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editted** It's been a rough marriage week for H and I...*long*
Or really couple weeks.
Evie and I just got back from being at my parents house for 2 weeks Sunday evening. I was only supposed to be there for a week.
2 weeks ago, Dan returned to work, so I asked my mom to come over for that first week he was going back to keep me company because I wasn't sure how I would feel being by myself with Evie. Instead, Dan suggested I just go to my parents house for that week... so, in a nutshell, he could sleep through the night. That was fine... I really didn't mind because Dan doesn't do much during the night to help with Evie anyway. She wakes up once, maybe twice, I change her diaper and then feed her. It's really no big deal.
So I go down to my mom's for the week and Dan meets me down there Friday when he's done with work. We stay through the weekend... and I start to feel like not wanting to go back. I didn't know if it's because of where we live or because I was nervous spending the day by myself with Evie or something else... but I just really didn't want to go back yet.
When I suggested to Dan my staying with my parents another week, he was surprisingly fine with it... despite that he said that he really missed Evie and me. I ended up staying an extra week. Granted I was home by myself most of the day, until about 3 pm because everyone is in school or at work, but it was still nice because Dan usually doesn't get home from work until about 7.
Sunday, the day I was to come home, Dan and I got into a huge fight. Basically, I ended it with I don't want to come home because I'm not sure I like you anymore. It was because Dan likes to say I can't make decisions on my own... which I do but when I do, Dan criticizes my choice. So I don't do much anymore without talking it over with him first. Sounds pathetic, right?
Well, I did come home.... and the weather is miserable.... It makes me hate here even more.
Last night, after Dan came home, he almost immediately comments that the dining room is a mess and says "Oh look, you're home and the table is covered with your crap."
Thanks, Dan. First of all, it's not just not my crap, it's Evie's, too. I just got home not even 24 hours ago, and I just spent the entire day at doctors' appointments. Maybe if I had the chance to completely unpack and NOT make you dinner last night, I would have cleaned up after myself and Evie. Sorry.
Whatever, I finished nursing Evie and I cleaned up everything. And still cooked dinner.
And to top it all off... Dan "accidentally" lost his watch in the garbage. Yeah, the one I got him as a wedding present.
Needless to say, I'm not too happy with him right now.
Re: editted** It's been a rough marriage week for H and I...*long*
I think I interpreted way differently than Kristen. I was annoyed with Dan's actions as I was reading it. I just don't know how he could want to be away from his newborn baby and wife for a week, especially just to get sleep. And being upset about stuff on the table when you are taking care of the baby and have had health issues, is silly.
I don't feel like you have done anything wrong. It is a stressful time and hopefully Dan is just stressed and all will pass as the months go on. Good luck hun!
Aww...I'm sorry, Sweetie. Hang in there - I'm assuming parenting is going to be the biggest challenge you guys will ever need to face. *hugs*
I am so sorry, Nat. I've heard the first few weeks after the birth of a baby can be really hard on a marriage. I have no idea what to expect once my own baby arrives, but I'm preparing for a little hostility here and there.
Can you sit down and talk to Dan tonight and discuss what's going on? He may be having a particularly tough time adjusting to being a Dad and figuring out what his role is supposed to be right now. However, that's no excuse for him criticizing a messy dining room after you've been gone for two weeks and learning to parent a newborn. The fact that you cooked him dinner after that was way more than expected. Like Kmo, I was annoyed that Dan isn't more sympathetic. Hopefully if you guys can both just talk about how you're feeling that you can figure out a way to limit hostility between each other...try to nip this in the bud now before both of you have so many pent-up frustrations that you really blow up. Good luck, lady!
Big big hugs, first of all.
I'm so sorry you and Dan are having such a difficult time. What really sucks is that no one tells expecting parents that many times, the first several months are incredibly stressful and straining on the two as a couple. Not everyone has problems, but, its much more common than people let on. I guess my point being this is normal. In fact, Jimi and I have had a rough go since Phoenix was born. I don't know how much of it is me, him, the c-section, etc. but there has been a lot of tension, resentment, and just lack of connection.
