy to hop on the interstate and come home. I am the only family they have (only child, my mom's an only child, and my dad's only sister lives 10 hours away and can't travel due to health issues), so that's a huge source of my guilt. But my dad came through surgery this past Christmas with flying colors and my mother's doing well so I have to keep up hope that they do well next year if we go. Heck, we could still be here and one of them could have a problem, and the only thing that would be different would be how long it would take me to get to them and how much time I would have saved up to be able to take off from work.
I guess I just need to continue to consider all angles and do some research with H, and then ultimately make the decision that is best for us and DS. It's a scary prospect, but I hope we'll ultimately make the right choice.
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As a former military brat, I can assure you that your DS will be okay moving mid-year. While it may difficult for you, knowing you moved him around a lot as a single mom, you may have created in him a great sense of adaptability - this is not a bad thing! My mom had to do the same thing and I'm still grateful for it.
I know this is not an ideal situation, but have you considered allowing your DH to move with his parents for a couple of months to look for a job and a new place for you guys while you continue to work and leave the summer for your son to adapt to the change that will take place? Perhaps, this way, you can continue to save money from your job and maintain your insurance for everyone while he finds something in your new area and, without having to pay out additional expenses while living with your in-laws, you can afford to look for a new place and avoid additional living expenses?
I agree that I think you may have answered your own question. We're never going to know if we're going to look back and regret our choices, but it sounds as if the pro's far outweigh the con's of getting out of NC now and not later. Take care and I wish you the best!
A10 Siggy Challenge: Our Next Vacation Destination: Paris!
You're on the right track, and PPs have some good advice. I can't add a lot to it, but I will say this - You have a gut for a reason - listen to it! (Gut feeling, I mean, not like a belly haha.)
Keep us posted on how things go, and what you decide!
Bwahahahahahaa, after the way I've eaten the last couple weeks, I think I have both!!!! A lot of birthdays and a heap of laziness meant most meals were a load of junk.
But thanks for the reminder - my gut has rarely led me wrong. If ever. And heck, H left behind his home on his gut feeling that this was it. If I can't trust our gut instincts after that....well....I shouldn't ever listen to them again. Thank you.
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I don't think either of us had considered going separately at first, but it may be a viable option. Our lease is through the end of August, so while it would royally stink, it would give me more time to get the house in order and have DS in the day camp we've already paid for for the summer. DS would probably need to go with H after that, as we have year-round school here and his first day of 5th grade is July 5th! He wouldn't start until mid-to-late August in SC. Definitely an option I don't think either of us even thought of, but it might give us a little more time to get our affairs in order. And I could start applying to jobs, and if something comes up for me, I could always move on down before the summer's over and travel back to deal with the house. Thanks for the additional idea - I never would have thought of it!
You ladies are the best! I'm so glad for all your help!
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I LOVE the bolded advice. I've had to ask myself that question many times when I've had the desire/opportunity to move. Very solid. That said, I agree with jmkes that ultimately it's a leap of faith - with consequences you may not foresee for a long time. But as my dad says, we don't need to be perfect. Just make the best choices we can with the information we have, and God works with that (even if at times we are like. what the freak!!!
).
I hope you continue to get clarity. There are so many factors, and it's such a big decision. But it does sound like you are moving in the right direction. And it may be worth it to listen to the desires of your son... he may really just need to start over and bond with family right now. Sometimes kids have a lot of clarity on a situation. When my mom married my stepdad, well for starters, we begged her to marry him (she thought she was being responsible and doing us a favor by not marrying anyone until we were in college... instead, what she didn't realize - we longed for the stability and formal definition of her boyfriend becoming "stepdad" and our begging woke her a up a little
).
PPs make so many great points: There is no guarantee either now or later. There never really is a guarantee when you make a change. I also agree with your friend about moving towards rather than running from, although it can be really hard to tell sometimes which you're doing. But you're really trying to work that out. And gut feelings are really important.
About your son: I went to a school I hated for 8 horrible long years. I guess I shouldn't complain because I wasn't ever bullied or anything serious, but I just loathed every minute of every school day. My parents wouldn't change my school (for various and complicated reasons). When they finally did (I'm not sure how or why it happened), I was so much happier. I really think you can provide a lot of stability and continuity at home and having happy parents is a good thing for a kid (my assumption based on unhappy parents and a pretty rotten childhood).
Zara and temurlang, thanks for sharing your personal experiences. It helps to hear about related experiences from the kids' perspectives.
H and I have been talking about everything a lot (including the suggestions from you ladies, like him going down first if we need to for work), and we agreed that he will follow up on these leads for jobs, and actively search for a position this summer. We anticipate that he will find something before the end of July (when we would have to re-up our lease and all that jazz), but if he does not, we'll put the searches on hold for a bit, and work toward our original goal of summer 2012. But if he comes up with something soon (and he has a recommendation in to a renowned chef from a good friend so we've got our fingers crossed!), he will go ahead first and get his job established while I stay here with DS, get the house in order, and hang onto our insurances and things while I still can. It'll be interesting to see how it plays out. I think we're ready to roll the dice and see what happens, though. Our gut feeling is that this is what is better for us all in the long run. If it's meant to be, it'll happen for us soon. If not, well, we've got a backup plan (which was originally plan A). Thanks again to you all, and I'll let you know what happens!
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