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Sigh. Another (long) MIL issue.
My MIL does not like me. She's said that she wished my husband married someone else. She's also tried, on numerous attempts, to turn the entire family against me. She is also, unfortunately, the quintessential definition of a helicopter parent (to the point that she steals my husband's photos online and is trying to compile them to a scrapbook). She stole some of the goblets we used at our wedding, that were going to be included in our china collection. The first meeting with my parents was her inviting herself to my parents' house, and not letting anyone know until she was 30 minutes away.
The DH brushes it aside, and claims that it's the "spouse-MIL syndrome." That's another problem to be addressed later.
Here's the current problem. My husband and I just moved into a house on an Army post: we don't have any real furniture besides desks, a dining table, a bed frame, and an air mattress. His parents invited themselves to our house over Memorial Day Weekend. We'll be adopting a dog on May 25, and I'm terrified about what will happen: two days is not enough time for a dog to become familiar and trust its new owners, especially if it was originally a shelter dog, let alone random strangers. What's the politest way that I can tell my husband that I'm really uncomfortable with his parents visiting?
I've said, "I'm very uncomfortable with your parents visiting, especially without talking to me about it first." I've also said, "I'm very uncomfortable with your parents visiting and us having a brand new dog too," and I've also said, "We don't have a finished home yet, I don't want them coming."
Nothing's worked. Help?
Re: Sigh. Another (long) MIL issue.
He said (and I quote because it happened recently), "I'm sorry I mentioned it but they're coming, and I've spoken to them for so long about how much space we have that it seems like it would be a sh*t thing for us to un-invite them."
Regarding the dog, he said, "Dogs are social animals. They need to be around people more often."
Regarding the house, he said, "They let us stay in their condo. It'd be terrible for us not to invite them to our home."
And regarding the MIL issue in general, he laughs and says "That's the relationship of every wife and her MIL." Even when I tell him what's happened/happening.
"you seem to be more concerned about your parents' decisions about us, our home, our decisions and choices than you are about OUR decisions about us, our home, and choices. We can't entertain guests unless we both agree that it is a good time and we have accommodations ready for them. In the future, please refrain from making decisions that affect both of us without discussing it with me so we can come up with a solution together."
As I'm sure you're aware, you have a DH issue. He needs to extricate his parents from your relationship. It is tough - especially with helicopter/overinvolved parents. They wont' get the hint unless he is firm and consistent and it is gonna suck for a while but I think you'll find that if you two make decisions together and stick to them together, things will get better. Screw being polite. He needs to have a good talking to or you'll never be happy. You're in a relationship where you're not playing on an even field and I'd even say right now he's got his parents up higher than you and that needs to be corrected now.
Edit - just read your update. Your DH doesn't respect you or your feelings. What a gem. Until he sees you as an equal and not something he has control over and actually pays attention to your feelings about issues, you'll never get anywhere. Sorry.
I normally vent to my mom, because when she met my dad's family, they "taught" her how to use a dishwasher and flush a toilet. I think she wins on the hellish ILs.
Does he plan on you being the one to entertain them? You realize he does not take it seriously and maybe being polite is why he thinks you aren't really annoyed. Your H has no respect for you. Thinking it is some big joke or acceptable MIL behavior needs to be nipped in the bud asap. That alone would make me stabby. I'm not saying be a b!tch about it, but you have to let him know you are not pleased. Also, don't complain about everything, pick your battles. She may be a pita but he is used to her and has years of her dynamics, he needs to realize you are not use to behavior like this from an adult.
I wouldn't worry about the dog. I would be more concerned she was going to steal china to finish off her set. Are they sleeping on the air mattress with the two of you? Where are they sleeping? Let them come and let him do all the work, after all they are his guests.
He does not 'normally' respect your feelings if he ignores and disrespects them on a major issue in your life.
You need to sit down and really talk this out with him. Your relationship with your MIL is only typical of women married to mama's boys. Sorry, but that's the truth. My MIL is not my bf, but we get along fine as do many women. If she was ever rude or disrespectful to me, my H would stop it in a heartbeat.