I would suggest maybe finding someone that can watch Evie for a few hours and you and Dan take yourselves out to dinner to try and reconnect. Maybe go to a nice secluded place like a park or just somewhere kind of private but peaceful (and NOT home) to sit and talk about whats stressing each other out and try and come up with ways to resolve them together. Its possible that he might have a little PPD too, so maybe both of you should have a counselor session?
Everyone says having a baby is difficult and a lot of work, but I don't think anything really prepares you for how much work it really is. Lack of sleep, loss intimacy from each other, and just the complete change to the structure of your lives is a lot to deal with. I really hope the two of you are able work through this together. As other will say, we're all here for you and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM. I'm certainly not a professional, but I can definitely understand what you're going through.
This is kind of part of what I was trying to say. Like...everyone thinks the Dad will immediately have this connection with their baby when they're born, like, thats what they're supposed to do. And I'm sure a lot do...but theres also a lot that don't. The Mom has had 9 months to build this connection with the baby...Dad doesn't get have any connection until its born. I think thats part of the PPD for the father's. Their baby is born and they assume they're going to have this immediate love and connection, and then they don't. Then they start feeling like something is wrong with them, why don't they love their baby like a good father would, etc. and then they get frustrated and depressed and disconnected. I could be totally wrong, and I certainly don't want to pretend to diagnose Dan, I just suggest this since he can totally get help if this is the case.
Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
Hey sweetie, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I can assure you (from my own experience) that hostility between spouses is so perfectly normal when you've got a new baby to take care of.
My suggestion would be, as someone else said, sit down with Dan and hash things out. I mean, really go at it. Express every stress factor, every fear, every worry, everything that's bothering you. He needs to know how he's making you feel, and that you're struggling. The only way to get him to help more is to tell him you need help. And the same goes for Dan - he needs to let you know what can be done to help him get through this time as well.
Once again, I don't think I can stress enough to you that this is normal. Having a new baby is the most stressful thing I've ever been through, and I'm sure it's the same for you. It is REALLY hard to go from only having to take care of yourselves to going to having this helpless little baby to take care of. But, you will get through it, it DOES get easier, and you will eventually find a routine that works for all three of you.
Hugs and if you need to talk or if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know...
I have no advice or anything, (i ditto a lot of what pp have said though!), I just want to give you a big hug.
*BIG HUG*
I'm going to agree with all the pps who suggest hashing it out. Before you have a baby, it's really hard to gauge how it's going to affect you're life. There's no way to know untill you've done it. Therefore, communication is of the utmost importance. Shutting down and trying to block everything out, it does more harm than good -- trust me, I'm there -- and Dan needs to realize this.
It gets better. It really, really does. It's just not easy getting there.
If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.
*hugs*
updated 10.03.12
Dx: Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism After 2 years TTC & failed IUs,we have our IVF baby born 9/24/11
LO#2 aka 'Miracle Baby' Orig. EDD= 9/28 EDD moved to 10/3/13
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -- Dale Carnegie
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." --Thomas A. Edison
<a href="http://s65.photobucket.com/albums/h205/adia83/?action=view
Sorry, I haven't responded yet... Evie woke up from her nap and saw that her diaper exploded all over the bouncer... And didn't realize until after I picked her up and some how her foot reached my face... And I ended up getting poop on my face. Gotta love it.
1. Thank you everyone for *listening*.
2. I'm somewhat relieved to hear that this is *normal*. I knew adjusting to life with a baby would be difficult and I heard that the first year can being really trying on your marriage... but it's so different than just expecting it.
Dan and I had our issues before having Evie and before even TTC, but I think they were just things we kept pushing to the side. For instance, how I said that he doesn't "approve" of decisions I make.. this has been something I have been struggling with during most of our relationship... But really, me having decision-making issues is something I have always had hard time with. I tend to thoroughly think things through, weigh each side, and then decide but then go back and second-guess myself... and it's worse if I feel like I don't have someone's approval. I know he gets frustrated that I can't make a simple decision and I can really understand his point on that. At the same time, though, he knows that's who I am... he could have not married me. He knew what he was getting into... And I'm pretty sure for the past 26 years I have been like this, it's not going to change anytime soon... or ever.
