Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DH vent - grocery shopping
DH likes to grocery shop on Mondays. I used to shop on the weekends in the early morning, but sometimes I'd miss the opportunity and wind up shopping in the afternoon/evening. DH didn't like setting aside that time in the weekend, and losing 2-3 hours. So I told him fine, he could go, and he picked after work on Mondays.
Now, DH works a later schedule. So his "after work" means starting shopping at 8:30pm. It's happened several times where DH is starving, and tired, and gets home from the store at like 10:30pm. So he's SUPER grumpy when he comes home, and makes us both miserable.
Last night he came home, and as I was unpacking, I pointed out that he got "heavy cream" when I asked for "whipping cream", and that we already had a full bottle of A1 sauce in the fridge (which wasn't even on the list).
He blew up, started ranting about how ungrateful I am, about "who complains to someone who takes 2 hours out of their day"... yadda yadda yadda. I threw back that HE was the one who wanted to go grocery shopping on the weeknights, and that it's ridiculous, because now he's grumpy and completely overreacting to the situation. I told him to quit acting like he's doing me some huge service, all I said was you got the wrong cream. Which, when I do the shopping, he is also quick to point out if I got duplicates, wrong, etc, and I never gripe about it.
It blew up about how I need to understand that he's tired when he comes home, and doesn't need the 3rd degree about how he screwed up the shopping list. I argued that if he's going to be this tired and miserable on Mondays, we need to switch back to shopping on the weekends. It's not worth the fights. If I can't tell him he bought two bottles of steak sauce without it turning into WWII, then we have a problem.
GAH.
I'm still pissed off about it today. Seriously, who fights about a shopping list. *sigh*
Re: DH vent - grocery shopping
Aww...sorry to hear about that. It's so easy to fight when you're tired and hungry.
If you can do it, I highly encourage you to try Peapod. Since our LOs arrived, we've dreaded finding time on the weekends to grocery shop. It felt like our whole weekend revolved around it. We started Peapod about 2 months ago, and it's been amazing. They deliver the groceries either when you're home or at work. And if you're home, they bring them right in and put them on the counter. They were running a deal where the first two months of delivery was free, although delivery is only $8 or so, and it was worth it to us to avoid having to waste precious weekend time at the store.
(P.S. if you decide to do it and PM me your email address, I can try to send you a code for $10 offer your first order. No, I don't work for Peapod. I just love that they bring all our groceries to us.)
Where do they bring the groceries from? I ask, because the Safeway near our house is HORRIBLE, and I wouldn't trust food from there. When I shop, I drive 10 min across the river to shop at the Harris Teeter on the HIll, and DH shops at the Wegmans near his work. We don't have any other grocery stores nearby.
* blog * first baby blog * baby 2.0 blog * twitter *
I always thought heavy cream and whipping cream were the same thing, no?
Sorry about the fight. I'd say you both are a little a fault. I'd apologize and hope your DH reciprocates. (Well usually in the these situations I apologize and then I ask for and explain why I also want an apology, and that resolved the issue.)
And re peapod: I think they deliver from a central warehouse. You might be able to find something online. It shouldn't be from the Safeway though, because peapod is affiliated with Giant.
Isn't heavy cream and whipping cream interchangable? I use it like it is...
Either way - that stinks. The safeway by our house suuuucks, which is why whenever possible, we drive 30-45 minutes to Wegmans. I would just start going for groceries again on the weekends and make a day out it at Wegmans. Go for lunch and then get some groceries. That's what we do.
We make the rockin' world go 'round.
I'm not exactly sure where they come from. So far, our quality has been great, but we have a decent Giant near us. Do you live in DC? You might want to see if they deliver to your neighborhood. Not sure what they do downtown.
http://www.peapod.com/consumerIndex.jhtml;jsessionid=4WVM0O53E0MQQCQBD0WSIIQ
I am another one who did not know there was a difference between the two creams. do you mind that he goes after work? it just seems like there might be a bigger issue.
