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For those of you estranged from your Mothers
It would be too long to tell the entire story so I hope that I can get enough through in a shorter version.
I don't have a relationship with my mother. Over the years, things just got stranger and stranger with her so I just gave up on her altogether. I had always left the door open for her with the children but she never took any initiative with them.
She has betrayed me on many levels and the last thing she did was so bad that I have not spoken a word to her since (couple of months).
She sent me an e-mail (she won't even pick up the phone to call me) to let me know that she is going to be in town and wanted to know if I would find it in my heart to see her. She also wants to see my children. At this point, I have zero feelings for her and I almost feel like I need to protect my children as they barely know her. The last thing that she did was pretty bad so I don't know what is going to keep me from *** slapping her. I am a pretty calm person so this is pretty bad for me to get this upset.
I don't think that she has changed so I don't think that I am going to be seeing the new, improved mom. I am stuck as to how to respond to her, but it will definitely be by e-mail since that appears to be her preferred method. I hope that I provided enough information to get some helpful advice.
Re: For those of you estranged from your Mothers
No, she is actually turning everything around on me, as if I am the one that is freezing her out. I was thinking of taking this road and not responding, but I did want to get some opinions. Thank you. I am glad that you think the same way.
I've been estranged from my mother over a year now, and it is unlikely that our relationship will ever have an opportunity for restoration. Depending on how "bad" her bad was can give you some insight on how to interpret her email and her request.
Things didn't happen for my mother and I over night, either so for *me* without asking you to divulge what it was that broke the camel's back for you, I would say that if whatever "it" was had happened in any pre-existing *healthy* relationship without your shared history...would "it" be forgivable or surmountable? If the answer is anything from "maybe but it would be tough" to "yes, no question" - then you can look at her email as a positive that the door isn't shut forever. If the answer is a dead "no" - then you can look at her email as a positive, but with no obligation to fulfill either of her requests.
And, the same litmus test would be given when it came to opening up access to the kids. Though, if you were in agreement to meet with her, I would let it be known that you were willing to do so without the kids present at this time. (You can always decide to bring along a recent photo of the kids to give if all goes well during your private conversation.)
In an estrangement, when someone is making some kind of effort (whether it meets our desired standard or not) there is still some room for hope that responsibility can be taken and amends made.
I'm not taking your mother's side *at all* however, in reading your first post, you did indicate that it was you who stopped contact, so in her eyes - even if she is feeling completely guilty about what she's done (you didn't share, but I'm saying in the best case scenario, if she was taking all responsibility or at least willing to share in the responsibility of the breakdown) your responding with silence could definitely be seen accurately as "freezing her out."
In my situation, with my own mother, the "it" that broke it off was completely not something that would have survived any other relationship - in our case, without getting into it, I confronted her and said "If you continue with X our relationship is irretrievably broken." She said, "I understand" and then continued on her merry way...and then kept trumping herself when I stood by my word and did not interact with her on any level after that...she's able to say that I was "freezing her out" because I basically stopped feeding into the relationship...I say I was not "freezing her out" because she flipped the off switch in our relationship, not me. In my case, her insanity and quite honestly vindictiveness became more and more dangerous (we eventually had to take legal measures) and have never had any kind of even "weak" olive branch offered to me...there was a short window of time where I had hoped she'd come to regret her decision and at least try to be amicable...but no. The nasty only stopped when we took legal measures...though I fully expect more antics in the future. Basically, I'm saying, if this is at all salvageable in your mind, who froze who out and if her email came with the apology/responsibility for the real thing between you is irrelevant if the face-to-face talk might take care of that portion anyway. (I wouldn't take the kids to it, even if I anticipated the very best outcomes - I don't think it is fair for kids to witness potential high-anxiety/tension/drama) If there is a sincere and demonstrated cause for physical safety but you want to at least hear what she has to say, you can alway right back to say you don't feel a face-to-face would be in your best interest right now, but would be willing to hear what she has to say in email/phone, but without promises for anything further.
Sorry this was so long, estrangement is a very personal subject for me.
I've kind of given up on my mom, but if she came to me and said, 'I really want to see your kids/you and I'll behave myself' I'd probably give her a chance, but I'd be on my guard. This would not mean that her involvement in our lives was a regular thing, I would take it day by day. My mom is a functioning alcoholic, so there are no promises in a situation like that.
It depends on how bad the things that she did to you were..
I actually think it was better of her to email than to call. I'd much rather get an email from my mom than a call - I can read it at my leisure and take time to process what she's asking for. We both could be more rational and take our time really thinking about what we want to say.
However - I don't think you have any obligation to respond, if you don't want to. Depending on the situation and if you're protecting your children from her (maybe she'd be different with them?), you don't owe her anything.
74 books read in 2011
I'm getting here late and I didn't read all the PPs.
The easiest thing to do is ignore and delete it.
The second easiest thing to do is to respond with a simple "I won't be available to meet you." No explanations, etc.
I wouldn't meet her. I don't know how old your kids are, but you know what your history w/ your mom is like - even if this visit went wonderfully, the chances are that something will happen down the road and you will go to not talking to her again.
Do you really want to bring her in, then have her disappear, then bring her in, etc etc etc w/ your KIDS?
If you want to meet w/ her yourself to talk to her and see what comes of it, fine. But I would absolutely NOT involve the kids in it at this point.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't think you should meet with her. Either delete/ignore her email, or reply by saying you won't be available to meet her.
But if you do decide to meet with her, don't bring your kids.
No kids.
As someone who is married to a spouse who is estranged/semi-estranged from his mother on a regular basis, we had to finally agree that our children do not need to see his mom. It is confusing. Why is X at so and so's birthday, but then missed mine? Why does daddy's mom only like to talk to him, not us? Who is that lady? etc.....
It is the one sticking point that I have been adamant about. DH can talk to his mom, call her, email her, stop by and see her....but without us present. For now. If/when things change, then we will see her as a family, but we cannot get sucked into the drama and confusion, for the kids sake.
My SIL does not speak to her mom (my MIL) and hasn't for nearly five years. Her kids are not allowed to see MIL or spend time with her at all.