You seem to be much more comfortable blaming your MIL than you H, but the reality is that you come 2nd to her and will continue to for as long as you put up with it.
Your post should be titled Another Husband issue!
Your MIL is not your problem your H is. Can you not see that???? It couldnt be more obvious. Open your eyes and stop blaming your MIL for your H not having any balls.
The issue here isn't your MIL. The issue here is that your husband doesn't give two shiits about your feelings.
Your choices are:
1) Sit down with him and tell him that this crap has to stop NOW. He needs to show you through words and actions that you are his main priority (don't just let him say "O.K." and then go back to treating you this way). Go to counseling if need be.
2) Pack your stuff and leave.
3) Stay, do nothing (or keep letting him brush aside your concerns) and get used to the idea that his Mommy will forever be more important than you, and that he will forever be telling you that your feelings and concerns don't matter to him in the slightest.
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I've read the responses and the follow-ups. The best I can say is that you have to deal with what you've got. Sometimes, sometimes, it takes a man a little longer to "see" his mother in a MIL role. And sometimes when the two important women have gotten along together at some prior point, as you've seemed to share you've been able to do, it really is blinding to the spats that a MIL/DIL are traditionally or stereotypically going to have...the fellow believes eventually things will work out, or that neither of you have to love the other but that you'll get along because you are mutually his family. I don't know what went on behind any of the negative feelings or comments you've shared that your MIL uttered and that you have felt...but perhaps he sees something as mutual combative? I'd ask if he thinks what is behind it rather than "this is the way every one is" because not every one is like that.
But - if it were me and I realized that for right this moment he's not going to do a 180, I'd make life simpler on myself. Either get furniture, put off getting the dog, or just start realizing you're going to have to put up with no furniture, a puppy in training and your ILs there all at the same time.
That was the most useful, non-combative, non-judgmental comment that anyone's ever said.
And for the record, my husband does respect me. He doesn't treat me like a doormat, and I'd appreciate it if people stopped insinuating that he did. I think it's less of a "your husband doesn't respect you zomg get rid of him," and more of a, "he's used to his mother's insanity and I, quite frankly, am not used to any grown woman acting that way."
He also defended me on the numerous occasions when MIL-dearest tried to turn the family against me, and when SIL-dearest has said heinous things about me. I'm looking for a way to tell him that his parents coming over when we're clearly unprepared is not appreciated, not that he's a "mama's boy who doesn't respect me."
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The fact that your mother-in-law has said your husband should've married someone else, that she's tried to turn the family against you, and that she's STOLEN from you ... and now she's invited herself to stay at your home and he's allowing this to happen, despite the fact that you've said that you're not happy about it?
I don't think that's respect for you at all. He shouldn't be expecting you to put up with any of this crap.
** pats layaandbrandon on the head **
You just hang in there, girl. Everything will work out fine.
Well, now i see the situation much more clearly. You re right it is all your MILS fault and your H is ve4ry supportive of your wishes. lmao
As long as you continue to stick your head in the sand and ignore the REAL issue, you deserve all your MIL gives you. Actually from your response, it may not be your MIL with the issues at all.
What are his expectations for YOU for the hosting?
Does he know? Are you shopping and cooking and getting your sparse belongings presentable for guests, or is your husband? Especially for guests that you dislike and feel judged?
I'm a big fan of natural learning. Life is long. Your ILs are going to be around for a while. If your DH can't see how horrible and awkaward it will be to host, let him learn. If it's really so easy, then you'll be the one to learn something. Don't sabatoge anything, but get really really clear with your DH what you will and will not do for this visit.
Then make plans to get yourself and your dog out of the apartment and keep him socialized. Be friendly, afterall you should. But get out most of the time.
But be clear before hand about what you will and won't do. And try this gem, "Honey, I'm here to help. If you need something for your parents visit, just ask."
It's amazing what happens when husbands realize your not going to simply "make everything happen" - rather, HE has to figure everything out. At least enough to ASK you for help.
AGe is probably a factor here -- I am guessing you and he are young 20s.
He needs to take your side no matter what his age.