I know I would probably be annoyed if DH decided he was going to take care of the grocery shopping on a Monday night- busy day for me at work, DD all to myself, dealing with normal Monday things and then him on 2 hour excursion to buy a weeks worth of groceries?
That's what I was wondering. This seems like overreaction on both ends - you picking about the cream vs. cream and him blowing up about it.
First, I get the vent. Your arguement is likely about something else that neither of you can put your finger on (or just bottled up frustrations about work, kid, etc.), and it manifested in groceries. It happens. Sometimes ya just gotta get the fight out.
If this were a recurring thing, it wouold be a different issue. Sounds like he was just having a bad day. Just because something wouldn't make you mad doesn't mean he's not allowed to get mad about it.
Second, if you are HT shoppers, what about picking out your groceries online then having your hubz pick them up at the drive through lane. That way, you get what you want, he gets to do it whatever day works for him, and it doesn't take 2-3 hours, which is a really long time for grocery shopping, IMO.
I'm sorry to hear y'all are fighting about this - I do agree with the pp's that it sounds like it's about more than the shopping.
I agree with your DH about not wanting to shop on the weekends - DH and I used to do that, b/c I hate going by myself and his schedule didn't allow him to go with me during the week. But, it does take time out of the weekend that could just be spent relaxing. Now, I go by myself during the week.
I also agree with the pp's - if it's this much of an issue, then look in to an alternative - either Peapod or the pickup service at Harris Teeter. I did a pickup service back when I was single & living in NC - I loved it. At the time, it cost around $5, but I knew I spent more than that each week in impulse buys anyway. I'd do my "shopping" on-line during my lunch hour, then drive by the store after work & pick it up. The first few times it was a pain, b/c I had to find all the items, but the system I used remembered all the stuff I'd bought, so eventually I was just quickly checking off what I needed from my usual list & then searching for just one or two new things.
I have a tendency to overreact to things when I'm tired & hungry. So, even an innocent comment from my DH about how we now had two bottles of steak sauce would probably have sent me in to a tailspin like your DH (even if it was just a passing remark like "shoot, we already had steak sauce'"). I'm working on that myself. Like the pp's, I think heavy cream & whipping cream are the same thing & I use them interchangeably. I think y'all probably owe each other an apology - you for nitpicking what he bought and him for overreacting. Once you've calmed down, figure out a compromise for how you can make it work. "Cause I've got to say, if my DH volunteered to do the shopping, I'd be all over that!!
Yeah, I had no idea the creams were the same, but rather than tell me "honey, it's the same thing", he stormed off, grabbed the laptop, googled it, and showed it to me on the dining room table. I had no idea he was mad until that point. That's when I played the "why are you overreacting" card, and he stormed off again about how ungrateful I was. I'm sorry, but he HAS made mistakes in the past with getting the wrong thing that I need for recipes, and I do get annoyed. He does the SAME thing to me if I make a mistake (like "hey honey, you realize we have 3 boxes of pasta in the cupboard" when I buy too much pasta), I just make sure I do a better job of looking next time, not blow up at him and yell at him for not thanking me.
It definitely stems from more deep rooted issues, but this isn't the first time he's come home super cranky after grocery shopping. I usually let it slide and just ignore him, but after last night's explosion, I refuse to let this turn into a pattern.
The Harris Teeter on the Hill doesn't have a drive through, and it's not on his way home from work. Plus he hates HT with a passion, thinks they are way overpriced (which is why he goes to the Wegmans by his work). Which I agree with HT being overpriced, but feel it's the best option right now, closest to our neighborhood. I'll definitely look into Peapod though, sounds like it will definitely help!
And I am not denying my part in this, too. I do have a tendency to nitpick, especially when I ask for something specific and I don't get it. As for thanking him, I tell him thank you ALL the time for things. Thank you for picking up such and such from the store, thank you for taking care of DS, thank you for taking care of the yard, thank you for doing some laundry. I refuse to be labeled "ungrateful" because the ONE time I don't thank him. And do people thank their spouses every single time they go grocery shopping?
