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Invited, or not really??
I need advice. My brother's daughter is getting married in July. He is divorced from my niece's mother. Before I was even asked, the engaged couple put up a website that said that the music at the wedding was to be "performed by family members". (That would be me!) Apparently the website info was put on a "Save the Date" invite, which I was never sent! When she talked to me about playing at her wedding I told her that I really just wanted to enjoy the day and not work. (I was not offered compensation to play.) Today I found out that I was not invited to her bridal shower, even though I spent 3 days with my brother finding her wedding site!!! How should I handle this situation? I know that the bride is doing all the traditional wedding etiquette things, so it's not a matter of "she didn't know better". My question is: should I feel obligated to go to her wedding at this point? I am a freelance musician and will probably have a job that day, which originally I was going to turn down to attend her wedding.
Thanks!
Re: Invited, or not really??
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Please forgive me if this is a misunderstanding but what I am getting from this is that you expected your niece to pay you to perform at her wedding but you decided you'd rather just participate? I guess it just strikes me as odd that you require payment from family. I totally understand and respect that you want to just celebrate and enjoy the party rather than work but the payment part threw me a little.
That issue aside, I think it sounds like she's being a little bit of a 'zilla but you should be the bigger person and attend as a guest as you'd planned. No need to fan the drama flame.
I see where you're coming from. She should have asked you to do something more like one song during the ceremony or reception, not to be the musical entertainment. Just one song because you're her aunt and it would be special.
It is odd that she didn't send you a save the date, didn't talk to you about playing before saying that you were going to on the website, and didn't invite you to the shower. My feelings would be a bit hurt. I am assuming that she is annoyed at you for not playing at the wedding (I don't think she is correct though).
My H is a freelance musician so I get how hard it is to give up work. However, in this case, I think you should still go to the wedding. If you want to throw her a bone, maybe you could offer to do one song at some point during the day. My H did sing one song at my cousin's reception (they hired a band) and it was a very special part of the reception that I know really pleased my cousin and his new wife.
Is she being rude? Yeah, especially about the slip up with not inviting you to her bridal shower! But...was that a surprise thrown for her or did she actually organize it herself? You might want to check about that, as I thought the bride doesn't really have anything to do with the shower planning.
As a fellow creative person (graphic designer) I've been asked to design invitations for weddings of family members/friends in the past. I've happily done it without thinking of being paid. But I do consider it a part of my wedding gift to the couple.
Your niece does sound like she's being annoying, but I can't imagine why you would consider not going at all. I assume you like your niece, right?
EDIT: I think you probably should speak with her directly about this. It sounds like there could very likely be a miscommunication somewhere along the line.
Does she have your correct address? She didn't send you a save the date or invite to the shower, or did it get lost in the mail? Frankly, you might not even be invited to the wedding at this point.
I understand wanting to enjoy the day. Our good friend is a photographer and we hired someone else for the wedding, so he could be a guest and not a worker. Of course, we would have paid him and not expected free photos, but we wanted him to have fun. I think that is what you wanted to do at your niece's wedding. She wanted free music.
How hurt would your brother be if you did not attend the wedding? Would your niece care?
What changed? First, you wanted to enjoy the day so much that you didn't want to work, now you don't want to go at all.
Sounds like your feelings got hurt about not being invited to the shower. Seems like a silly thing to get so annoyed about that you won't go the wedding.
I had a friend who's mother threw her a bridal shower and didn't invite all of the women that were invited to the wedding. Her mom was the type to prefer a lavish party to impress fewer people. I know at least one person who was surprised that she wasn't invited, but she still went to the wedding.
But if you're saying that you didn't get a Save the Date, were expected to work it and now realize you weren't invited to the shower - so your wondering if you're even invited to the wedding - well, I guess that will be cleared up when the invites so out. If it would crush you from being exlcuded, perhaps you should book a gig just in case. I suppose you could just ask your brother now if you're invited. It won't be any less awkward seeing him after the wedding and asking how the venue turned out.
I'm not clear on everything. She did ask you to perform at the wedding, and you flatly turned it down. So there was no hemming-hawing, maybes? Could it be that she moved on to the next musically inclined family member if you were clear about not wanting it?
The second part I'm confused on - you've never spoken to her about the wedding in any other circumstance that would indicate you've been invited. With a wedding coming this closely, when did she ask about your performing at her wedding? I can't imagine it happening this summer and not having an email, phone conversation, actual invitation with some clue as to the website. When you say your brother helped you for a few days to find the website...did he not have the invite either (wondering why it took him so long to help you).
Like another poster, I don't get charging a relative - but not judging it either exactly (I can just see both sides)...but I'm not getting you saying you wanted to be there and now all of a sudden saying you have a job that day anyway. There would be more family rift potential at *not* calling to clarify your invite than if you were basically a no-show or a flat cancellation (and her assuming you were still coming).
Hoping everything is just a communication debacle and not drama.
You don't know what happened with the bridal shower ... it may have been a super-small affair, or maybe someone else planned it and your name was accidentally not included, or maybe the invite was lost in the mail.
I would totally disregard the website stuff.
If you were otherwise going to attend the wedding, I don't see why you would decline it now. It just seems petty.
What exactly does "music performed" mean? Would you be responsible for the all the music for the ceremony and reception? Would you be playing/singing one song? I, too, am a musician and have played at my siblings' weddings. I have a cousin with a beautiful voice and who is also a freelance performer. She has sung at all of our weddings. In fact, she would have been insulted if we hadn't asked her to sing.
I'm wondering if you had all the information before saying no. As a musician, I felt it was an honor when one of my family members asked me to perform at their wedding. And, as a bride, I may have been a bit insulted if my cousin had turned me down.
If she was hoping you'd provide entertainment throughout the reception, then I would have turned it down as well.
As for the shower, don't read into it if you don't know what the story is. We did not invite to my shower every female that was invited to my wedding. It's not required.
This was what I got out of it as well.
Maybe the OP can clarify if this is correct or if Curly and I are reading too much into it.
You both read this right!! I left out in the initial post that I played for the Bride's parents (the mother now being my ex-sister-in-law) when they got married and received a Christmas ornament and the woman holding the Guest Book received a Pearl necklace!! (So there is a long history of expecting things for free from my side of the family!) I must point out that I am a professional musician and this is how I earn my living. I am booked every weekend this summer. Also, I wasn't clear about how I helped my brother. I drove around Pittsburgh for three days looking at wedding venues with him because the bride was "vacationing" in California and didn't want to be bothered!! I,myself ,had just gotten married and could have used the time to set up my house. Yes, I do not want to cause a "drama" but my sister-in-laws were invited to the Shower and my sister wasn't invited until she heard from my sister-in-law who started talking about the invitation. I wouldn't have found out except I called my sister to see if I should organize a shower since I hadn't heard about one, just assuming that I would have been invited!!
Thanks, everyone, for your input! And Yes, she has the right address!!
if you're pissed that you didn't get invited to the shower because you feel it was in "retaliation" for not playing her wedding, then I fully understand why you're upset. Who knows if you'll get invited to the wedding or not, and if you don't, well... you (sadly) know where you stand w/ your brother and his family.
However, ify ou're pissed that you didn't get invited to the shower for no other reason than you think all wedding guests should be invited, then I don't agree. Showers are often much smaller affairs and some brides dont' want to invite "everyone". It's not something to skip the wedding over.
But - based on your update, it does sound like it's the prior. Sorry.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10