I've been there, done that. Tried being nice, tried staying polite. It doesn't work.
Put your foot down, be direct, set boundaries and stick to them. It is easier to do it now than it will be in 10 years.
Another vote for an H problem.
You can either fix it now or deal with it forever.
His lack of character is zero and that's because he can't stand up for you.
By letting this mess continue he's telling his mother "Perfectly okay for you to treat my wife any way you wish. Keep up the good work."
I agree with everyone else: lay down the law and tell him to get his act together and that he has to demonstrate he's standing up to his mother...or you pack all your stuff and you go. Simple as that.
This is not true at all. My MIL and I get along wonderfully and I greatly respect her.
Your H needs to start considering himself a separate entity from his parents or this will probably go on forever.
It's time to stop worrying about being polite. Clearly, that's not an approach that works with this man. It's time for you to get angry and to let him know it.
And no, he does not respect you. He may have stood up for you a few times, but obviously that didn't work. He should have taken more drastic measures, but he didn't. Instead, he just rewards his parents for their bad behavior by inviting them into your home, and argues with your assertion that you deserve to be treated with human decency.
This isn't a matter of men just not getting it. It's not just a matter of conflicting family dynamics. We ALL come from different families and when we get married, our spouse becomes our number one priority and we have to make adjustments, especially when our spouse says, "This is extremely hurtful and I am not happy." Your husband has not done that. "Oh, that's just how it is between wives and MILs" doesn't cut it.
Maybe I'm the only one, but my "need to hear the other side of the story" radar is on high alert.
Something about this post...the vague details, the husband chalking it up to typical DIL/MIL drama, and the OP not wanting his parents to visit without her permission....I'm not entirely convinced it's the MIL who's the hosebeast here. I'm wondering if the OP is a control freak type who shouts "he's MY man now" while nose to nose with MIL (a la JLO and Hanoi Jane in the absolutely craptacular Monster-in-Law movie).
For example, MIL "steals" photos of him online to make a scrapbook? Well hell yeah, a heart attack in the making for any self-respecting DIL. Gotta nip that insanity in the bud now. Next thing you know, she'll be sleeping between you! (sarcasm).
Some of the other examples could be harmless too, based on the other side of the story. Even her wishing her son had married someone else could be justified, if OP is, in fact, a hosebeast.
Just my opinion, but something seems fishy here.
Not a MIL problem....trust me, I have lived through a disrespectful MIL too!....but a DH problem 100%.
He needs to be on board with you, and your feelings, before hers. Hands down. It is a lot easier said than done, but you have to nip things right now before they get worse.
There is nothing worse than feeling like YOU are the crazy one, it's all your fault, and he is not supporting you. Don't go down that road.....
I'm getting that vibe too.
The examples the OP gave seem more like a nightmare DIL issue than a nightmare MIL issue. I agree that you DH should be standing up for you - but I think that you are also causing problems where there shouldn't be.
They can't come to your house because you have a new dog and need the dog to adjust? That's over the top to me.
They aren't welcome to stay at your house but you lived at theirs? That's over the top to me.
They stole online photos of their son and are making a scrapbook? If you don't want to share photos, don't put them online. I don't think that's horrible, I think that's sweet. And your anger at such a thing to do seems misplaced.
They have goblets that you were given at your wedding and you consider that stealing from you? Really? Stolen wedding goblets? Really? Again, not a hill to die on and in my opinion, not really stealing. Have you just asked for them back? I think there must be more to this story.
I don't know. Although it sounds as though your DH isn't fully on your team - I'm thinking that there might be a legitimate reason. Getting married doesn't mean that your spouse has to choose sides or that he has to 100% defend and support his wife when he feels she is being unreasonable. Perhaps that is the case here.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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To be honest the issue that would bug me most here is him making plans without discussing it with you first. Something both my husband and I learned really quick was to respond with "Yeah, that sounds great, but let me talk with husband/wife and get back with you." This can save you from a lot of future problems. Personally I would be aggravated if my parents or his parents were coming to stay with me without me okaying it first and my husband would be the same way.