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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
WWYD re old friend that you did not see in years
In my twenties I worked for about 3 yrs in a very unhealthy work environment. There was a lot of gossip and back stabbing. While there I met and shared a space with an older woman (mid 40) and we became friends. She invited me to her house plenty of times and we helped each other when we could. When I left the job I was very clear that I would not call her everyday even though she would be still my friend.
My life then got very busy. I complete my BA and worked full time. On top of all I got married. She could not attend my wedding but called me the day before and spoke with my sister to wish me well. I came back from my HM and she asked to come over my house to bring me a gift. I told her that the timing was off since we were in the middle of packing and bought a house. No hard feelings she said.
Then I got PG and she called me to congratulate on the birth of DD and probably expected to see her some time but we did not invite her the the christening since we wanted a small affair. She then invited me to her daughter sweet 16 and I did not attend (we were struggling financially at the time). Then my MIL died and we really lost touch. I guess I did not make an effort to get in touch with her but my DH went to their house often to help them fix things and always brought my regards.
Last night I went to a party and while waiting for DH to pick up the car. I saw her and her husband waiting behind me. I looked at them and FROZE. Literally. I believe it was not her but the memory of the past work environment that rushed through my mind. I turned around and told DD to stop to try opening the door. I was tired, had a million things in my mind and balloons and other DD junk in my hands. I think that I acted that way because I did not what to say. I did not know how to start a conversation and in a way I wanted to shut down my experience there and she was someone who remind me of that time in my life.
I heard her telling her DH that she needed to go to the restroom and they left. I guess she got uncomfortable by my reaction. Who wouldn't? I snubbed them, which was not my intention.
I feel so much guilt after I left. I guess I did not what to say after 6 years of not seeing her. So many things have changed and we didn't speak in more than 3yrs.
I couldn't even sleep last night. I know I did the wrong thing but I would like to call her and apologize for my behavior, even though I still do not get why she didn't say hi to me too. After all they could have say it too, no?
Now, what should I say? Sorry that I didn't say hi? Let's catch up since it has been 6yrs? I am not sure how to justify my behavior since I could have say hi but I froze. I mean no sound came out from my mouth since she took me by surprise.
She is not my BFF, she will never be but it is someone that I care for and I would hate to be the one that walked away from this past relation.
TIA
Re: WWYD re old friend that you did not see in years
Wow. You have blown this woman off for years and now have insulted her to her face. Just call her and say, "You know, I think I was completely losing my mind last night and I saw you and just failed to place you. Then my over-tired mind just froze. Gosh, I'm embarrassed over my actions and am really sorry. Can I make it up to you over lunch? I'd really like to catch up after all this time."
And yes, that implies that you are treating her to lunch (i.e. you pay for her too)
I get you are busy, but I just don't get how that excuses your behavior. Please, set things right.
I think you were wrong way more than you think. You blew off this woman many times. She wanted to come over with a wedding gift? Blown off. She wanted to come over after your D was born? Blown off.
You have acted very wrong in many ways and I'm not trying to make you feel worse but you need to understand how this woman may have been feeling over the 6 years. It's not right to make decisions on this friendship because you assume you are both living different lifestyles now. She tried numerous times to reach out to you and you dismissed her everytime. I'm sure she is really hurt by that.
Wow. You made no time for her for years; couldn't find a minute for her to come over with a gift she had for you? Please. Then you saw her and said NOTHING to her while she stood behind you? And now you feel bad but really, your actions are justified because you were too busy, and too embarrassed, and 'didn't know what to say"?
What you say when you see an old friend you still care for is "HELLO! I have missed you so much! This is my dh, and my child; it's so nice to see you, I've been thinking of you " etc etc. Instead, you looked at her, then turned your back. Lovely.
If this woman is a friend you care for, I'd hate to see how you treat people you actively dislike. You cut her publicly. I'm not sure this is fixable.
I gotta agree with everyone above. If this woman was not part of the "backstabbing and gossiping" environment at your old job, why would you associate it with her? It sounds like she was the one thing at the job that made it tolerable.
I'd be terribly hurt if I had a gift for a friend lying around for years and she couldn't find the time to receive it. It's easy to point fingers and say "Well she didn't say hi either" but from your background story it sounds like she made numerous efforts. It sounds like it was definitely "your turn" to make the effort. So go and do it before you lose this caring person from your life!
I am not justifying myself because I was rude indeed but I was not trying to.
I did not blow this person away. I told her she couldn't come to my house because I was moving and I had a 1 bedroom apt. full of boxes. then she never asked me to see my daughter or to come to my house after that. She send me an invitation to a party that I couldn't go and I never heard back from her.
I did not offer to come after because for over 1 year I lived in major construction work and out of boxes. Then MIL was diagnosed with cancer and died and that was another struggling year for us.
And she just called my husband when she needed work done in the house and complaint to him that he was too expensive (guess what? My DH do not own the company, he works for it).
I personally think we grew apart but I would hate to terminate the friendship.
I am not blaming the post-traumatic disorder. I just hated that time of my life.
Go back and re-read your original post. She reached out to you multiple times and you blew her off. It was not mutual.