We were both in a crappy mood apparently. He apologized for yelling, but not for saying the things he said. And then when I fought back he started just going "fine, you're right, absolutely" in a sarcastic tone, which just really p$$ed me off. So I shut down and said "forget it, I'm done". I couldn't have a constructive conversation about it, so I ended it.
We'll see if we can talk about it calmly tonight when we're both not hungry and tired.
* blog * first baby blog * baby 2.0 blog * twitter *
1st, why is it taking him 2 hours?? We go on Sunday mornings, all 4 of us and we are done in less than an hour, we take 2 carts, one with each kid and separate. It works very well and DD especially loves these trips.
2nd, I'd love it if DH did the grocery shopping by himself. I'd let your DH continue to do it but incorporate some of the above suggestions. And perhaps make it another night other than Monday if that's a stresful day for him, otherwise - let him be!
I get it. We had a similar experience, luckily it didn't balloon out to WWII. First your right there is a difference between whipping cream and heavy cream. Whipping cream has less fat. I always insist on whipping cream for this very reason (I cook with cream a lot so every little bit of fat reduction counts).
DH once said the same thing about shopping on the weekend so he volunteered to do it after work. After three trips in one week and he still wasn't able to find everything on the list we gave up. If I have to run into the store to find everything he couldn't find, its not worth it. For me its much more convenient to do it on the weekend and know that I have everything for my meals planned that week. If his 'help' is more stressful than helpful then its not help. You DH may mean well, but its just not working out. Hopefully you can smooth things over this evening and find a solution that works for both of you.
I think there are other things going on here. Have you thought about talking to someone about communication styles? It's unfair that he blows up when you bring something up, but there's a point at which you have to decide just not to say anything.
How do you feel after you come back from the grocery store and he tells you that you got something wrong or you got too much of something? I can't imagine you feel great. You certainly remember it, at a minimum.
Honestly, I make a point of *not* saying anything if DH goes to the store and gets the "wrong" thing. I just don't, because it's so much worse to point it out than to let it go. I doubt there's been a time when I've gone to the store and haven't messed up something, but either I'm the only one that notices, or DH has made the same deal with himself, because I never hear about it. If there's something missing we need later, we figure it out. It's never really an issue.
In the end, this is about more than the grocery store. But it might be a place to start. I've noticed that small positive changes often lead to larger positive ones.
Funny you ask. DH and I spent two of our most priceless counseling sessions "discussing" this very subject... of course the issue was me, and that I ask him what he would like to eat, but you get my drift. It is these little inane things that always tend to blow up into something larger, for us at least (or so I am learning each week, 50 minutes at a pop).
It's never about the groceries... or so my counselor keeps telling me. Step outside of it and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Clearly something is bothering him, he sounds like he's trying to help but is feeling unappreciated. DHs can be silly little boys sometimes.
this is great advice. From your subsequent post, it sounds like the argument was a matter of timing (late) and hunger, and not really about cream or A-1 Sauce, at all. Too bad he doesn't have a Nest to post to today, to calm himself down, too, bc your second post sounded more like "you" and less like a crankmeister. Sometimes just writing stuff down here and getting an unbiased point of view makes it better.
Go home, and after you've both eaten -- talk about what was really the problem and try to come up with some alternative solutions to getting the shopping done bc this way is clearly not a good option for your and your family. Yes, you have food -- but at what price?
"What is a week-end?"
Thanks all
I'll apologize tonight, and promise not to nag him on the grocery list. I'll pitch the peapod idea to him, and see how that flies. At the least, maybe we can use it for most of the shopping, and let him go on Monday nights to finish out the list. That should make it faster AND less stressful for the both of us.
I really do appreciate that he goes, but I think I just pushed his buttons last night.
I love getting perspective from everyone, and thanks for all the honest (and super helpful) feedback
* blog * first baby blog * baby 2.0 blog * twitter *