Back to the issue at hand...
I wanted to address your points, because I thought you touched on a big one... The C-section. It was my (our) full intention to have a med-free birth. That didn't happen because my medical issues, I couldn't push... so I had to have a c-section. But to top it all off, because of my scoliosis, I couldn't get an epidural or spinal, so unexpectedly, I had to be put under general anesthesia and Dan couldn't be there. I'm totally OK with how things turned out because really, there's nothing I could have done to prevent or done differently. But I know Dan was upset he couldn't be in the room. And because he feels upset, I'm upset for him... There are a couple pictures of Dan getting ready to go into the OR with me... And he looks so happy. Those pictures make me cry because I feel like I took away his experience of being there. I know I can't look at it that way but it's still something I feel guilty about.
I suppose where I'm going with that is maybe he was "OKAY" with us being away for a couple of weeks because he doesn't feel connected to Evie. He loves her, he loves me, I don't question that but I have this feeling that he feels disconnected to us for one reason or another.
I agree that we need some time for ourselves, sans Evie, just to be a couple again. I feel guilty because we have barely had Evie for a month... but I think we can use the time.
You all suggested talking to him about this, but how do I talk to him? He doesn't talk about his feelings. I don't know how to approach him without sounding confrontational. More importantly, how do I just listen to him and not feel like I have to have an answer or better yet not take things personally or feel defensive...
My Acme Box last update 3/28/11
Don't feel guilty. I know that's easier said that done, haha. Ellie is so independent now, but I still feel guilty anytime I have to leave her. You just have to remember that, in order to be a good mommy, you have to take care of yourself too.
As far as talking to Dan, I know that can be difficult too. What works for me, to get Guy to hear me without it seeming like I'm attacking him, is to relate everything to me rather than to him. "I feel overwhelmed and could use more help." "I would like it if you would spend more time with Evie and I." (I hope this is making sense!)
That makes a lot of sense. I couldn't imagine how hard it had to be for him to not witness the birth of his child. I haven't been through a similar experience, so I don't have much advice for you. All I can say is, you will adjust to a family of 3, but meanwhile, a) communication is key. Try not go to bed angry or fighting. b) Don't feel guilty about alone time or mom and dad time. It makes you better parents. This is something I am still struggling with.
Good luck hun, I will be thinking good thoughts for you
Hugs**. That is brave of you to share your struggles....having a baby freaks me out for reasons like this, I just know it can be SO HARD and I give you and all the other niner mommies a lot of credit.
I hope things get better for you guys...I'm not sure I have more advice than what has been said already.
Stand up for something you believe in.
This is very good advice, and something I'll admit I am working on with my therapist. Communication is KEY, and sometimes you just need to to stop and think about what you are really trying to say and how it will be heard. Focus on what you are feeling, instead of what he is doing (or not doing). "I feel overwhelmed" rather than "you aren't doing anything to help". Starting with "I feel" or "I am feeling" will help both of you realize how you are each interpreting the other's actions and the situation as a whole. Good luck!
Seriously, if you ever need anyone to talk to about this, I am absolutely happy to listen. We were also planning on a natural birth and pretty much got the complete opposite...everything we didnt want to happen did. I too had to go through general anesthesia because my body had already gotten used to the epi so I could still feel everything when they tried using the local. Jimi was SO SO pissed and upset that he couldn't be in the OR as well and I think both of us had a really difficult time with this. Obviously, the outcome was the important thing, she and I were okay...but really, this I think affects the bonding for both mom and dad with the baby, and its still something I struggle with...daily.