Yes, gossip sucks but I can not understand how that was so traumatizing that you 'froze'. I think you were embarrassed because you know you've blown her off for years.
You seem full of excuses for why you can't bother having a friendship with her. The poor woman had a wedding gift for you and you couldn't find the time for her to drop it off?
I have plenty of friends that are at different points in their life than I am, it's really not an issue. Unless you are really ready to change that and make amends, I would not contact her. I have a feeling you will just end up blowing her off again, and that's worse that what you've already done.
YOUR A JACK A**!!!! She is better off without you. After all that BS you put her through and then you snub her in person. But try and turn it around on them.
GROW UP. MOVE ON. No job is worth hurt someone for six years. get over it. She didnt hurt you during that job, so why are you taking it out on her.
Since it has been six years and you live in the same city, I think it is safe to say that you are not friends.
That being said, I'd probably shoot her a quick email and just say that you think you saw her recently, but wasn't sure that it was her. If she'd like to catch up sometime, you'd love to see her. And leave it at that.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
I agree with the others that you did blow her off. Friendships are supposed to be mutual -- so if someone extends an offer, the next person should extend the next. Unless you're really close, which you admitted you're not.
You declined several invitations from her, but never extended any of your own. Yet you say she didn't either -- but she did. And each time she was rejected.
Good for you for reaching out.
74 books read in 2011
Based on the fact that you were lying awake last night, feeling guilty, I think you're well aware that you've made a series of mistakes with this situation. My sense is that you are feeling ashamed, and that you are wavering between making excuses for your actions and accepting responsibility. You're taking heat in this thread for the parts of your post that lean towards making excuses for yourself.
Since you came on here looking for suggestions about how you can repair the situation in tactful, gracious manner, I'll tell you what I think:
The best way to deal with situations like this is to be honest with yourself and the other person. Own your mistake and confront it head on. Call her and apologize. Tell her that you have been feeling guilty over the years because you haven't kept up your end of the friendship, and that when you saw her unexpectedly, your guilt and embarrassment got the better of you. Let her know you care about her and that you hope everything in her life has been great these past few years.
Don't expect anything in return. Don't ask her to forgive you. Don't ask to take her out to lunch or to rekindle the friendship. Just make the apology as sincerely as you can. You made the decision a long time ago that this was a friendship you were willing to let drop and now is the time to live with that decision.
When you apologize, she'll most likely say something like, "Oh, it's okay, these things happen." You will need to listen carefully and pay attention to the next things she says. Because it'll be these words that will tell you whether the friendship is over or not. Either way, the important thing is to make a sincere apology and not to demand anything from her.
I think this may be the wrong audience if you?re looking for someone to validate your excuses. Most of us have dealt with school, jobs, moving, remodeling, having babies, etc. and still manage to keep up with our friends. I had a friend who was passing through town during our last remodeling project, and so instead of having her over, we met at a wine bar. It?s not that hard.
I agree with several above posters, particularly neverblushed. I think you were right to offer an apology, and I think you should go into this only expecting to offer an apology and hoping she accepts it. I don't think you should expect her to be willing to catch up or rekindle or try to meet up with you again. You haven't made time for her in the past, and you were rude to her when you ran into her by accident. I don't think you froze because you associated her with memories of your past work place- I think you froze because you knew you could and should have tried harder to make time for someone who repeatedly made time for you.
(Not saying that you didn't go through some awful things or that there weren't true impediments to getting together those specific times. I'm saying- for someone you truly like and miss and want to spend time with, you do. Whether it's meeting at a park or store or restaraunt because your house is a mess and you're busy moving, or if you catch up via a long phone call while you're Swiffering because there's no other time in your day, or you e-mail back and forth because that's what you can manage at that time. People who want to be in touch get in touch.)
I also think, prior to talking to her again (if she responds to your voicemail- I don't know that I would, if I were in her shoes)- this is a good time to look at it from her perspective, not yours. You gave all this backstory and history and reasons why this and that happened- from her perspective, you didn't talk to her when she called to congratulate you on your marriage, didn't want to meet to get the gift she got for you, didn't invite her to meet your daughter when she called to congratulate you, didn't go to her daughter's sweet sixteen, and flat out ignored her when you bumped into her in person. If I were her (I'm being honest to give you perspective, not to beat you up about it) I'd be feeling foolish for having continued to try to keep in touch with you when you obviously weren't interested, and I'd feel hurt and embarrassed that I'd continued to open myself up to someone who didn't like me enough to say hi. I'd be wary of talking to you again and probably would either have a short, awkward phone call to hear you out (but not plan on seeing/ talking to you again) or not respond at all. Apologize sincerely if you get a chance, but don't press this woman for forgiveness or a relationship or to meet you again.
I get that you feel conflicted, and as such, I ditto MrsGinger and neverblushed.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
By your post, this is just a nice person you used to work with a bunch of years ago. Life got busy, she was nice but you had a lot going on. You've been consistent about being friendly but too busy about having a two-way friendhship.
Why are you so hung-up on not being in touch?
You dropped it. She knows it. Sometimes that's okay. Just let it be.
You briefly pointed out each time you blew her off.
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