As for talking with him, I agree just try to approach it in non-confrontational way. Instead of using attacking words "you make me feel like this" "when you do this..." trying taking a more netural approach "sometimes when this happens i get stressed out" or "it hurts me when this happens" and definitely go for the hero approach "it would be so helpful if you could do this sometimes" "if you could sometimes do this, you would totally be my hero" (that might be part of his frustration too, he doesn't know what to do with a baby or with you as a mom, so he's just trying to ignore it, i.e. not helping you with Evie)
I am so sorry you are going through this, having a baby is hard. My only suggestion would be to maybe try to also take some time for yourself. Go get a mani or a pedi and leave Evie with Dan so that he has that time to bond with her with you not around to step in.
Hang in there and if you need anything you know we are here for you!!!!
your not alone, Kevin and I have agrued alot since Drake was born. People seem to over look what it does to your marrage when you have a baby, no one really tells you how hard it is. Then it hits you and it's hard to control your emotions when your trying to do something you've never done before that is so important.
Kevin has gone fishing so many times and left me home alone with Drake, i have to cook, clean, take care of Drake during the night and now im back at work running on about 5 hours of sleep a night. Its tough. So finally i told him... monday nights ( he's off sunday and mondays) im going to go get my nails done and do some shopping or what ever i feel like doing to just have me time and give him daddy time with Drake. I still have to work on Mondays but after work i go and relax do something for me. Sunday's are our family day we do something just the three of us. This has been a huge help. I really felt like we needed to bond as a family not just mommy drake or daddy drake time. Also like others said... spend time with just your Husband. It's been really REALLY hard for me to leave Drake with family while both H and i are out, but you need to. I really miss my husband...i miss laughing and just being dumb with him...and the other day we just laughed so hard at something so stupid but it totally felt so good and it was the first time since drake was born that we really enjoyed each other.
On a side note... Kevin is getting better about understanding things with me and drake now that drake is getting older. It's much different for men than it is for women. Kevin is having more "fun" being a dad now that Drake is starting to play and respond more in laughs and smiles when we talk or play with him. Im not taking your h's side, but as overwhelmed as you are with your new baby...he is too maybe more becuase if he's anything like my husband....he's never been around a baby, he didn't know what to do or how to hold one...i think sometimes his actions towards me were more out of fear that he was scared and didn't know what to do.
hope things get better...Hugs! just remember your not alone.
| cute shoes make me happy |
since you said youre not sure how to talk to Dan, one of the things that I have found to be helpful in resolving problems within our marriage is coming up with "action items" for each of you.
for instance, identify what is upsetting you and some things that you can do to help that and some things that dan can do. then identify the things that are bothering dan and come up with some things that he can do to ease the problems and things that you can do.
does that make sense? if you each come up with things that you and the other can do, it makes it a joint effort to work toward a goal rather than just telling dan what he should change or having dan tell you what you need to change.
good luck dear.
Thanks everyone for your advice and support. It's amazing how I feel ashamed to admit there is something *wrong* with my marriage... even if it's something that commonly happens.
I have not talked to Dan about all this directly, yet... but I do eventually plan to when I find the right moment. Hopefully there will be a right moment. If not, I'll just have to make one.
I did notice some things Dan said last night that made me realize there are some things I can do to help him feel more *connected to Evie.
He said a few things like "She always cries when I hold her." I responded back with something like "No, she cries when I hold her, too. She's just trying to tell you something..."
And when I was giving her a bath he said "She's so calm when she's with you." to which I responded back with "Well, she really likes the water and not only that... She was in my stomach for 9 months, I'm familiar to her. She'll get to know you more and you'll have the same effect on her."
So in order to help him feel more important in Evie's life, I'm going to pump more so that he can feed her. Evie has no problem drinking from a bottle so long as it's breastmilk... so I think that will help a lot. I also suggested that he do bath time with her. He seemed a little hesitant to agree to that but he said he wanted to try. And also, I asked if he was OK with me going to the gym a few nights a week after he got home for work... And that he was totally OK with. So hopefully the couple hours I'm away will help him bond better with Evie.
I will try those couple things for now... and as far as doing stuff around the apartment, I will have to address that with him because I don't like how he approaches me in regards to cleaning. I think, overall, we need to communicate better about things that bother us. We both keep it in until we can't take it anymore and just explode.
My Acme Box last update 3/28/11